I am going to kill myself on 2012

My only life goal, since my spirituality left me, has been to live to see 2012. I don't know if that makes me delusional or not. I believe in my heart, something good will happen on 2012, a new age, and i want to see it, thus it would be a shame to die before that. If it turns out to be the end of the world, i am still excited to see it. I invest lots of time in thinking of this excitement, (which mentioned to me before someone thought i was worrying, which is not true, it excites me). What worries me is if nothing happens. Then i have to shoot myself in the face.
The whole gist of it all, is i have not found any other life goal. Nothing makes me happy. Small distractions help me move on like a robot, but i still feel this huge empty void. I don't even think it's depression. Because i have clinical depression with episodes that come off and on and that makes me paralysed. This feeling is just a simple no will to live. I feel dead inside.
Then again i've used that expression for feeling depressed too.


I have been working my ass off trying to find the will to live, but i just can't do it. I'm not suicidal, i just hate living my life, am tired of all the small distractions, and i have never been happy. I have a few suicide attempts here and then when the extremes of my BPD come into place, but it's not the same thing as how i feel 24/7.

As soon as my spirituality left, years and years ago, i tried to kill myself on my birthday. (I also suffer a weird phobia of aging, time, birthdays to extreme extents). When that didn't work out and i ended up almost going to prison for random reasons, life intended to want me to live, they sent me to a criminally insane psychologist and such...

From there I turned into an ignorant alcoholic. Because i couldn't accept my life no longer wanted me. It rejected me, slapped me in the face. My faith was taken away. It was ALL i had. Once you taste the ignorance, you can never go back.
I can stop drinking. But i cannot stop the desire for artificial happiness. Being sober now, only makes me hate my life more!
The first step in AA is wanting to recover. WELL I DON"T. I don't even want to live, let alone recover.

But there is a part of me that wants to keep on. I have lots of other addictions now too, and i really don't want them. The AA groups taught me you can only recover with faith. That brought me to remember i once had it. I really want it back.
I just can't take action.
I also can't get the will to live. I hate everything. And usually that black and white thinking is only once in awhile. It's all the time now.

I should be grateful for the house i have. But instead... it fills me with resentment.

You GOTS ta understand!!!!!!!
It's not like i ever give up, that's the thing. I work my ass off, exhaust myself, i've been through things no one else has, i've been through more than one person could ever handle, physical ailments, bad luck galore, and bad things happening BAM right after another. Does it sound like i'm complaining? Well i'm not, i believe bad things make us stronger, and for what my life has in store for me, it's gotta be big. But I can't get to that point unless i erase this road block of no motivation!
I can't prepare for 2012 unless i can find the will to live. In fact, i can't even work on my addictions or simple things if i can't find the will to live. You'd think it would be easy, with all the things i believe in, and all the things i know, and the amount of self awareness i have.
What the hell do i do?
And NO i will NEVER take medication for anything. I'm on serequel as it is, and i even want to go off of that. I've been on it all, and all of that just makes me worse.

I know what could make me happy temporarily. I wish i could dance hip hop. That kind of thing could replace the lack of fun in my life that i now crave since being an addict. It used to be, that i was always dark, sombre, miserable and content being alone with myself. That personality is very exhausting. I want to have fun in meaningless ignorant ways. But... that's not a good thing if i'm trying to embrace my spirituality.
Dance would be my passion... if it were anywhere near my community. Physical activity keeps me somewhat sane, not that anyone enjoys running on a treadmill completely. I like writing and art, but it depresses and isolates me.
One of my near goals is to get into a native treatment Center for addiction and ptsd.
But i'm running out of ideas. And still, i feel this empty void of not wanting to live, or nothing making me happy. I put of activities that could benefit me, just because id rather feel bad.
I want to feel comfortable with myself, my life, my future, so i don't have to keep up my off the wall safety plans that include millions of dollars i can't afford, or suicide plans to escape.
What the hell do i do?

So you're basing your existence on the outcome of a year that by now, you should know not to expect anything amazing or special to happen if you look at past years.

Why do we have to understand? It seems to me you're trying to convince yourself that you don't need to do this. You wouldn't be posting if you didn't want someone to try to get you to see a different perspective and thus change your mind.

Go get freaking dance lessons already and stop acting like an angsty teen.

Here's a goal. Dance until 2012 and if you're still hating life, then you can decide if you want to quit.

I wish i could dance hip hop.

Get thee to a class. It sounds trite, but you learn so much about yourself (good stuff) when you dance.

If I'm not married, have kids or am pregnant when I turn 26 I'm going to kill myself.
It's just always been the plan, since I was like 14...
Haven't given it much thought since then. I have the who, what, when and where... the why is hard, but I have that too...

These days the why is kind of skewed, but it's still there...
I figure I'll give it a good think when I turn 25...
I mean... Until then what the hell do I care about the future?

Until then, it's just the plan, like it's always been.

When everyone gets to their proposed suicide date and doesn't off themselves, could we please have a party?

Sheez, people.

Without a will to live you would be dead already. You just haven't noticed that you have one.

Or maybe they're just suicidal and terrible, terrible procrastinators.

kanin wrote:Dance until 2012 and if you're still hating life, then you can decide if you want to quit.

Great advice.

And spirituality doesn't leave. You just have to find where its been hiding out.

Me too.

kanin wrote:So you're basing your existence on the outcome of a year that by now, you should know not to expect anything amazing or special to happen if you look at past years.

Why do we have to understand? It seems to me you're trying to convince yourself that you don't need to do this. You wouldn't be posting if you didn't want someone to try to get you to see a different perspective and thus change your mind.

Go get freaking dance lessons already and stop acting like an angsty teen.

Here's a goal. Dance until 2012 and if you're still hating life, then you can decide if you want to quit.

No what it comes down to is my illogical thoughts are ruining my life in that matter. I don't care if you believe in 2012 or not. The fact is, it has just become another block in my life that i need to move on from.

Why do you have to understand? Because i was trying to explain something obviously. No $#%^, the only reason i posted this was to get insight and help towards my problem.
I would think that other people with BPD would understand this type of thinking, but obviously not.

Stop acting like an angsty teen. What a horrible ######6 thing to say, what gives you the right? I may be acting a little delusional, my thoughts may be sporadic and illogical, hence the reason i'm posting in this forum, but to say that when it boils down to my mental illness is a little harsh, don't ya think?
I know my thoughts don't make sense. I know i need to change things. I know all that obviously.

Do you seriously think dance lessons is going to cure clinical depression? Do you think it's going to cure my illogical fear of time? Do you think its going to erase the suicidal thoughts in mind? Is it going to fill this empty void? NO.
Sure it would be ANOTHER temporary distraction. It might even be a good idea if it were possible, as only a distraction, but i need more help than a ######6 dance class.
Not to mention the fact it is IMPOSSIBLE to find dance in my town, and i already wrote that. There is none. It's a small town. As of right now i also have injuries, so even if i could find dance in this place, i still couldn't do it.

And no, that is not a good goal at all, hence my post in the first place. So you tell me to stick out my suicide plan, and see when the time comes if i can change in the blink of an eye. I really hope you never get into counselling.

Nope. I need ideas on how to change the thought process, and hopefully not from idiots acting immaturely about my situation.