What is wrong with me?

in my opinion i dont think that you have a personality disorder. although it does sound like you have a low self esteem and are having trouble coping with your husbands extra marrital affair. Perhaps it may be useful for both of you to see a cognitive behavioural therapist. You may also benifit from cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) on a one on one bases in order to challenge the negative thoughts that result in you low self esteem. CBT works by teaching you to recognise your self talk and how these thoughts manifest in your behaviour. By catching your negative self talk you are then able to challenge it by replacing it with more positive self talk. Although i make this sound easy, it can be very confronting and you need to be willing to be open, honest and willing to make the necessary changes.

Kellie:
You sound so much like me, and I have BPD. I didn't suffer sexual or physical abuse in the past, either, and feel like I have great parents, etc., also. I never understood why I felt ugly, fat, (athough, like you, others told me opposite and I thought they were lying), had an eating disorder, had extreme rage, didn't trust others, even my boyfriends, etc. etc.

I've undergone a lot of therapy over the past 10 years, and realize that even though my parents are great, my mom was emotionally abusive to me. I may never have realized it on my own (w/out therapy), and I know she did not mean to be "mean" to me, but that's where it all began for me.

I'm not suggesting your parents or anyone else "did" anything to you. I am not an expert on BPD, so I don't know why you are the way you are, but my feeling is that someone in the past has let you down in a big way. That's why you don't trust your husband, that's why you have rage, that's why you don't like yourself, etc. Hence, it's called BPD.

I'd suggest you read more on BPD (like this website and others), and see if you can still relate. Therapy has helped me a lot; if you're emotionally/financially ready for that, it will be a big help if you find a good therapist. I'd also suggest reading the "articles" section on BPD on this website; they're really helpful.

I hope you get something out of this. Take care and feel free to respond if you need to.

Mermaid

Kellie:
You sound so much like me, and I have BPD. I didn't suffer sexual or physical abuse in the past, either, and feel like I have great parents, etc., also. I never understood why I felt ugly, fat, (athough, like you, others told me opposite and I thought they were lying), had an eating disorder, had extreme rage, didn't trust others, even my boyfriends, etc. etc.

I've undergone a lot of therapy over the past 10 years, and realize that even though my parents are great, my mom was emotionally abusive to me. I may never have realized it on my own (w/out therapy), and I know she did not mean to be "mean" to me, but that's where it all began for me.

I'm not suggesting your parents or anyone else "did" anything to you. I am not an expert on BPD, so I don't know why you are the way you are, but my feeling is that someone in the past has let you down in a big way. That's why you don't trust your husband, that's why you have rage, that's why you don't like yourself, etc. Hence, it's called BPD.

I'd suggest you read more on BPD (like this website and others), and see if you can still relate. Therapy has helped me a lot; if you're emotionally/financially ready for that, it will be a big help if you find a good therapist. I'd also suggest reading the "articles" section on BPD on this website; they're really helpful.

I hope you get something out of this. Take care and feel free to respond if you need to.

Mermaid

Welcome to the cheaters hater club.

Once cheated on, bamm.
I worked out, tanned, was 107, modeled, played ball, owned my own business, and home, and a mustang collection. I am writer,, and thought my life was good enough for this guy. But I guess he had a bigger ego problem than I did. I did all this stuff to stay attractive, due to the fact his ex wife(which he will always be in love with) was knock down gorgeous.

During our relationship, I was at the wrong place at the wrong time and was abducted and sexually assaulted, he turned his back on me. He weaned me out of his life, and my self esteem took me to a size 18. I went to food for comfort and never wanted to look good again. I was convinced the crime was my fault,(according to him).


Bpd can rear it's ugly head for many reasons. Something to study on.

You may have anger management trouble, and low self esteem from your previous experience. Take it from me, loving and not being loved back can damage a persons heart, soul, and way of thinking and reacting. We have to learn to choose our friends very carefully.

I've always been one to speak my mind, except when I was a child then I was punished. So now I get my megaphone out and scream to the world. I do just the opposite of anything I'm told. I will not be mastered ever again. I have found SELF. It took along time, but you can be anyone you want to be.

You need to work on that self esteem. Get out and work out, take out your anger on the hills and rocks, by hiking. Do something nice for you. you deserve it.

Most bpd is cause by a lack of parental bonding. and verbal abuse fits that catagory more than anything else. It brainwashes us to hate ourselves. And that is where self harm and self destruction comes in. We are always angry for being given the short stick, but you are not alone.

It is curable tho. Keep that in mind. I'm in recovery but the scars are still there. Find yourself, (I call it a soul vacation) and learn to love yourself, create yourself, reparent yourself, and then reward yourself.

We are all our own worst enemies when we look in the mirror, if someone says you are pretty, you must be. Collect the compliments. And go with it to help build a strong self image. I do know what you mean by getting mad cuz it seems they are lying to make you feel better, but what if... just what if.... you are actually the most gorgeous creature on earth, and you just can't see it. The trick is putting that together with a beautiful inside.

There is no way to describe bpd as an individual, we each have our own hx, and some only have traits, but as life goes on, and the individual harms themselves with negative thoughts and actions, things happen, that can make it worse. I have to practice being this new person every moment, but I like me now, now that I have a me. And that is bpd, not having Self, we call it. http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/