Do I have BPD?

Hi all, I've had some issues the last few years which I thought were related to confidence and depression. But after reading about it, I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Some background first. I'm a 21 year old male, and my mother died of cancer when I was 15. I had other issues ad a child which prevented me from leaving my house on my own, so my mother sort of wrapped me in a bubble. When she died, my life changed. My sister became my legal guardian and I was essentially on my own with life.

I have shocked my family by going to college and University, and graduating with a 2:1. I was never the type to actually commit to something like that and do it. But, on times I look back and wonder...was that really me? Anyway, I'm with a really nice girl now - we'd been friends since I was 16 and we've been together for 3 years now. I seem to have lead 3 different lives over the past year - my family life at home, my life with my friends, and my life with my girlfriend. Around all these, I act totally different - even to the point where my sense of humour is dictated by who I'm with at the time.

My mood rapidly shifts throughout the day due to very minor events. I could be happy one minute, then a minor issue such as me seeing someone or a thought can send me into a spiral of getting more and more depressed and angry at myself, until a happy thought takes me back up again. I know it sounds strange but that's the only way to explain it. It's funny too because I envision two different futures - me and my girlfriend having a child, getting married, living in a nice house as a family...then another future where I move far away from everybody I know and live alone. Even throughout the day I yo-yo between expecting different futures.

Very, very small things set off my self destructive moods. The main thing is worrying about someone else, especially my girlfriend. If she's worried about something (e.g. A driving test, tattoo etc) I end up getting wound up over it and getting almost suicidal because of it. I know it sounds absolutely pathetic, but as much as I tell myself how stupid I'm being I can't shake it. I feel absolutely awful because of my fluctuating moods - I can be chatty with my sister and play around with my 2 nieces, or I can sit in my room in the dark on my computer, hardly doing anything and not wanting to speak to anyone.

My self worth is very, very low. I value myself as someone that my friends and family could do without, and I feel like every problem that happens with people I know is caused by me...I even wonder if my mother would have got cancer and died if I weren't around. But on some days, or even just moments, I like myself and think I even look good. It is just very unstable.

But looking at other symptoms, I don't have it. I have never cut myself, or attempted suicide, and probably wouldn't because leaving my family with my student loans to pay off and having to foot the cost of a funeral is the last thing I'd want to do.

I'm on Fluoextine for depression at the moment, but it seems to have little effect on me so far. I'm not even sure I am depressed - I assumed I was until I heard about BPD.

I'm just wondering if it sounds like I do have BPD? Or any other disorder? I will get professional help soon to diagnose me properly, but I'd love to be able to finally realise I'm not a 'freak' and I'm not alone.

Many thanks
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Hi, guidedbylights! It sounds like you have an illness or symptoms of one, to me. You are definitely not alone. I've had times when I'd get really depressed a few times a day and after a few weeks would pass, I'd feel fine. It would just happen out of the blue. We can't really tell you what you have here, but there are other people who've been through similar stuff.