Struggling to know what to do.

I would appreciate any feedback on this situation. I'll try to make a long story short.

This man came on very very strong to me over a year ago now. Introduced me to his dad the first time we went out, pursued enthusiastically, begged for more of my company etc. When we started sleeping together he told me that he had had a vasectomy years before so we did not need to worry about getting pregnant. I have to say that his affection, physically, felt real. You can tell if there is none there. I had seen clearly after a few weeks that despite a strong attraction there was no hope of a stable, healthy relationship; he drank heavily to the point of hospitalising himself, told me stories about falling/ jumping (not quite clear) out of his window and knocking himself unconscious as well as other dangerous behaviours, exhibited clear body language linked to a controlling personality type; insisting on taking my hand crossing the road, 'closing me off' when sitting in company and monopolising me, grabbing throat (lightly enough to be playful but still...) during sex. He loosened his grip fast when I tensed, and must have been just testing. He also told me he had been in prison in his late adolescent period, but would not tell me why. Now it wasn't even on the radar, but when I felt pregnant I did a test. I had, by the dates, got pregnant the first time we had unprotected sex, and was about a month along.

He told me he was 'not up for this', we were not in a relationship (as if it was a given that I would fall at his feet), he could offer me and the baby nothing, he did not want more children (he has a son by a previous relationship who lives in this city and whose mum will not allow any access whatsoever to her or the child), and in the same breath that he would support me whether I kept the baby or not. I later found out that he went off and slept with his ex that same night while I howled in sleepless anguish. He also told his friend that I was pregnant and he was frightened I wouldn't keep the baby. I asked him to get a sperm analysis done, and he did not contact me again. When I did he said the results showed a trace (unusual terminology and would have still meant he was pretty much technically infertile) and swore bitterly at me.

Long story short I saw him maybe four or five more times through the pregnancy. At first he wanted to drag me into bed (more dishonesty; details would take too long), then acted totally insane, asking to meet my precious family then texting (always the texts) to say he would only be there if he didn't have a hangover. He told me that he wasn't sleeping with other people but that if there were any other women I would have higher status anyway as the mother of his child. Needless to say, I tired fast and told him we should stop sleeping together ("I assumed you'd stay...") I also asked him to give me peace as I was emotionally traumatised by the whole thing and had to protect myself and the baby. I felt all along that he would have been happy to jump into an intense, volatile and totally dysfunctional relationship had I simple fallen at his feet as expected. I am not prepared to deal with that sort of relationship. Life is too short. I think he may have resented this, maybe still does, but I was just trying to do the best thing for the baby and everyone's mental health.

I did not have enough trust to have him in the room for the birth. I allowed him to wait outside and greet his newborn son. He held the baby, changed nappies like he was born for the task, displayed a reassuring paternal vigilance (protective), photographed him from every angle, but behaved as if I was not even present. I did not feel a shred of affection from him. When I couldn't hold back the tears he left in a hurry. I allowed him to visit the baby (he had not been a visitor in my home before as the jury was still out on his character and I have another daughter who I need to keep safe), opened the doors to him, welcomed him without prejudice (I'm a grown up; I wouldn't drop the whole person just because we weren't 'on' sexually), patiently showed him how to feed my baby, bathe without tears etc. I was full of joy and celebration. After a week he snarled at me without any provocation that he was here to see 'his son', not me, and that I didn't even come into the equation. That stung a week after a C-section. It was just so unnecessary. He refused to help with the lightest of household tasks during my recovery, instead criticising the most ridiculous insignificant aspects of my (post-op) housekeeping and telling me it was my responsibility. I had decided to keep the baby, so this was my doing and I was to 'lap it up'.

Long story short, I threw him out the house at 2am in a storm on Sunday evening. He had been ignoring my phone calls again, which is one thing, but he would then try to insist that his phone had been out of charge. He played this trick on me when I was first pregnant and waiting for the results of a sperm count and a cystic fibrosis test that he promised and then point blank refused to produce saying he didn't want a paper trail (again I'm going through hell of course). He has continued to do exactly nothing for the child, but expects to turn up twice a week and parade him around. It's the habitual and compulsive lying that bothers me so badly. He'd said he couldn't come see my son because his friends were throwing him a big party and he wouldn't even be in the city. Then I ran into him in the street with a mutual friend of ours and a frightened looking girl who he completely ignored and turned his back on to present me with his most charming self close up. Sunday evening that same friend cornered me and asked if I'd met his girlfriend. This was the 'girlfriend' (although I very much doubt he claims her as such). Now, we're not in a relationship (I sense he has more trouble with this than I do), but if he wanted to conceal the truth (why? That's what you do when you're committed to someone and cheating) he didn't need to make up such an elaborate lie. He could just have said 'I'm meeting a friend'. It's the compulsive deception that is chilling. I have been nothing but respectful to him and he is publicly trying to make a fool of me. He has tried to warn me to stay away from mutual friends. He likes to present a super moralistic and upstanding front and I think just with honesty I might rain on his parade.

I think in my teens I would have fulfilled criteria for BPD, and that time was hellish. I remember how it felt and my own total confusion and inability to control it, plus the hellish loneliness. I remember not wanting to get involved with people because I couldn't let anyone too close to see how awful I was. I would love to be able to help, but I can't be taken the piss out of and have terrifying behaviour in front of the children. I don't know what to think because if he is compulsively dishonest it calls everything into question. I'd appreciate any insight. I would have abandoned long ago if not for the baby. He has another child from a previous relationship who he has been allowed no access whatsoever to for years. I don't know what to do. Since the baby was born I've seen two burns; one small on his arm that he called to my attention and asked for aloe for, but the next one was more severe. The last time I had to say that I did not have the energy for his type of help and could he give me a couple of days peace, he reappeared with a whole hand bandaged. I didn't give it too much attention, being a little suspicious, but when I asked later he said he'd 'welded a pot' to it.

Questions; I'm not barking up the wrong tree, am I? This walks and talks like BPD shaped issues.

I think he is probably in great spiritual suffering. I would help if I could, but I cannot see myself and the kids eaten alive in the process. How could I approach him? I suspect he may have been 'talked to' at some point over this; he has used the phrase 'walking on eggshells' a couple of times (no, I've not read the book). I can only imagine that he would explode with rage if I even tickled the topic of his mental health. I'm not quite ready to write this guy off completely, but I'm not falling into a co-dependent trap either.

Sorry for the essay. The situation is teetering on the brink of tragedy at the moment, for him more than for me.

Well, you sort of have to remain in contact because he is the father of your child. He has financial obligations. I'm not going to rally around the emotional obligation part because that might not be the most prudent approach for your child's own mental health. That part is up to you. In any case, any contact you have with him should be limited to the business at hand and most preferably it should be monitored by an attorney.

This...

This man came on very very strong to me over a year ago now. Introduced me to his dad the first time we went out, pursued enthusiastically, begged for more of my company etc. When we started sleeping together he told me that he had had a vasectomy years before so we did not need to worry about getting pregnant. I have to say that his affection, physically, felt real. You can tell if there is none there. I had seen clearly after a few weeks that despite a strong attraction there was no hope of a stable, healthy relationship; he drank heavily to the point of hospitalising himself, told me stories about falling/ jumping (not quite clear) out of his window and knocking himself unconscious as well as other dangerous behaviours, exhibited clear body language linked to a controlling personality type; insisting on taking my hand crossing the road, 'closing me off' when sitting in company and monopolising me, grabbing throat (lightly enough to be playful but still...) during sex. He loosened his grip fast when I tensed, and must have been just testing. He also told me he had been in prison in his late adolescent period, but would not tell me why. Now it wasn't even on the radar, but when I felt pregnant I did a test. I had, by the dates, got pregnant the first time we had unprotected sex, and was about a month along.

Please explore why you got involved with this man and had unprotected sex with him. We can't turn back the clock but for your own health and stability for the future, this is important information for you to explore within yourself.

Behaviorally it appears he's disordered but there's no way of knowing which flavor he falls under without a proper dx. It seems BPD is a catch-all du jour. He could be much worse,too.

Right now your focus must be on you and your child. Anything or anyone posing a threat to your and your child's happiness and well-being must be eradicated. Sounds harsh but you already have a full enough plate as it is and your kid deserves nothing less than a 110% healthy environment.

Thankyou for your reply. I will be doing a bit of soul searching as the dust settles, but he seemed like a perfect gentleman in the early days, and we had discussed risks and recent testing at the same time as contraception. Would I turn back time? Well, my son is beautiful and I am fine. I think he is the one who will suffer most here. Since he had not wanted to leave a paper trail I assumed he would not want his name on the birth certificate and registered the birth without him. This was a precautionary measure as I would rather sit here without a penny from his father and know my baby is safe than risk my son's safety; if a father is registered on the birth certificate here and he removes the baby to his home there is apparently no basis in law for the child to be removed back to mum, and that's not a situation I was wiling to deal with.

This is not a guy who comes across immediately as unstable or dangerous. He made very good first impressions on senior family members and good friends of his I have met seem like lovely gentle people who will trust him with their kids. I also thought that if he was a malicious con man he would have been unlikely to drag his dad to meet us all and furnish us with contact details etc. I noticed that he is very snappy with his dad. He can be curt with anyone, but I think only those who are really close and don't simply play the game and bolster his self image get the full brunt of his rage.

At the moment you're so right. I need him out, gone, away, while I get on with the joys of parenting. I really hate to give up on him entirely and 'completely ostracise' him as he informed me everyone else has done (w/r to women and romantic relationships), but I am nobody's martyr.

Good on you, Halle. Keep up the great work.