Work on getting better VS Killing myself - Can't decide

I'm 23 years old.
I always was good at what I did. And also always failed at the end because of different reasons.
My life was always $#%^ and I always managed to get out the $#%^, get back on my feet and continue trying to make the most out of life. I can't even explain howcome I survived many things, experiences, relationships and traumas that "normal" people couldn't bear. I have many wonderfull things I'd love to do to enjoy life but can't really convince myself that it is worth the drama...

I'm right now full time at a psychiatric institution and got diagnosed BPD.
I'm just tired of fighting.
I've always been fighting. And I know life has always obstacles for everybody... there will always be. I don't think I don't have the strenght to over come them. I know I do. I know I am strong enough. I am just tired. EXTREMELY TIRED. I just feel blah about trying, about hoping, about building up dreams all over again (because, trust me, I already did! many times!!) and planing and trying to define again what is my purpose in life or what do I want... I actually don't want anymore. Why is that a crime?! And howcome is not "normal" to say "I want this to stop!"? And howcome am I supposed to be able to say "I don't want this to stop"?

But I'm a fighter.... So I know I would pass trough all this $#%^ and therapies and whatever it takes, if I decide to do it.

The thing is... I can't really decide. I'm still here, so that means my decision isn't taken yet (actually it was and somebody saved me but that's another story...)
Please, tell me whatever you have to say. Good and/or bad. I'm just running out of ideas to keep me motivated at trying...

Why would you stay alive and get "helped/cured"? or not and put an end to your life? Because there's no way I'm staying alive without working on getting out of this BPD, life is just not bearable otherwise anymore....

Thank you,

There really isn't much advice to give, unfortunately. One of the biggest issues with BPD is the lack of a stable identity. How can you motivate yourself if you don't even know who you are or what you want?

Maybe, despite having no 'real' identity we still have the right to exist?

Maybe the motivation has to be more metaphysical as the physical world is hell.

Do you really have the "right" to exist when your BPD makes you pollute everyone's lifes beside you?
what do you mean by a metaphysical reason? Please explain

Nel wrote:Do you really have the "right" to exist when your BPD makes you pollute everyone's lifes beside you?
what do you mean by a metaphysical reason? Please explain

I don't know. That is why I wrote it as a question. It is something I'm trying to deal with as well.

This may sound odd, but this conversation really reflects my uncertainty here. Your reply made me think I made a major mistake and that I had no right to say what I did. In effect, I feel like I'm polluting your life by talking to you. Have I? If I did, I caused destruction yet again with good intentions (or maybe 'good intentions' is my own hubris). If not, then I think this conversation reflects the 'right' to exist.

I know my writing on this is a little odd, but I hate the real world and I reject it. What I mean by metaphysical reasons are everything beyond simply existing in a physical sense. One of the concepts that I find the most comforting is the absurdity of our existence. Thomas Nagel wrote about it the best (and if absurdism interests you then I highly suggest you read his work on absurdity). I'd summarize it as saying that when we exist we can objectively observe ourselves existing in arbitrary world and following customs and practices only by habit. But we never question our subjective existence even though we can see it objectively any time we choose. Thus, life is absurd and a joke. But it isn't meaningless. The absurdity is simply a fact of nature that we have to deal with. The only proper response to live in such a world is to live it with a sense of irony since heroism or despair would "betray a failure to appreciate the cosmic unimportance of the situation". I think this applies to any mental illness, but is especially applicable to BPD. Our lives are absurd, there is no doubt about it.

Does this make any sense? I'm really not trying to be a jerk or trying to minimize your problems with a random philosophical discussion.

I don't know about life being meaningless... maybe it is, maybe not.... I feel like i don't really want to think about that because of the evidence of an unproved right answer.
I don't know if your answer "pollutes" my existence as well.... maybe so do I with yours but since we are used to have people polluting our lives, I think we can maintain this conversation without making a big deal out of that question.... because, again, there's no right answer!
Do you believe BPD can be cured? Or are we in a never-ending fight with ourselves forever?

PS: If this topic hurts you too much, I'll understand if you don't want to get into this conversation with me... Although I want to confess that I feel relieved a bit knowing that I can talk about this with somebody who feels the same. So I don't think you are polluting my life. But I also know I'm wrong sometimes. I just wanted to say thank you for replying and that it feels good reading you...

Nel

Nel wrote:Do you believe BPD can be cured? Or are we in a never-ending fight with ourselves forever?

I've been reading everything I could find on BPD for the last year and a half and I still don't really understand it. It is such a mystery to me. It seems every researcher has a different opinion of what it is. Since I don't understand it despite putting in hundreds of hours of effort, I can't really say.

It appears that there may be one effective treatment, called DBT. Basically it is almost a mix of Buddhism, Socratic dialectics, and CBT. I haven't done it, but I've read through the manual on it and it seems plausible, but it would require a LOT of effort. If you are looking at using therapy, I think a DBT trained therapist would be the optimal case. Non-DBT trained therapists are too easy to push around and will get nothing done. I've never had a DBT trained therapist which is probably one of the reasons I've dumped 7 therapists and psychiatrists in the last year and half.

Nel wrote:Do you really have the "right" to exist when your BPD makes you pollute everyone's lifes beside you?
what do you mean by a metaphysical reason? Please explain

###$ everyone else. I'm being serious here. Your "right to exist" doesn't and shouldn't depend on other people. Yeah, people are going to get hurt, that's none of your business. You can blame yourself, you can feel guilty, but it doesn't change a damn thing.

I've gotten in trouble in this forum before for stating my opinions but I'm going to do it again. Suicide is a choice that each person has the right to make. If you say you're a fighter, then fight. If you can't, I don't think you should feel bad about it. BPD sucks. Life sucks. That's the solid truth. That won't change but you can.

I'm a skeptic when it comes to saying "BPD can be cured". It's the core of a person's personality and that is unchangeable. You can change their thought patterns, their behaviors, all outside hint of it, but it's always going to be there. Can you learn how to have a better life? Learn control? Yes, of course you can. But you have to be willing to work at it and it's hard as all holy ###$.

There is no "miracle cure". Don't waste your time trying to find the "perfect" one.

If you are a fighter then fight. If I'm an athlete and get tired of working out.... what?? Am I less of an athlete if I want to stop doing that? And change and get into something else or maybe into just nothing, which would be better at this right moment... I'm not less of a fighter because I just feel tired to re-building things up. And life is full of that!
There's nothing bad about it.... some people can, I know that with what I lived.... I just run out of energy.

I can change.... yes! I can change! That is not even a question! I already changed! I'm taking the stupid seroquel they are giving me that is making me DUMB! and I'm in the 5th week of an 8 weeks intensive program full time where they just discovered/said to me I'm borderline. I know I can... is the "do I want" question....
I'm gonna start soon the DBT. I just wanna know if you can decide to live admitting to yourself that you are DEAD inside.
I've been doing that for way too long now.

"Trying to find the perfect one"? hahahaha forget it! I already have given up to that. I can actually dispose of people and pass to something else. Even if I see them every day...

I don't know kanin... in all you say, what is the choice you make? are you dead inside? or you are actually living life? then, if you are really BPD and answer more to the second question then... why?
I can't, applied to my case, answer THAT!

Nel

I never insinuated that you were "less" of anything.

Seroquel. I've been prescribed that stuff. I rarely took it and not for the intended reasons so I'm not that familiar with it's actual long-term effects. If you hate the stuff and it isn't helping, then TELL THEM THAT.

Yes, I am borderline.

Have I come to terms with the fact that I can be a terrible human being? Yes. In fact, I've embraced it. And I've never been happier. I can say that I am living life now that I've accepted myself for who I am and allowed myself to explore the parts of myself that years ago I would have been afraid or ashamed of.

I lived my life based on what other people deemed acceptable and correct. Back then, I would have said that I was dead inside from the weight of my own conscience. I made a choice to either end it or change something.

Ultimately, suicide is a choice. It's a choice to continue taking what life gives you. It's a choice to end it. There's consequences to both sides.

First, I won't pretend to know all that a "borderline personality" is. But some of this strikes a chord with me, so here's my words whether they're wanted or not.

Nel wrote:I can change.... yes! I can change! That is not even a question! I already changed! I'm taking the stupid seroquel they are giving me that is making me DUMB! and I'm in the 5th week of an 8 weeks intensive program full time where they just discovered/said to me I'm borderline. I know I can... is the "do I want" question....
I'm gonna start soon the DBT. I just wanna know if you can decide to live admitting to yourself that you are DEAD inside.

I didn't have a great experience with seroquel so I probably shouldn't comment on that. Isn't that one of the great questions everyone experiences though? "What do I want?" I don't think anyone really knows the right answer to that question. Some people just pick something to do and go along with it. If it doesn't suit them, then they try something else. You won't always be happy, and lots of times you forget what the word content really means.

I don't know kanin... in all you say, what is the choice you make? are you dead inside? or you are actually living life? then, if you are really BPD and answer more to the second question then... why?
I can't, applied to my case, answer THAT!

I know this wasn't asked of me, and like I said I don't even know about BPD. But, I know what you mean by "dead inside". What is your definition of living life though? If you can't decide on anything, and everyone is pressuring you that you have to decide in a similar fashion they did, why bother dealing with them? Everyone's path is different. You don't always have to "know" anything either. I don't have a direction myself right now, well, not one that society would deem as a suitable direction. But who gives a ###$, certainly not me. You know what I like to do when my head's about to explode and I can't just pick something? Sit on a hillside and watch the rays of the sun pour through the trees by myself. Does it make me feel all giddy inside? No. Does it calm my brain down? No. Does it enable me to live life? Yes and no. Abandoning any brainwashed thoughts or ideas that people force on me is what that lets me do, at least for that short time. Sure, I may be useless to society, a bum if you will, but just accepting the fact that I won't always know something, or have control of something, well it doesn't do anything, but why should anyone else care. Am I living life? It would be nice to do more, but doing more brings more stress and more intensity in my head.

Yea, not sure if this applies at all, but it's out there now.