Crisis TODAY!

I agree, I am too much of a mess myself. She is awesome. I will relinquish my job to you Velouria!

KK

No, really, stop. *tears streaming through generously-applied mascara*

I would suck at it. Mark my words.

I don't blame you. It is too much for me right now. I love to help people, but people on this forum will suck you dry.

KK

So, any other thoughts for me before you go away? I would love to talk all night, but that might not be a possiblity.

Love, KK

Do the map exercise. And the follow-up thoughts. Seriously. It's not malarky.

velouria wrote:Do the map exercise. And the follow-up thoughts. Seriously. It's not malarky.

Ok, I will try to find the map exercise. ?? Not sure where it is. Thanks

It's just a basic brainstorm map. Have you ever done one before?

Here (sorry to quote myself):

velouria wrote:Well, I don't think you need to consider this paramour your only means of escape. Though you do need escape and you deserve it. So Exercise #1 is to make a list of escapes that don't include this man, drinking, or sex.

Another one. Since escape is the theme. Make a brainstorm map (I keep pushing this on people and nobody will bite ) with the word "escape" in the center then branch out with other ideas from there all the way out to the edges of the page. Study it. Once you're done, construct sentences from the following words:

I am aware...
I feel...
I understand...
When I read this I...

OK, I know I said no drink but you could have a glass of wine while you do this, light a candle, make it sexy. You know, treat yourself right. You need some pampering after the BS you just endured.

Thank you for being my therapist last night, Velouria. At the least I felt like someone was trying to help. I had not even really started drinking but I noticed that my posts did not make a lot of sense!!

Geez! Well the night did not get any better. I ended up drinking a liter bottle of Vodka, but even before that was when I discovered that my dad had hid all the house and car keys. We need to have words about that, I will be damned if I am going to be locked in this house!!!

AND before I drank anything, I took a big glass crock pot outside and smashed it to pieces. I wanted to do more destruction, but just left it at that. I had fun cleaning that mess up. No one mentioned it, yet.

Today I have a few minutes to myself and I am screaming out loud that "I want out of here!" Repeatedly for about 10 minutes or more. Then I just screamed. When my parents talk to me I cannot do anything but yell. I am in such a crisis, but I do not know what to do.

Once you have been in the hospital, they pretty much give you hell for coming back. Great philosophy. Mostly it is this asshole doctor I always get assigned to. He just told me one time that I was going to die. And that my children and grandchildren were not much to want to live life for. This is a state hospital. The ones that you have to have money or insurance for do not treat you with such horrid non compassion.

So last night, shockingly, I did some stupid things after drinking. Posting on Facebook that I was looking for a hit man, talking about my son's crappy girlfriend. Calling her a stripper whore. Which she is.

She is taking all her spite out on my son and my family, making her daughter suffer by not allowing her dad or me wish her a happy birthday or spend anytime with her. She may not allow the children to go on this prepaid very exclusive trip to Disney World next week. What is she hoping to gain? It would only take a private detective, and a good lawyer to at least get joint custody. She won't even take $5,000 to agree to joint custody. She never wants them anyway. I can't help but want to cause her harm. She is ruining my 2 grand children's lives. Plus the other two she has are already on the path to destruction. Their dad is an ex-con for real drug dealer. Now she is pregnant again??? By who? What a moron.

Anyway, with trying to help parents that are cranky and do not want my advice, taking care of the house, but I get nothing??? I cannot even get my basic needs met. It is so overwhelmingly stressful. It is too much for me, I cannot do it anymore. I don't care how they want to guilt trip me.

Not to mention my son, killing himself with alcohol...not helped by the above mentioned piece of work ex-girlfriend.

Then I went shopping for clothes and shoes after not having any summer clothes for a year. That was my dumb mistake for thinking I deserve CLOTHES!!! I spent too much money and that was a war. A whopping 300 dollars for a whole summer wardrobe. What was I thinking. As my mom said, I must have gone to the most expensive store in the mall!!!

I had to cover the money in the bank until I can go and return them. I asked my parents to, yelling that I need the damn money! They were going anyway, and it is not close by.

I am definitely taking the ALL the clothes and the shoes back. I don't want them anymore, it is not worth it.

That is when I really first blew up. I never could calm down after that. I never even ate anything yesterday. I am a diabetic, so that is not good. I have a few health problems that could get me anytime. I think what is going to kill me is all this stress, and it is going to be long, drawn out and painful.

I do wish I could calm down and stop screaming and crying. I am scaring myself.

Oh, and about the guy, I asked him about coming to stay a bit and although he was all chummy, I guess just wanting sex the other night, he gave me a bunch of lame excuses. Why are most men so damn selfish? So that was great.

Then my oldest son that I wanted to talk to, evidently is just not going to talk to me anymore about anything serious. I explained what happened and he said nothing. He was the last person that knows me that would talk to me these last few years and has helped keep me afloat.

Now I don't know what I am going to do. After a few minutes of silence last night, he just said he had nothing to say. I said, fine! Then hung up abruptly. This is too too much. I have NO support except the board here. I cannot make it this way. It scares me what I might decide to do. The drinking really helped. Ha!!

End of story. I do think that I HAVE to get out of this house or I am literally going to go psychotic.

Sorry for the long tirade.

KK

KK, you are being scraped out and you are allowing it to happen. And add that fellow to the list of people who are taking advantage of you and not providing you with the appreciation you deserve. Thing is, there is a way to deal with this. And it does not include drinking a liter of vodka or busting up glassware. It's up to you to decide which path to choose. So far, from what you've described, you are choosing the path to the state hospital. And you don't even want to go there!

So I'm only suggesting you look at each step you take and make the healthier choice at each of those steps. Each decision is a small one, so you don't have to worry about being overwhelmed but you'll have to accept that there are no instant solutions. Your anger is justified. Only, there's no sense in caging yourself in the anger. You don't want to die on that hill. So now (or soon) is the time to start pulling yourself out of this situation and onto something that is more worthy of the wonderful KK.

First and foremost, you can only control the "controllables." In general, we can only control ourselves. So start there. Your focus is on you and you alone. As hard as it is, you cannot control your son's gf. No doubt that she is trash. But you have no means to control that situation so you absolutely must remove yourself from it, from feeling it, from suffering from it. And I know it involves your grandkids, but there is no sense in spinning your wheels over something you cannot resolve. It's your son's responsibility to handle this one. So take this item off the list of things for KK to agonize over.

Good men are not selfish. You've got yourself a lame-ass. Cut him out of your life. He sucks. And it's not a reflection of you that he sucks. Only that you have been engaging with sucky men. If you don't think you can attract a good man or woman, it's only a temporary station. It only means time to focus on you and learn to love and care for yourself.

- Eat
- Exercise
- Meditate
- Journal
- Watch a funny movie
- Read a trash novel
- Take a bubble bath

Basic stuff, right? Stop trying to kill yourself because you're in a temporarily crappy situation. You can get yourself out of this. Step by step is all it takes. But you have to start with you.

And do that damn brainstorm map.

Velouria,

You are right. I don't think I am working my way to the state hospital, and I sure as hell do not want to be there. Although...as bad as it is, I had no responsibilities, I was away from everyone and actually felt peaceful when I could be alone and sleep in peace. I had people to talk to, psychotic as they were, and I have no one here.

I can go in my room though, watch TV anytime and just force myself to cut off communications with my dear family. That would be better than the hospital. Plus, since I do not want to drink, take and overdose and get sick or lie which is what it would take to go there. Just because you are in a crisis, which I was in Jan., does not mean they will take you. The process to get that moment of peace is at a high price, plus I do not want to take that step backwards in my opinion. I guess it might help my disability claim, who knows. But NO, I do not want to go through that.

When I get this angry I either cry or want to be destructive. The drinking was totally no good, surprisingly...lol.

Yes, when I can make myself focus a little bit better, Today, I will start on that brainstorm map. Never heard of that! Anything is worth a try. I will go back in this thread, find it and write it down now too. Thanks for the idea. By the way, what did you mean "scraped out?"

Well, all the guys I ever meet are jerks. EVER. I attribute it a lot to the good old boy attitude of the South. I know there are jerks everywhere, but especially in this area. Redneck idiots that were not raised how to treat a woman.

Last night I talked to a few on the net. They are abundant!

You are also right that the uncontrollables are killing me, and yet everything in my life is pretty much at the whim of what some one else wants to let me do. With no car or money, you pretty much cannot do a damn thing. So add the tragic other people uncontrollables to mine and that equals a miserable life. I want to change it, but I have tried HARD to change it for five years. According to my dear ex husband, everything comes to him so easily because he works hard at it. Trust me, with no college education, he is rich and has a job with free first class trips around the world and always is getting gifts. I think there is some luck involved there.

Thanks again V, and I owe you so much. I never have had this reaction to someone writing me here, but I cry every time. I wish I could do something for you.

KK

I wrote out my brainstorm map!!!