Is it fair?

I have a new... interest person boy thing...

I have opted to not really go into detail about... well, most things.
I told him I'm crazy, but not what or how severe or anything.
I told him I previously had a drug habit, but not that went so far as to hook to get money for it.

Now on one hand I feel like he should be warned.
I mean... I'm batshit levels of crazed between being Borderline Personality and Bipolar and ridiculously paranoid and anxious...

On the other hand, I feel like when I explain myself to people that I'm setting them up to treat me differently.
I feel like I set them up to treat me like a crazy person... which is not the same way people treat normal people.

We're not serious or anything. Not even sleeping together...
So I guess if we get serious or something I will tell him...

Or is that wrong?
I dunno. Ya'll tell me.

What is it that you wonder if it's wrong? Starting telling him stuff or wanting to wait to tell him in depth?

I would wait to get to know the person a little bit before starting explaining myself, but are you scared that he would like you and then not like you if you tlle him and so you think if you don't tell him his feeling would be mislead???

That's a kind of a dilemma but my view is that you don't need to define yourself by your BPD and stuff, you are the person you are and he surely sees you with his own point of view that can only be right because it's fair... Maybe you'll need to explain more if he gets to see you acting different and wonder what's going on, but maybe for now just let life go and see what happens???
I don't know what my point of view is woth of though, i seem to have sistematically ###$ all my relationships till now...

I value all points of view.
Thank you.

SmileXx wrote:
On the other hand, I feel like when I explain myself to people that I'm setting them up to treat me differently.
I feel like I set them up to treat me like a crazy person... which is not the same way people treat normal people.

I feel just like you, Smile. I want to be honest because I feel like holding back is like lying. But I'm so afraid I'll be treated different or even that they'll just attribute my actions to my disorder- "Oh she's just having one of her moods".

I think you did the right thing telling him a little bit. He knows now enough to not feel duped later, but hopefully not enough to treat you any different. When things get deep and he needs to know more, then you can tell him.

Good luck, Smile.

I am in the same situation. The guy keeps telling me he likes my sparkly, positive attitude, and I tell him it wasn't always this way and I worked very hard to overcome a lot of issues.
I feel he doesn't need to know how deep those issues can go, because at this point, I'm feeling good and have been for a few months now. But I do feel like I'm not being completely honest.

SmileXx,

In a relationship between two normal people, each person over a period of time opens up him/herself to their partner, so that real intimacy can be built.

In the same spirit, if you forget for a moment that you have a PD, but consider that you are merely opening up your personality to your partner, without the need to assign a label to it, how would you do it? That I think is the essence.

Your having a PD shouldn't hamper your self-disclosure not should it lead to over-disclosure. Both hiding yourself and over-disclosure are choices made out of fear (of how another person will respond or view you), and can hamper building real intimacy.

Now, how much of yourself you can open up and disclose depends on your particular relationship situation, and that is for you to decide based on your reality. You just need to take into account that your own fear of your PD situation doesn't hamper your opening up or lead to doing it more than is relevant to the context.

What is in your hands is your own choice and decision to open up for your own sake, and not to control his response. Then its upto your partner to respond to that in the way he chooses - you can't and shouldn't attempt to control his choice.

searchfortruth wrote:SmileXx,

In a relationship between two normal people, each person over a period of time opens up him/herself to their partner, so that real intimacy can be built.

In the same spirit, if you forget for a moment that you have a PD, but consider that you are merely opening up your personality to your partner, without the need to assign a label to it, how would you do it? That I think is the essence.

Your having a PD shouldn't hamper your self-disclosure not should it lead to over-disclosure. Both hiding yourself and over-disclosure are choices made out of fear (of how another person will respond or view you), and can hamper building real intimacy.

Now, how much of yourself you can open up and disclose depends on your particular relationship situation, and that is for you to decide based on your reality. You just need to take into account that your own fear of your PD situation doesn't hamper your opening up or lead to doing it more than is relevant to the context.

What is in your hands is your own choice and decision to open up for your own sake, and not to control his response. Then its upto your partner to respond to that in the way he chooses - you can't and shouldn't attempt to control his choice.

I would have to second this. When two people take an interest in one another, they’re going to show themselves in the best possible light. I don’t consider this to be wrong or manipulative. It’s just something we’ve come to expect in the courting process. It’s natural to keep our distance and maintain a certain level of privacy with someone new. In fact, I think it’s a red flag if someone divulges too much personal information too early in a relationship. You have to allow time for a person to get comfortable with you, for affection to grow and for things to naturally occur as the relationship progresses.

I think you’ve already given a fair heads up. Now it’s just a matter of taking things as they come.

New boy. Yay.

I don't think it matters what you tell him in the first few months due to the nature of relationships. You're attracted to each other so things like the past and underlying issues aren't going to make any difference if the mutual attraction is there. We wear blinders during this period. So whatever you tell him is going to fall on deaf ears.

Telling him about your past is really going to be a decision for YOU to make if the relationship lasts longer than a few months. Anyway, guys don't like to hear about their ladies' sexual pasts period. So you might take that into account. Remaining coy on that topic is OK. They really don't want to know.

As for the psychology part. What matters is your behavior, not your dx. I hate the thought of you going into a new relationship thinking that you're crazy. It's good to be cautious but not good to walk in thinking you have a handicap of some sort. I think it sets you up for mistreatment.

You've been diagnosed. You are self aware. You are working on yourself. That's what matters. It's all about now.

velouria wrote:I hate the thought of you going into a new relationship thinking that you're crazy. It's good to be cautious but not good to walk in thinking you have a handicap of some sort.

I like to think of it more as a super power, really.

I'm THE BPDER!
Faster than a speeding bullet (my mood will flip)!
More powerful than a locomotive (is my revenge if you cross me)!
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (if it means doing something irrational and ill-thought out)!

I'm so gonna make a comic or something now.

He's nice.
It's weird, because I'm not... like I was with the previous boyfriends.
I was all over them, needed them, expected speedy texts back, all that "new relationship" giddy stuff.
The part of love that I am totally and completely in love with. The first part.
I'm not that way with this guy.

We've kissed, but it doesn't give me butterflies or anything.
I like him, but I'm not obsessed and giddy about it like other relationships were... ALL OTHER...
So i'm not really sure what that means.
I mean, he's okay on looks and he's nice and we share interests and he thinks I'm adorable...
But my favorite part of this process is missing... and that makes me nervous.

I can't really tell what's going on.