Anybody know someone that exploits there hang ups?

Hi,
I'm not diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. My counselor, who has helped me a lot, hasn't given me any sort of diagnosis that I know of. She told me she uses DBT and CBT in our sessions. The reason I'm posting here is because I can really relate to many of the stories from people on this forum. For the first time I'm reading things by people who think like I do. When I try to describe my feelings to other people they just look at me funny or say something that shows me they have know idea what to say. I've been going over the actions and behaviors that have gotten me where I am today and am starting to think that I've been keeping things from my counselor out of fear that she'll think I'm crazy. Is this normal? A friend recently posed sort of a personal intervention and I feel as though I've been pulled down from some dissociative cloud. She gave me the courage to look back at memories that I've found too painful to revisit and even things I'd totally blocked out. One thing I'm having trouble with right now is getting away from my "best friend." I've allowed this person undue influence over my life decisions and emotions for a depressingly long time. I'm afraid I'm paranoid, but I really think he has a sixth sense for playing on every one of my hang ups and using them against me or for his own benefit. He points out something that bothers me about myself, convinces me that he can help me, all the while pointing out every little thing I do wrong or all the crazy things I've done in the past 15 years, or all the screwed up relationships I've had. It sounds stupid, but he really knows how to get in my head and once he there I can't get him out and he's like a bull in a china shop. When I used to try to talk to our friends about it they would say that he really cares for me and just wants to help me. It took me seeing how he treated my bipolar friend, the way he messed with her mind and tried to turn her against me, to really start to wake up. I almost think he preys on people with mental issues. He's very perceptive in social situations, unlike me, and always points out what self absorbed a-hole I am for not noticing things and even said he thinks I have asberger's syndrome. He also constantly berates me about my forgetfulness. The thing is, I really care about people. Social situations become emotionally draining to me at times and I have to limit my my focus to what's immediately around me. I guess I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced this sort of situation. Thanks for reading this.

You must mean Asperger's Syndrome, which is a diagnosis often confused or misdiagnosed with high-functioning autism.

I have experienced what you have experienced, the venom, if you let them. My brother, who has some form of Asperger's or high-functioning autism or something (a living genius when it comes to mathematics, not so graceful in social situations). I grew tired of him one year...of all the constant shat talk of me and everything else, so I drew a line in the sand, for once in my life I stood up to him, it was a foreign experience for him and he lost it, he blew a gasket. He didn't want to talk to me for years, insisting that I was the one with the problem. All I wanted from him was respect, which he couldn't afford to relinquish....

Thus, if your "friend" is unable to relinquish or afford you the same amount of praise or respect you deserve, tell him to go away. Perhaps he will come back when he has exhausted all of his venom.

You don't need someone like this in your life making you feel this way. You seem like a very kind and caring person worthy of friendship. Next time he tries to make you feel like shat, tell him that you aren't his emotional tampon and see what he says; try it, say it out loud, "I am not your emotional tampon."

Then go to a strip-club and hopefully they are playing this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6IVKQACHzU

It will make you feel better. Portland, Oregon is a fine place for strippers/wellness.

Hi Nebuler,

I read your post and feel like I can really relate to what you're saying - I'm not diagnosed bpd, dont necessarily have it, but am a bit crazy some way or another and have used basic dbt and cbt to try to help with the problems I have.

If someone is being caring, they might choose to show you something about yourself you need to think about, but they only need to do that once and there's a difference between constructive honest criticism and manipulation. imho bad signs are:

• if someone is constantly trying to point out your faults or mistakes, especially in a long list.
• dredging up your past over and over reminding you what you got wrong especially if this is to convince you to believe them, instead of using a small simple and less hurtful example.
• if you feel like someone is playing on your insecurities. - if they know they are doing something damaging, then you know something is wrong.
• if they are constantly verbally reminding you of things you *know* and *don't like* about yourself unless very briefly and practically to mention and stop a problem in its tracks as you're having it. (constantly reminding you is not going to help you change anything)

I had the same sort of problem. I had one friend in my life for a few years who kept pointing things out and putting me down, and being very manipulative. I found out later they had been analysing me the entire time and had used, and tried to use what they figured out to try to get me to do what they wanted. I can't believe I let them get away with it for so long - it wasn't until I was casually telling a friend how "annoying" their behaviour was, and his reaction made me realise their behaviour wasn't just annoying, it was downright abusive. It went too far. When I found out, I just put the evidence on the table and went NC.

Being unperceptive in social situations does not equate to being a self-absorbed arsehole. It might mean the stuff going round your own head is stopping you thinking straight to engage properly with whats outside it, (very bpd) or it might mean you're not good at reading social cues (more aspie), but either way being troubled or unskilled does not make you a self-absorbed arsehole and *accusing* someone of having a mental illness is just not a nice way to approach the subject!! and it does not show concern or care for you.

I also get the social thing, sometimes I find interacting is just too much and I have to step back and shut myself off because I feel emotionally drained. I just hope people don't think I'm being rude, unfriendly, or selfish or rejecting them when i do I just need to take time out sometimes.

Either way, Sometimes letting someone else be emotionally responsible seems like the easier route, but usually people who prey on people for something *they* need - for whatever reason - will jump in, not people who genuinely care, because it takes a lot out of someone when they're genuinely trying to do their best by someone else. And even if someone does, you need to take your own life back and establish emotional boundaries, ask yourself what *you* think and feel, and what *you* want in your life.

there are plenty of friendly ears round here if you ever need to let off steam xox

Thanks so much F Mae and Katana,
You're replies were both very insightful and gave me a good feeling on a otherwise rough saturday evening(they usually are:-) F Mae, I think I've had a situation similar to yours. My dad is a genius engineer and it took him until my mid twenties to realize that I actually have a brain in my head and that I'm not a space alien. Everything that normal people do always seemed repugnant to him. His abuse was more passive than it sounds like your brother's was. Emotions and self expression were all but forbidden in our house. As he ages, he seems to be grasping things a bit better and his temper has cooled tremendously. I was never able to stand up to him like you did your brother, congratulations for doing that. As far as my friend is concerned, I'm not sure what, if anything, to say to him, he is very actively passive aggressive, if that makes any sense. I have reason to believe he has been calling and hanging up daily just to harass my friend that helped me out. He acts like a jealous lover. Also since I've been in a reclusive/depressed state for the past three weeks, I'm sure he's been telling all of my friends how crazy I am and is blaming all sorts of thing on me and my friend. He's done real damage to my friend's life and considering everybody knows everybody around here, I'm afraid of more retribution. After all we're both "crazy" and everybody knows it, so it's not difficult to make us look bad. You're right about needing respect, even If I can't get it from him, I need to have more for myself. Katana, I really appreciate your checklist. It is like an echo of the little voice in my head that I've been ignoring for a long time. Also, your last paragraph really struck me. It explains a lot of the problems I've had with people. I doubt myself so much that I feel incompetent, then someone steps in and builds me up only to tear me back down, then, dig a whole and throw me down even further than when I started. I doubt myself because I know I've hurt people and I'm afraid if left to my own devices I'll continue to screw things up or hurt people I care about even more. Learning boundaries is staring to help, it's really been one of my most difficult challenges, that and the whole abandonment thing About shutting yourself off, I'm finding that people that really love me seem to understand my retreats and they're usually just glad to see or hear from me. That doesn't mean I don't feel crappy about it but they never try to make me feel bad. It makes me want to get better and be a better friend. I guess a moral of this thread could be that my real friends care enough to try to understand and won't exploit my faults. That, and that healthy boundaries are essential. Haha, easier said than lived.

the whole abandonment thing is a big problem to get past, but I think some of the answer is in the boundaries. ...first you learn to uphold the boundaries, and then you find when you can't depend emotionally on anyone else, you have to start learning to find what you need on the inside. (for me this meant the same thing with looking back at stuff, remembering stuff I'd blocked out, and a whole load of feelings coming back at me with it. but every time that happened it felt like something was released and eventually I felt better than before (before this there was usually extreme dissasociation which would eventually give.)

the abandonment issue didn't come up straight away, but before it started to I was walking around completely out of it for over a week. its not all yet 100% done but I'm getting there. ) at some point whatever feelings it brings up stop feeling right, and you start to feel it less. when you do feel it, you don't react to it in the same way. you start to realise sometimes people aren't abandoning you at all even when you would normally think they are in some way, (the abandonment issue can make you feel abandoned when you are not.) and what you feel begins to feel right, both deeper, more connected to others, and less disturbing.

I think abandonment issues seem to come from needing people (what you do when you rely emotionally on someone else.) which ironically can stop you connecting with them in so many other ways, so thats why sorting things out inside and being able to rely on yourself emotionally starts to lift the abandonment thing. and opens life up to so much more

With the withdrawing thing, I can relate on both sides. Sometimes I do it, but I know other people who do it too. As long as they know what's going on, of course they will understand. decent people won't try to make you feel guilty. but if they don't know what's going on, they will get confused and may wonder whether you just don't want to speak to them (and whether they should leave you alone). they will want to be there for you, but won't want to pester you!, so sometimes its hard to get a balance between looking someone up to say hi and see if they're ok, and giving them space.

Hi Nebular,

Apologies, I haven't read the entire thread - my mental bandwidth is limited but I am compelled to respond to your OP because I'm going through something similar. Disclaimer: I am not BPD either.

One thing I'm having trouble with right now is getting away from my "best friend." I've allowed this person undue influence over my life decisions and emotions for a depressingly long time. I'm afraid I'm paranoid, but I really think he has a sixth sense for playing on every one of my hang ups and using them against me or for his own benefit. He points out something that bothers me about myself, convinces me that he can help me, all the while pointing out every little thing I do wrong or all the crazy things I've done in the past 15 years, or all the screwed up relationships I've had. It sounds stupid, but he really knows how to get in my head and once he there I can't get him out and he's like a bull in a china shop.

Your friend does not only do this to you, he does this to all his friends. I have a friend whom I am currently sloughing off who has the same "gift." She should be a journalist or spy because she really knows how to extract information from people. Deep information. And not only does she then make it her objective to "help" you, she also spreads the story around to other strangers and friends. I don't know first hand whether she's gossiped about me, but she's gossiped enough to me that I can be safe in my assumption. I know way too much about mere acquaintances; more than I want to, need to, or should.

Do yourself a favor and let this friendship die off. It isn't serving you anymore. I also have a feeling your so-called friend will aid in your break-up when s/he realizes you aren't so ready to play ball anymore. So it will be easier than you think. You'll also find yourself feeling better and better as you come out from under this person's influence. It's a bit of a process so don't beat yourself up for not drastically severing the relationship.

I've been going over the actions and behaviors that have gotten me where I am today and am starting to think that I've been keeping things from my counselor out of fear that she'll think I'm crazy. Is this normal?

Yes, it's "normal." Rather, it's typical. I also think we do this out of a lack of self awareness. So you might consider journaling every day so you can get everything out between sessions with your T. And learn not to hold back. Your T isn't there to judge you. S/he's there to be your champion and coach. Baseline. There isn't a sense in going to therapy if you aren't being honest with your T. It's wasted time and money. This is about you and creating a happier life for yourself. The more she knows, the more she can help guide you.

Good luck!