Is Mom BPD?

Hi all,
wondering if you can help me. My mother is emotionally unstable and abusive, and I've been wondering what the cause of it could be. I'm thinking it might be BPD, but I'm not sure, and from what I've read it seems a complex and debatable diagnosis.

Basically she gets enraged, often at misconceptions of some insult or something, and completely loses control of herself. She acts totally hysterical- screaming, violent, accusatory, insulting. She often plays the victim, says everyone is against her, even has threatened suicide in the past. She has a hard time admitting when she is wrong- actually, she very rarely does so. She does not remember things as they really happened, often claiming that she did not something or other or it was someone else' fault, even if there's evidence that she's wrong. She tends to see things in extreme, irrational ways. She's incredibly manipulative. I know that she has empathy and love because she can be very tender. Sometimes, however, that empathy seems to melt away and I see a mean spirited sadist. As a teen she'd trap me into this endless recrimination, analyzing some small action or comment as some sort of conspiracy against her, when it had nothing to do with her. She is very cruel to my father, their marriage is very unhappy. She is very controlling as well, trying to get me to let her get me jobs and give me money, which I may need but for obvious reasons don't want it from her. When I was younger her controlling behavior extended to things like my posture, and when I was depressed she would mock me and yell at me for it. She had really high expectations that seemed impossible to meet. Sometimes she gets really hyper and giddy, and she can even be needy and over-affectionate. A lot of her behavior is based on making herself the center of attention. Even though her behavior always seem self-centered, she seems to hate herself and constantly needs affirmation of her good points, in any fight she must be cleared of any wrong doing even though she's generally at the center of any family problems. She's a hypochondriac and has been known to abuse pills. Yet in her professional life she's well liked and successful. Living with her was hell and I really hated her, it took me a long time to get myself together afterward, and I had nightmares and even flashbacks years later. All that said, she's my mom, I love her, and she has some very admirable personality traits. When she realized she had hurt me she did try to work on herself, but she just can't seem to totally face herself. She has been very generous and selfless to people who really needed it. She had a hard time growing up and just seems unable to control her emotions and think rationally.

These all point to BPD as far as I can tell, but I'm not sure. The bigget thing I don't get is the fear of rejection angle. I don't feel as though her actions were caused by a fear of rejection, certainly if she was ever in danger of it these behaviors would be the cause and not a good defense against it. My mom repeatedly threatened to throw me out of the house from age 11- until, eventually, when I got tired of getting beat up, I left. I never felt as though she was afraid of being rejected by me, her kid, but her behavior has led me to distance myself from her. She's actually a lot better now, but whatever is wrong with her mind/emotions is still there. Anyway, I've moved on, I'm a happy adult with my life together, I just really want to figure out what is the root cause of this behavior. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

A, I cannot tell you if your mother is BPD... The way you perceive her actions skews the system of diagnosis and blah blah blah... I'm not saying yes or no because I'm not qualified... you know.

B,

santeria wrote:These all point to BPD as far as I can tell, but I'm not sure. The bigget thing I don't get is the fear of rejection angle. I don't feel as though her actions were caused by a fear of rejection, certainly if she was ever in danger of it these behaviors would be the cause and not a good defense against it. My mom repeatedly threatened to throw me out of the house from age 11- until, eventually, when I got tired of getting beat up, I left. I never felt as though she was afraid of being rejected by me, her kid, but her behavior has led me to distance myself from her.

You're her kid. She isn't worried because kids always come home. My dad was that way for a long long time... He was so worried about eveything else, but never me... he was convinced that I'd always come when called, that kids don't abandon their parents and that I would always be there...
I'm BPD... because of him... because he left....
Eventually I stopped calling and I don't give a good god damn if he drops dead tomorrow. He knows... it shattered him.
Took a long time for him to figure it out, though...
Your mom will figure it out too... and it'll do it's damage and she'll be sad... and whether you care or not is still in the air....

Point is...
No matter what is conclusively wrong with your mother's mental state.... It's YOUR life... and YOU have better things to do than take care of a woman that was supposed to take of you.
<3

Thank you for your reply. Understood, and agreed. It's absolutely a subjective experience, as memory itself is flawed and subjective; everyone in my family has different versions of certain events, often depending on the situation. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad but I agree that (at least in general) you have to do what you think is best for you in situations like the one you described. As for me, I keep my distance and refuse to listen to any abusive speech, but we still have a relationship. We never will be close, because I will never be able to trust her, and frankly I can say I've forgiven her and in many senses of the phrase I have, but I don't think one can completely forgive. I have moved on and accepted it for what it is.

But... I'm still looking for answers. I guess I just want to understand what her mind is like, what is going through her head. For a long time I villanized her, and I still think people are responsible for their actions regardless of mental state (okay, not absolutely so, but in general). I just want to better understand what happened.

I'm really curious about BPD, but the more I read about it the more skeptical I become that it isn't exactly a spot-on diagnosis, that it isn't completely understood. Psychology is a young science and seems rife with error since it can be very subjective and socially influenced. It wasn't that long ago that people were given lobotomies, or that "hysteria" and homosexuality were considered mental disorders; electric shock therapy and other controversial methods are still used, and many disorders are still being debated and defined. Even on a more localized basis, I personally have seen psychologists that I felt were incredibly unprofessional to say the least, and I've seen people misdiagnosed and given medication that actually made them worse.

However, I think there must be something to the basic idea of BPD, and I think that my mom has something wrong with her, at least in that she doesn't think rationally or handle emotions very well. I can't think what else it could be. Since she will never truly open up about her inner dialog or anything to help me understand her actions, I thought if I could figure out what disorder she had I could get a better understanding from those with that disorder who have opened up about it.

santeria wrote:We never will be close, because I will never be able to trust her, and frankly I can say I've forgiven her and in many senses of the phrase I have, but I don't think one can completely forgive.

I believe in always forgiving... but never forgetting. I've totally forgiven Dad... but I won't forget, and that means we'll never have a real relationship. I just don't believe in grudges for longer than like a month, tops. That's me though.

santeria wrote:I still think people are responsible for their actions regardless of mental state (okay, not absolutely so, but in general). I just want to better understand what happened

I'm totally in agreence. I am responsible for my actions regardless of mental state. It's a view not often shared by others. No matter what DIAGNOSIS she has, it doesn't matter. She did what she did and she'll do it again, because that's what people do. Creatures of habit and whatnot.

santeria wrote:I'm really curious about BPD, but the more I read about it the more skeptical I become that it isn't exactly a spot-on diagnosis, that it isn't completely understood.

The problem with the study of abnormal psychology is that normal people have a real hard time conceiving what crazy people think. For real, it's impossible for me to explain to anyone whyI do things or what drive this action and that this thought comes out of no where and... sane people will never understand what's going on with us.
Also, BPD is pretty commonly diagnosed with some other disorder. I'm actually Borderline Personality, Bipolar and have Generalize Anxiety, amongst other (less apparent) things that my shrinks don't really touch on very often. It could be that she has a comorbid diagnosis.

santeria wrote:Since she will never truly open up about her inner dialog or anything to help me understand her actions, I thought if I could figure out what disorder she had I could get a better understanding from those with that disorder who have opened up about it.

It's good that you're trying to understand your mom, I guess... but sometimes, and I speak from how I wish my life had gone, you just have to accept people for who they are, crazy or sane, and leave it alone. I would be so much less messed up if Dad hadn't locked me up in a mental ward, if mom hadn't paid three psychiatric professionals to put me on and take me off meds biweekly, if someone had just let me exist and not questioned so damn much.
I'm okay now, I guess. I refuse to take meds and won't speak to my dad, though. As sane as I feel the past couple of years has ruined a lot of things for me. Love my mom, though I do, I can't stand being around her for too long. Hate my dad, though I do, I wish I could prove he ever loved me. I never had these problems before the "supposed" treatment. All I needed was a shrink and someone to pretend they got it.
Maybe you should consider not labelling your mother as a crazy and finding out what flavor and just accept that she's your mother. I wish someone had done that for me instead.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time in the psychiatric world. As I mentioned earlier, I've seen people get totally screwed up by medication before- actually I'm one of them, I was put on meds for depression, missed a day, and totally freaked out, my mind became very irrational (and as you prob know, the severe depressive mind is already irrational) and I ended up in the hospital. I've known two people for whom medication was one of the reasons they went off the deep end and committed suicide, and one (beside myself) for whom it was part of the reason for the attempt. I've met shrinks who seemed like they were the crazy ones or who weren't at all helpful, and I've read studies of shrinks convincing people that they'd "recovered" memories of things that didn't happen, like a virgin who was never really raped and people who were convinced through hypnosis they'd been abducted by aliens! Part of my mother's abuse has actually been labeling others as crazy and using quack shrinks to back her up.
I'm actually bipolar myself, and I've done drugs, so I get what it is to be overcome by emotion and not thinking rationally; I've done things I regret too, but I take responsibility not only for my behavior but for how I manage my mood. I worked really hard to get myself together and I have a strong moral compass to treat other people well. I think my personal issues are maybe less complicated and easier to manage than my mother's; the hardest thing I had to get over was the abuse, once I learned the cognitive therapy method I was able to handle my depressive episodes, still not sure what I will do if I go manic again though, so I try to avoid thing that trigger, like too much stress and smoking too much weed.
I absolutely agree that it is difficult, if not impossible, for the sane to understand what it's like to lose it. That is only about half the problem, I think; the other half in my view is simply that the science of the mind/emotions is very young and unrefined. Some studies and case histories I've read about have indicated that BPD tends to be over-diagnosed, misdiagnosed, even sexist; applied to any female patient who is difficult. A great book on psychological abuses is "Mad in America". In the book, the author indicates that sometimes medication has caused some of the symptoms that were attributed to disorder.
So I understand what you mean about not trying to label, but I still would like to try and figure out what is going on inside. Frankly, thinking of her as crazy is something that helps me to forgive her and get along with her, because if there weren't something wrong with her mind that made her think irrationally and she still acted like this, I'd have to think of her as a straight-up sadist or something. I'm hoping that by talking to BPD people who can say "I used to do stuff like that, this is how I was feeling, this is what helped me" can help me figure out better ways to deal with her or at least understand her.
Thanks for your comments.

Create your own arena of control : )

I suggest using a diary for both of you to share experiences and to better understand behavior and thought patterns. I am a writer so of course that is my natural suggestion.

Santeria I also want to add your willingness and concern for your mother shows you have the ability to step outside of yourself and go to a level that portrays your caring nature in a very positive manner.

You have also indicated in your posts that you have conditions yourself yet your concern for her is ultimately what shines through. This is often a characteristic I find lacking in others.

Thanks V, but it's actually a lot more selfish than that. I want to understand what's going on with her, why she acts the way she does, what the best way to handle it is. Do you think it sounds like she has this disorder? Can you give me any insight as to how it feels to have this, why people act this way?
The diary idea is excellent but unfortunately she is resistant to treatment. If I were to imply that there was something wrong with her and the way she's acted, she would be very upset and would act out. In the past, she has acknowledged abuse and tried to work on herself but at this point we pretty much leave the past in the past. She's sorta in denial about a lot of it. Which is okay, because when I was younger and needed it she acknowledged it, but I also worry that she won't check her behavior towards others in the future if she erases the past too much.
I consider having some sort of mental condition part of the human condition; it's just a matter of degree, and the world itself is pretty crazy, full of violence and misery on one hand and ecstacy and beauty on the other. When I look back on my own hardships I see it as an advantage in a way- it makes me more empathetic, stronger, a better writer. Thanks for your comments.

It is pointless to offer an opinion on whether someone has a disorder as it is literally, literally impossible to diagnose online, even with your level of insight as to her behaviour.

Perhaps write something to her expressing your concern? Word it in a way that portrays your level of care for her. If she is the kind who despises seeking help for herself then ask her to do it for you.

Unfortunately helping her will be almost impossible from your position. She must be the one who initiates it and with a willing hand. You may find a way to encourage her.

I agree that the extremes of our hardships can also be the extremes of our joys if we can learn to utilise that suffering to an advantage.

Hi, I can't provide a diagnosis for your mother, but I felt the urge to post to let you know that I hear what you are saying and that I identify with it.

I wonder similar things about my situation growing up. Who had what disorder? How did that person get that way? Why did that person treat me the way they treated me? So forth and so on. In my situation, of course I remain curious, but the bottom line is this: I can't diagnose them myself, therefore I will likely never know exactly what their diagnoses would be, if any.

So, instead, I try to consider it thusly: "What might lead a person to act this way? How did that behavior or action influence my experiences as a child? How does that unresolved emotion influence me now? How can I resolve that emotion when it's likely I can never have a productive discussion with the person toward whom I feel/felt that emotion?" This is the closest I believe I will come to answering those difficult questions. It's all I have to work with.