Aloneness- Nons and BPDS

Just wondering whether anyone can shed some light on this topic.

Intense fear of abandonment and aloneness is often cited as a characteristic of someone with BPD.
I am in the end game of disentangling myself after 18 months from what has become clear was a relationship with someone with a high proportion of the behavioural characteristics of BPD.
I am trying to work out like so many others on these forums regarding the particular type of needs in me that drew me energetically to my partner (female). I believe that our souls draws us together for a higher learning about our unconscious blocks to a full experience of love and what we can be.
In any case in this process I have always been aware of a difficulty in myself around being alone. I don't particularly like it however before I met my soon to be ex I had been more or less alone for 7 years. That was after going through a marriage where many of the same abusive qualities I have recently experienced existed and I am still experiencing due to myself and my ex wife having young children to deal with on an ongoing basis.

BPD sufferers seem to need a focal relationship to play out control issues around love and attachment. Then quickness with which they try and re-institute that dynamic after a failed relationship would seem to support that view.

Their partners would seem in a general sense need the adorational love aspect of the BPD behaviour to satisfy co-dependancy or unmet love needs from childhood. Also the non is taking on the familiarity of possible abuse in their own family of origin. However it would seem in general the NON seems to not need another relationship straight away but an intense time of obsessing, clarifying, questionsing, soul searching and the like to make sense out of what brought them to where they were with the BPD partner and how they allowed the destruction of their identity to continue in spite of the red flags that were apparent everywhere.


The question I guess is what is the difference in the quality of or fear of aloneness a BPD sufferer experiences out of relationship and a NON BPD . I guess in the process of my breaking up with this partner I have sensed the fear of being on my own again that I experienced prior to meeting her and I suspect it is more to do with needing the affirmation of another in a co-dependant but different way from the BPD sufferer. Any views on this topic would be most welcome.

Hi there,

If you're disengaging after 18 mos I don't believe you are codependent. You likely spent about ~12 of those months just trying to figure out WTH was going on and getting things back to the way they were during the honeymoon period.

When we are lonely or disconnected we are most susceptible to unhealthy relationships. That's really all there is to it. There is always more to say on why we got ourselves into a disconnected state, and you're probably on that journey right now.

You aren't fearing being alone; you're fearing disconnection. Avoiding disconnection in a healthy way is a daily practice for people like us. We have to manage it. We learn to fill our lives on our own, to keep ourselves content on our own, to keep ourselves engaged with our surroundings and the people around us. When we're not in this practice we are like ghosts, shuffling through the outskirts, encountering only other ghosts.

Everyone is scared of being on their own again after any kind of relationship.

velouria wrote:We learn to fill our lives on our own, to keep ourselves content on our own, to keep ourselves engaged with our surroundings and the people around us. When we're not in this practice we are like ghosts, shuffling through the outskirts, encountering only other ghosts.

Also, this is me like every damn day, except I seem to interact with the living, they just don't remember like 20 minutes later.

...they just don't remember like 20 minutes later.

What do you mean?

velouria wrote:

...they just don't remember like 20 minutes later.

What do you mean?

A, 20 minutes in the Smile Universe is a couple of days.
B, I have to try really hard to be memorable and whatnot. I can clam up and be shy and not talk because people scare me to death... and if I do that then I'm just some girl they saw once.
My friends kind of remember I exist, but they dont' really call unless I've been all extroverted that week or something.

Socializing is hard... I'm not really used to it, because I don't DO that...
So it's hard to figure out what to do so that I seem interesting and whatnot...
Stories of my past crimes seem to raise lots of interest...

I feel an auntie velouria lecture coming on!

For what?!
I'm totally trying here, V.

For real. I went out Monday with the BFF...
Tuesday Red came over to watch cable with me at mom's because I was exhausted from Monday...
Last night I was supposed to go out with the BFF to make some friends at the bar or something but she flaked...
I was gonna go out alone... that seemed like a bad idea...
Hockey boy was at a concert (that he offered to take me to, but I don't really like Rush)....
So I was all freaking out and needed people but felt alone... and OMG OMG OMG...
So I dropped in, unannounced on my friend that I KNOW has no other friends in the state...
We ate Chinese an I had fun even though it was totally NOT according to plan.

I am trying...
I've been trying because Red's been shoving socialization down my throat since I told him he needed to leave.
He's scared I'm gonna get twisted (drunk and high) in my livingroom every night...
So... I'm trying...
REALLY

Yay, Smile! Wish I could insert pictures of cupcakes. Mmmm...

It's really hard to manage this stuff, at first. Once you get a practice, it gets easier and easier and then it becomes you.

I liked the spontaneous dropping in on friend and eating Chinese food. Something I wanted to add to the suicide thread was the suggestion to schedule things to keep you engaged and productive. It seems mundane but it becomes the seed to your blossoming.

I have to try really hard to be memorable and whatnot.

I think that depends on the forum and the audience. I am 100% certain that there are situations in which you do not have to work hard to be memorable.

velouria wrote:I think that depends on the forum and the audience. I am 100% certain that there are situations in which you do not have to work hard to be memorable.

Only when I'm so drunk I blackout.
I mean, I don't remember, but everyone else does...
Forever...
Sober, I don't speak... that's all there is, really.

What about when you're doing your creative endeavors. In the open, amongst others.

This is actually a very difficult topic of conversation for me. So I hope I'm not coming across as dismissive.