New Member - Same Sorrow- Same Misery

Greetings.

I found this forum by doing a little search and wading through all that the internet has to offer. This forum is alive, or so it seems and for that I am grateful as I could use a little support for at least someone that understands. No one that I am around on a daily basis understands what I go through. Well they try or pretend to think that they know.

Like most of you, I've been borderline most of my life, and at 28 years old that makes it almost three decades. It's funny how diagnoses happen, I was actually diagnosed with Bipolar II first and while dealing with that with my psychiatrist, I came to learn that I also had a personality disorder of the borderline variety. At first I was all like, "Oh yeah, just like Girl, Interrupted! Susanna Kaysen FTW!". Then as I learned more about it, it was like a huge slap in the face. That is why I am so quick to get pissed off. This is why everything is black and white, and my emotions are out of control and most importantly, this is why I am a manipulative little $#%^ sometimes. These were the things that I just did growing up, and now almost thirty, I still do them.

I have a wonderful boyfriend of almost a year and a half and lately things between us have been strained and of course it is the source of my despair and constant pain. You know what I'm talking about...s/he didn't call you like they usually do when they get off work and that means s/he doesn't love you anymore. ABANDONED AGAIN!! Or how about when s/he tells you that they need some more time to do the things that they used to do, you automatically think that its about you and that they want to break up and that they can't possibly love you anymore. If you're like me, you also go as far as to think that at some point s/he are going to hold something against you as a reason to break up with you.

Ahhh, the Borderline mind, my mind. The same mind that is convincing me that it would be eternally better not to exist, then to exist in this constant state of turmoil and pain. The pain is what is killing me. That deep in your chest, throbbing, biting pain that wont let the f*ck go. My first instinct is to self-medicate. I used to drink quite a bit and I'm sure that I could pick that up again real quick. So easy to have a glass or two or three of wine and fall into a blissful state of numbness. I haven't had a drink in over six months, I quit smoking and now am so straight that I don't even like me. I haven't even touched the xanax or anything else that I have that would put me under for a while. Glutton for punishment or trying to get out of the murkiness of my condition?

So I'm researching and I bought Rachel Reiland's memoir to read. Perhaps it will give me a sense of belonging and hope. I wont pick up the sharp objects and drag them across my skin. Instead I will try to do something that will get rid of that pain that feeling of sorrow and misery.

~ D.

Wowza, D, you're an amazing writer.

Then as I learned more about it, it was like a huge slap in the face. That is why I am so quick to get pissed off. This is why everything is black and white, and my emotions are out of control and most importantly, this is why I am a manipulative little $#%^ sometimes. These were the things that I just did growing up, and now almost thirty, I still do them.

Does this knowledge give you a sense of empowerment? It's like you've found the key.

velouria wrote:Wowza, D, you're an amazing writer.

Does this knowledge give you a sense of empowerment? It's like you've found the key.

Thanks for the compliment Velouria. Writing is my passion.

I think that my empowerment came a couple of weeks ago when I was visiting my mom and my sister. I really don't see either of them that often, and to be honest they don't know about my BPD diagnosis, just the bipolar. I saw my mom doing and saying things that were the mirror image of my speech and actions so it was not only a huge relief to know where it came from, but it was eye opening to be on the receiving end of the behaviour. How often do we get that reality check? How often do we honestly get to experience life as a non for that one brief moment? It doesn't happen all that often, but when it does, it really is scary and it makes you not want to be like that. In the end its all "genetic". I learned how to be Borderline from my Mom whom learned it from my grandma and so on. I suppose its a good thing I'm not having children eh?

As for the key...if I found it, I wouldn't be here. I'm taking my recovery one day at a time. It quite possibly just got started seriously last night when I wrote my first post here.

~ D.

Then congratulations are in order.

Edited to add:

As for the key...if I found it, I wouldn't be here.

It seems as though you've found it and are just now learning to use it. So the next chapter begins...

I cannot get over how well you describe everything. One of my best friends has BPD and I've known him for some years now.

disposabledarling wrote:s/he didn't call you like they usually do when they get off work and that means s/he doesn't love you anymore. ABANDONED AGAIN!! Or how about when s/he tells you that they need some more time to do the things that they used to do, you automatically think that its about you and that they want to break up and that they can't possibly love you anymore. If you're like me, you also go as far as to think that at some point s/he are going to hold something against you as a reason to break up with you.

This has to be common because I have done this in the same and different forms but don't have BPD.

Perhaps you just need a little differentiation between things that arise from BPD and regular processing?
I'm just shooting suggestions, what do you think?

Edited to add:

As for the key...if I found it, I wouldn't be here.

It seems as though you've found it and are just now learning to use it. So the next chapter begins...[/quote]


It's the just learning to use it part that has to be the most annoying. I know that it is there, and I know how to use it, but unfortunately old habits die hard and I find myself falling into cycles of behaviour that I've been using all my life. It's not all hopeless though. Last night I made a very #######5 decision and one that was quite manipulative and I turned it around and fixed it and tried to let all of those feelings that I know were just the illness go. It worked very well and I'm very proud of myself.

I suppose sometimes its just the small victories.

~ D.

ultracasual wrote:I cannot get over how well you describe everything. One of my best friends has BPD and I've known him for some years now.

disposabledarling wrote:s/he didn't call you like they usually do when they get off work and that means s/he doesn't love you anymore. ABANDONED AGAIN!! Or how about when s/he tells you that they need some more time to do the things that they used to do, you automatically think that its about you and that they want to break up and that they can't possibly love you anymore. If you're like me, you also go as far as to think that at some point s/he are going to hold something against you as a reason to break up with you.

This has to be common because I have done this in the same and different forms but don't have BPD.

Perhaps you just need a little differentiation between things that arise from BPD and regular processing?
I'm just shooting suggestions, what do you think?

I'm pretty sure that anyone that suffers from BPD or hell even low self-esteem could use that differentiation between what is so-called "real" and what is self-induced "fantasy." Unfortunately with people like me it is really hard to make that distinction sometimes. I can usually tell the difference in those feelings in myself, but I am so impulsive sometimes that I just go ahead and act on those feelings that should quite literally be thrown away. I wish that simply knowing the distinction did anything more than just acknowledge the distinction. Does that make any sense?

~ D.

disposabledarling wrote:I wish that simply knowing the distinction did anything more than just acknowledge the distinction. Does that make any sense?

It makes sense to me. I am quite aware of what I have, but it only makes me frustrated a lot because knowing doesn't make the feelings go away, and the feelings are what kill me. =\

I'm pretty sure that anyone that suffers from BPD or hell even low self-esteem could use that differentiation between what is so-called "real" and what is self-induced "fantasy." Unfortunately with people like me it is really hard to make that distinction sometimes. I can usually tell the difference in those feelings in myself, but I am so impulsive sometimes that I just go ahead and act on those feelings that should quite literally be thrown away. I wish that simply knowing the distinction did anything more than just acknowledge the distinction. Does that make any sense?

I think it's more complex than just reality/fantasy. Certainly that is part of it. But some of it is real - it's just a matter of degree or whether its related to the actual moment at hand and, therefore, how the resultant behavior rolls out as a result of the trigger. I think one of the most important goals in therapy is to gain the clarity to know whether a wrong is actually a wrong, to rationally determine whether it is applicable to the moment at hand, and to communicate what is going on in a rational way. And there are steps to this that I'm sure you are learning or are going to learn in therapy.

A lot has to do with behavior modification and a lot has to do with healing from past traumas and a lot has to do with knowing and protecting our core. Nons, like me, can take a page from this, as well. We all operate from our core but if we're not in touch with it or if it's shadowed by history, the behavior modification might not ever "stick." Our ability to determine whether we are wronged or not is handicapped. Because sometimes we are wronged and it's equally important to know this just as it's important to know whether we are blowing things out of proportion.

And the same goes in the opposite direction. If we don't work to modify our behaviors and realize the rewards of healthy engagement, our core may never get the chance to shine. I reckon the goal is to meld the core and the behavior so that when we're in the moment, we know what to do in a healthy way.

Granted, I'm no therapist. Just a lady with a lot of work to do.

disposabledarling wrote:I'm pretty sure that anyone that suffers from BPD or hell even low self-esteem could use that differentiation between what is so-called "real" and what is self-induced "fantasy." Unfortunately with people like me it is really hard to make that distinction sometimes. I can usually tell the difference in those feelings in myself, but I am so impulsive sometimes that I just go ahead and act on those feelings that should quite literally be thrown away. I wish that simply knowing the distinction did anything more than just acknowledge the distinction. Does that make any sense?

~ D.

I'm very intrigued, the impulsiveness is hard for me to understand - and I'm sure it is for you as well. It sounds like an unsatisfied thirst as you keep drinking...then question why you you're thirsty and drink more anyway.
There's possibly be some loose links in the chains of thought with someone with BPD because of this. In my friend for example, I wouldn't be surprised if it had to do with the moment he questions his actions that really sparks the internal issues he has in the first place.

The manipulation aspect in him probably comes from that as well.

He calls me claiming he's in Russia and I know that isn't true. He knows it as well but imposes as if it is true to see if I believe his delusion. Possibly in a personal experiment to reassure himself that his thoughts about him in some aspects may be true if I'm able to believe his lie.
Now here's where things get really interesting. I acted as if I was completely jealous, in awe- and 100% believed him. After his "trip" he was overly nice to me, wanting to take me out to eat, all kinds of hospitality. He most likely felt bad for thinking he got me to believe a lie.
The same thing he probably eats himself alive for questioning his beliefs.

From what I observed, there is a lot of avoidance with my friend. It could be a multitude of things but his main focus seemed to be strength. And when people, for the most part, emphasis on something like strength it means they're either afraid of being weak or are over exaggerating self-confidence to achieve emotional satisfaction. The feeling of "weakness" possibly derives from the impulsitivity in my friend.
When it comes to the human mind you only know what you've learned. To create "Fantasy" you string together what you know. How you do that is creativity. There is no "real" so-to-speak because that has to already exist in the first place somewhere in your mind. A life is not different than other people because who they are- it's different because what they've learned. Possibly your mind has an active creativeness to it that not everyone has with no current control over it and that is what invokes feelings that cause compulsiveness.

What do you think?