Abandonment is eating away on me!

Ok, so I broke up with the bad bf, we still live together UGH, I still love him, and I am SO angry at him at the same time.
I have after many years learned to see people for the gray that they are and forgive, I have also learned to not hold grudges. BUT the abandonment is killing me..

I always question if I am justified to be angry I make a list and I have the right to it.
cause he has:
*Never kept promises
*Don't held up his part of responsibilities, (we started renovating upstairs all my stuff was done within two weeks, his is still not after 4 months)
* Lied to me several times
* rather jerked off than had sex
* and just a regular lazy bum
* narcissist like all other addicts ALWAYS puts himself first

on top of that he said: I know I was the one who ###$ up, but it's just too hard to fix it. I don't have the energy to do everything in the world to regain your trust again so I am just gonna let it go.

THAT was the big smack in the face, and I am pissed, I am not a violent person per say, but I WANT to really right hook him and bash his head into the wall and ask him HOW can you be that stupid?

I know I deserve better, I know I can have better, and yet I am so stuck on him, and I still love him.

I know it all comes down to his weed addicton, the emotional need to cope with his day (I found him smoking 7.00 AM yesterday morning before he went to work), he can't cope without it, and he thinks hes so smart, which he is but not THAT smart. His IQ is still a few points under mine or he would not be as stupid as he is at times. He has a good heart, but the need for weed covers all his decisions and intentions, it makes him horny and leads to masturbation, which is another addiction of his he don't feel he has any issues so..

I really can do a lot better, yet I am hurting so bad cause I feel hat I did everything for him and he just really took, took and took. Promises meant nothing to him, and I just wish I could stop having feelings for him but its hard when you share bed and just smelling him makes my tummy twitch and I start crying.

I have to hold my reins really hard, I have several guys who all are trying to come and see me now when they found out that I am single, the instinct to run to the next one to not feel alone is so strong its scary. But that won't help any issues either I always try to truly heal up before I move on but this time its just hurting more than some. Probably cause usually I don't trust, I put an if on people, so when they hurt me I am prepared, this so I don't have to split in black and white and feel grudge Im just thinkign they are humans it's ok and I move on. I never put myself in financial or physical danger to help people in ways it can harm me if you know what I mean. Always keep a certain distant but help as much as I can, and I refuse to be taken advantaged of, sometimes I fail but usually I have a pretty good balance. This time, this guy, I have known him for a while, and I really trusted him, not in my whole adult life have I EVER trusted anyone like I did trust him. Usually I always check up on them, the paranoia is creeping around, and almost always I find stuff from the getgo which makes me move on rather quickly. I do not tolerate lies very well at all I HATE them with a passion.. but just cause i trusted this guy so much, the hurt is beyond anything I have felt in years. Even when my ex husband was at his worst it didn't hurt this much.

I tossed in the towel yesterday and called a shrink I am hoping they are calling back with an appointment soon, I have learned a lot of control over my life, but the control is fragile and this really broke me all together. I feel like I have fallen back a few in my development and I am just tired of wasting time trying to pull myself together again. With the anxiety that is, I don't have time to fall apart, I am about to go back to school I cant deal with a depression again I can't afford the time for my own time recovery it takes too long. I am hoping that either prozac or mood stabilisers will work on me, so I can finally at last get that last piece of balance I need, so when a guy behave like this I can just walk away easier.

My rational part of the brain keeps telling me, you are better off, there's way better guys out there.
My heart is but I want this one, why don't he want me? am I not good enough?

Seriously in the 4 months we have lived together he hasnt cleaned once, I do parts of his laundry, he don't do any of mine, he don't wash the sheets or anything. He has bad credit, he don't care barely at all if I am alive or anything.

SO WHY AM I SO STUCK ON HIM!! can someone please kick my butt about it. I need to feel my head is not totally insane (well it kinda is but still). Right now work is the only thing keeping me up, my customers is my life, to help them and give them a smile makes me feel better. I have one woman who is stuck in a shelter with her two kids, I try to tell myself at least I got a bed, internet and a roof over my head. I have a surprised prepared for her tonight, I have put together a little basket with a few goodies, a pack of cigarettes, some treats for the kids and a 20 dollar bill it aint much but it will give her a little extra for a couple of days. Focusing on helping others and seeing that my situation could be worse helps, I am just going insane over the pain in my body, I just so need to be hugged right now that its not even funny.

I cant even stop crying right now.. *sighs*
Sorry I am just rambeling, my mind runs a mile a minute and I really should just drop it like a stone. I am looking for another place, but till I can move out it will be rather tough on me emotionally to see him and to see him court someone else

it's just hurting..

I totally understand. But I'm not going to kick your butt. I know what it's like to love someone who treats you really, really bad. it makes no sense. It's a familiar pattern, and I'm sure there are others on this forum who can give you much better advice than me. Just stick to your guns and get him out of your life.

If it were my best friend and she described her boyfriend the way you did I would turn to her in amazement and ask, "What are you doing with such a loser? You deserve so much better." And I bet you would too! It's much harder when you're emotionally caught up in it.

Good luck and hugs.

My coworkers says the say thing, it don't stop the hurt though and it is driving me from here to Kingdom Kong.
I just curled up in bed next to him, and I just want to reach out and hold him and I know theres nothing there that wil ever be a future worthy of what I want for myself. And yet the longing for him is so strong..

I know I really just should stop feeling but I guess it will be a while more, I am telling everyone I know to keep eyes open for a room for me somewhere. I am hoping someone knows someone, cause I have to get out of here. Hopefully after that I can truly get over him.

He has so much potential and he's just wasting it all, he told me a while back he calculated he had spent approx 120 000 dollars on weed all together (a couple of years he did nothing but worked adn smoked 24-7) and them two years he earned over 70 grand, and he has a lousy credit and no savings. THAT oughta tell me.

Worse is, he thinks its funny..

I wish his grandma was alive she would NEVER let him get away with this, he really is wasting himself.. on the other hand I am glad I discovered it all now after only 8 months instead of 3 years down the road.. its just when we have the good times, its good really good. when his need for weed takes over it all colapses.. and then the lies..

On the good end I drove him so bonkers that even if a begged for him to take me back he never would which I guess is a good thing. Stops me from doing further more mistakes so to say.

Someone wants me they better treat me right, I work hard, I am helpful, I am honest, I spoil the one I am with with little surprises a lot of hugging and cuddeling, I aim high, I keep my morals straight. Tonight I helped a little old lady to make sure she got home safely. The bus dropped her off and at night this place where I am at is not always too safe there's some local weirdos here and there. So she was with me in where I was working, I gave her a free cup of coffe till her cab arrived, didn't want her to stand outside alone if my grandma was still alive and she was in a similar situation I would want someone to look out for her. I want a person who still have personal standards and I deserve it. I have worked way too hard on myself to NOT have it.

I don't care if the person is poor, as long as finances are in ORDER, life In order, no drama, no drugs, just an honest, sweet hard working person with somewhat of a brain. I actually did date a guy described above, however his IQ level, couldnt discuss politics, religion, science, nothing of that sort and I do need that too. I still worship that guy though just for his honesty and pure heart, not ONCE did he trigger any worries in me NEVER for that he will ever have a peice of my heart. But I love working with big dangerous dogs, he is afraid of dogs ANY KIND. He smokes I dont like smooking, his brain not so smart and I love smarts, but his heart as beautiful as could be after I broke up this whole time he still hasn't given up hopes on winning me back. And now all borderlines knows that we are suckers for a guy that tries too bad I don't see that either working in the long run. Now I just need to meet a guy like that again but with brains, no smoking and that loves dogs, genetic experiments anyone?

ah well Im gonna try to sleep now, dreaming of a better stronger tomorrow, I refuse to give up, I refuse to take the treatment, I am worth more and I am valuable. Smart, funny, caring, goofy, loving, awesome in bed, good cook, not too organized but ah well I can;t be perfect. and yes I keep reminding myself of my good sides, why? the more I repeat them the more its easier to believe in them and raise aboev the feeling of inadequacy or how you spell it.

and crispy critter, thanks for the hugs, hugs really do make the world a better place!

ThinkingTooMuch wrote: I actually did date a guy described above, however his IQ level, couldnt discuss politics, religion, science, nothing of that sort and I do need that too.

I'm going to level with you:

I've seen you repeat several variations of this. It makes you sound like a pompous ass. I certainly hope you aren't like this in person with prospective mates, since your perspective of what constitutes an intelligent being on a personal level is far off. And someone could just as well apply standards of intelligence to your rapidly fluctuating emotional states.

"Intelligence" is knowing what is relevant to you in order to make your life better, and you a better person. Period. Everything else is bullcrap. Bricks without mortar.

You seem like a very sweet girl who's done a lot for herself, means well, and does well for others. Much respect. I was going to post something like the above yesterday but held off until you mentioned it again. I'm sure you're frustrated with your circumstances, and some of the people around you. Just be careful not to let your frustrations cloud your view of others. Our standards and our views of other people often change as we change ourselves. What we thought we needed, we no longer expect or require.

Sorry I come across that way, its more frustration than anything. Example ex bf is very book smart, we can discuss everything problem is, he's very narcisstic. He also don't realize how he's hurting himself with his lifestyle hence I bash his brain cause I am angry at him and frustrated for throwing away his life even if it's not with me he is still throwing away his life. and to see all the pontieal he has and how far he can go if he just dropped the weed, the bad buddies and MADE soemthing of himself with the supporting mother he has and I know how much I have struggled and still have a way to go. And he don't take the opurtunity, of course it's annoying me. The job he has now he can earn enough to fix everything with his credit, savings, get the house he wants, and yet he don't it's all wasted on weed.

In the other guys case, he's street smart but he really has no book smarts, I don't mean to be mean, I adore the guy, but unless you talk about his job or his kids or a random movie, there's not much to talk about. so its not to be mean he just don't read, no news, he don't inform himself about politics science religion anything. He is loyal though with a golden heart for which I will always do anything I can to help him in any way I ever could you don't come across people like that often.

also the reason I keep repeating that I am worth better and my good sides is cause when I feel insecure and abandonment is eatin on me, if I focus on what I have achived, the sides that I hold a little pride in, I repeat them in reading, in my mind, in writing just so I can retain focus on what is important and what I want to do with my life. The more often you hear it, the easier it gets to belive in it you basically reprogram your own brain. It's like a mantra more than anything.

Hope this makes more sence.. I am a little bti out of my mind, slightly better than yesterday, another two weeks and I should be back in balance. Till then I will be a bit upside down inside out. Sorry again for coming across as an asshole I try to keep myself to a higher standard to become better and to help others and with english as a second language and frustration and panic, my english goes south. sorry again.

Makes perfect sense. There's absolutely nothing wrong with thinking everything through and venting. You understood my point exactly: as with "outdoor" and "indoor" voice, you're fine so long as you know the difference between "inside your head" and "outside your head" in your personal life.

BTW: You're doing a good thing for dogs. My six-year-old rescue hellhound, who I've had for three years, is fifteen pounds of mayhem. She's a 70 pound pit at heart.