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Hi guys,

I signed up to read about other peoples experiences, dilemmas and solutions. I am 30 years old and have been aware of my dilemma since late teens. Throughout life I have worked on it, and I have got it rather far. I used to be borderline with paranoia and extremely low self esteem. I was abused at an early age physically, sexually and emotionally where both of my parents tried to kill me for different reasons. However what was my fall was also a bit of my rescue, due to be at least somewhat smart, I realized rather quickly that addiction runs in genetics so to this day (30 years old) i have not been drunk nor ever tried drugs, I did do other risky behaviors as sexual promiscuity, hitchhiking cross country for 6 months, working as a bouncer, dealing with aggressive dogs, etc. The challenge in the two last ones giving me a heck of an adrenaline kick (that and I do love dogs and love to fight for the ones that are misunderstood) but I am also aware of that rescuing dogs makes me feel that I matter to them which makes me feel like I change at least someones life which gives me a self value. When I was little the family dog took many beatings my father had intended for me, I feel I owe them something. However, throughout the years I developed severe paranoia and abandonment issues, I am not the most extreme case in the book and are def rather independent.

I have had many failed relationships, but by having them, each time it fails, I have learned to not blame myself, and see things more balanced. It might sound funny but my bad promiscuous behavior at least lead to something good, to see, learn and understand people I have studied a lot of psychology on my own and have realized that most people lie big or small one thing or another, everyone fails sometimes and there's nothing like perfect people. However when I was younger (and still do) I had some severe issues when anything like that happened. It would create severe anxiety in me and still do to this day, however I now fight it and try to work with it.

So now to the dilemma.. as long as a bf that I am with is honest with me on good and bad, even things I don't like, I am calm and collected and can discuss things through. It took me years to learn to forgive and work on things and have patience with it that now I almost have it a bit too much and as one of my mother role models tells me: You have to stop letting people use you as a doormat. I was so bad at compromising when I was younger that I am sometimes going overboard trying to make sure I am not being egotistical but now I don't get my needs (that are legit) meet instead, example I want a quality day time of the week nothing big just a movie, or go fishing, trailing something like that I hate to sit indoors but we only been out 3 times in 7 months. Christ I am happy just going to the petstore..

My bf now of almost 7 months, we had the first 5 months were great, he has a weed addiction but don't drink and he has def slowed down on the weed, instead of being high 24/7 he only takes a couple a hits a day like a beer or two (he will have to quit totally eventually) but for 7 months he has done great progress and I am proud of him. Problem is he is stuck in the mind of a young man and an addict (highly egocentric and lazy). I am low maintenance on everything but physical contact and its been 3 dates in 7 months but we live together. I never had any jealousy issues, I for ONCE fully trusted someone (I have known him for a while but usually I suffer from paranoia about getting lied to and hurt), so when he lied to me about a girl I was lighting struck.
The lie wasn't the biggest thing in the book, the thing was he has always left his facebook logged on, one time a girl sent him a friends rq, the typical butt up in the air picture, see through shirt, give me attention kinda picture (I know cause I have been that girl), and he's the type of guy that barely likes another guy looking at me but he don't make a stink out of it. He just wraps his arms around me which I like, I think its cute. So I was well it's a two way street, and if this isnt one of your old high school friends there's no reason talking to her. Instead of here telling me: well I might just not remember her I am just gonna send a message asking he was yeah u right and denied the friends request. After that he started logging out of facebook and I found it odd, one day I tried a password he uses somewhere else and I got logged on and low and behold I found messages between him and the girl. Now he didnt say nothing bad, no flirting or anything, but just the fact that he went behind my back set me off. I am still 99.9% sure he would NEVER cheat on me which is why I am still with him, cause he just don't think of consequences of his action. If he wants to do something within certain limits even though I am not comfortable with it, he does it. Now after that since I have all my life battled paranoia, mistrust and fear of course all hell was let loose. I was still reasonable talking to him, but I def turned more controlling (of which I HATE in myself) I want to be the easy going relaxed person I am when I am not in a relationship and that I am when someone is being honest to me.

Then I caught him in little lies, he'd tell me he hadn't been smoking but i could tell he had, now that I expected, addicts will lie about the amount, when, where etc that is a work in progress, however together with the other lie it just added on and fueled my fears. Then we had that he'd be lazy and promise me things and it would not be done or carried through now this is my biggest pet peeve cause that is how my father broke my heart as a child (and we are talking that one thing was to give me a weekend of fun since I havent got one in months despite promises and the other one was finishing a 2 hour paintjobb that took him 12 weeks to finish). So it has caused issues, and I have had to put my foot down about things more than once to just get little things or errands done. He gets irritable at me, but usually comes around cause he knows its him. Now I have two male friends one ex and one friend of who has romantic interest in me, he don't like them talking to me cause he knows they are both fishing, which I can totally understand. However he is the one who has lied not me, I even told him straight to his face Ill cheat on you if you treat me bad, and my ex sent him a message saying he'd drive here in a heartbeat if I asked him to. I have become brutally honest cause that I am tired of lies, so there won't be much I wont say to someones face. Then a couple of nights ago, he Im"ed someone, my paranoia stuck up its head and I was: who was that? he goes oh I just Im;ed my sisters friend downstairs..... (the kicker was they just left the house 3minutes earlier when we walked in) the second after eh says that he sends another IM..

I dig the IM:s up and he had sent to an ex ###$ buddy of his, don't IM me back, but here's my number. which of course made me angry.. After the first bout of lies I have become jealous not crazy but enough, its all about the trust, so he had been avoiding female friends and instead of telling me I want to check up on this girl he lied about it. SO I broke up, the night after I discover a full on sex conversation with her on the IM and Im like wtf! It was hurtful but I was more sad without than with him despite he hurt me and I know that I had broken up so technically he didn't do anything wrong. Granted though I feel that he should have come an apologized and try to make up for it. We made up on Saturday, had a great Sunday and all and we agreed to cut bad elements out and work on the trust. I cut out my two male friends and he had that girl and another that had to go. My two friends perfectly understood, but he got me angry today again, instead of sending his friend a message explaining that he screwed up and have to regain my trust again, he was oh the girl is snoopy, she found the conversation and now dont want us to talk no more when in the bottom line the picture is so much bigger than that. The reason I found out, when I asked him if he sent her a message explaining why he removed her he said yeah.. I asked to read it (cause he always portrait me in bad light and put the blame on me which is hard with my poor self esteem I have worked years to stand up for myself) and he said oh I deleted it.. however he left facebook on and she sent a message this morning and I read it and I saw what he said.. So when he came up I told him I am sending her a message, and I explained to her the bouts with the lies, (funny part is she understood me and said that she would probably end up doing the same thing) and I do understand that he is however conditioned from previous relationships (where the women were extremely controlling and if he even spoke to a girl they'd scream). Funny part is, as I told him, BEFORE you lied were I ever even slightly jealous and he goes no, and yet he keeps on lying instead of realizing be straight with me and there is no issues. Another thing he made me look bad was, he has known me for a year, he knows I do not tolerate drugs much, barely even cigarettes, and yet he wanted to date me, the deal was that he'd quick completely within a couple of years. When he tried to quit and his friend gave him $#%^ for it, he was like: oh it's her fault she wont allow me to, instead of saying: I am dating a girl that don't like it and I am doing this for her (cause then they'd call him pussy etc) so they thought I was a big bitch, and I always try to be nice cause yes it is important for me to be liked. I was bullied for many years and I really try to treat others like I want to be treated.

The problem for me now that each day and each thing is triggering more of the anxiety in me, but I know that most people will fibb and lie so I will always have to deal with my paranoia in different degrees. very often I just assume everyone lies and I have studied a lot of psychology so I can tell better, and I will double check on the people closest to me for that reason.

However, due to the fact that I am so sure he wont cheat on me, I am still holding on, I am trying to deal with the rest of it calmly cause I am hoping that once he sees that if he's straight there's no issues and I am the laid back person I have become after years of training, reading and changing of mindset. Only thing is, the paranoid part of me keeps telling me to run, and I have explained to him that he has to help me regain trust in him and I dont think he can even understand how bad I feel. I am very hurt by it all but I love him deeply and once he stops fibbing about them little things and get his weed habbits under better control and just get the $#%^ done that he says there is no more issues. Just that due to his exes behaviors he treat me like he'd treat them that would make that relationship work and I need to condition him to see ME. Just that since my exes cheated my paranoia tells me oh he will cheat, but when my levelheaded personality is on I know he wont. I just second guess almost everything he says and I dont want to do that either.

Thing is, I have not told him one lie, I am trying to be reasonable, but I have a hard time to draw the line of where reasonable is and if I am being too tolerant, or am I being too hard? I have worked so hard to become a balanced individual but the balance is fragile and I am needy (that I admit which I always warn guys about you dont like to be hugged grouped etc dont date me) of physical touch and when I love someone I love them with my whole being.

So right now I am feeling a bit confused, all I want is for him to be totally straight with me about everything, if he wants to blabb with a female friend lets say his friend Alex, and he goes to me (cause yeah now he has to kinda give me heads up cause I have become sensitive) Im just gonna hit her up and see how she's doing since she's pregnant I would feel like oh ok, say hi. I meet her once and she's nice. And once he regains my trust he can do what he always did he blabbed with any of them girls (he has mostly female friends), I wouldnt know who or when, and honestly I didnt care cause i trusted him to no end. And I want it to go there again I really do, the weed $#%^ I can deal with for a while more he will eventually grow out of it. The responsible part of him will hopefully improve with age and less weed and I can deal with that too just that cause of the little lies I am not sensitive to everything and are going back into full blast BPD with anxiety, expecting perfection in execution, I nitpick, looking for errors and flaws. I try not to but the anxiety has starting the pushing away process I think you all know what I mean. all my tricks and thoughts is barely helping me now, and a part of me wonders if I just should leave him and find someone more adult that don't do them little lies or weed at all that is more on my level of those opinions, but due to knowing that so many people cheat I feel I rather hold on to him cause at least he won't do that $#%^ (if he did I would probably believe the world would end 2012 too).

Can someone please give some good thoughts, has anyone been through the same? Have I been too demanding? (I know I am heading there now but from the getgo). I just want him to be honest, even if it's bad news, how can I get through his thick skull how can I explain to him how I suffer? What's little to him is rather big to me *sighs* and I dont want to scare him off cause I am no longer remotely like I was. with honesty I have become very easy going and very stable, after so many years of bad self esteem I am rather proud of how far I have come in to handle my disorder. I just want this to work out. Any thoughts are appreciated.

CAn I have the freedom to be as blunt and honest as I want to be here? Having read your post, I have to say that a future between you and this guy does'nt seem promising. As I read more and more, your anger seemed to increase progressively (through the tone of language you used and the sense of frustration). You have ben through enough already to waste time on a chap like him who is - as you yourself admit - a liar and potential cheat. He seems to have no respect for your emotions and what you have had to battle through in life. Also, I agree with you that 'everyone' lies, but in a relationship, lies of the nature he uses are not healthy. They - and he in general - are eroding your morale.

I have not been through exactly what you have. I dated a girl previously who was promiscuous to the extreme and who did not respect me either. I should have @!@@@! her aside when I had the chance, but I was a foolish and stuck with her.

You made a great point earlier when you implied how we learn from harsh experiences. We most certainly DO learn from them... they give us wisdom trhat we can them impart to others. If you think about this, what would you believe your future self would say to your current self if she could send a message back in time...?

I think I can sum it all up with this: You don't deserve the $#%^ you're getting from him; and you're right to feel proud of what you have achieved in life so far. Many would argue that you're far above this guy in all kinds of sense.

Kevin

I truly do appreciate your honesty, once I learned to get past being sensitive and stop looking for why a person dislike me and take stuff for face value, I prefer blunt honesty instead of beating around the bush. It makes me much more comfortable since lies even small ones trigger my paranoia.

and yes I am above him, that I am aware of, I am also older than him and I am starting to realise that he has a set of issues of his own. He has a highly addictive personality cause he's not only addicted to weed but also to masturbation. However, I have to say I don't think he will cheat, he has only been with 8 girls in his life, where several of them have been minimum of 2 years and the longest 4 years. Only 3 of them were one night stands, he dont drink either just like me. Chances are I will eventually walk out, I just belive in giving chances. I have got quite a few I did not deserve when I was younger, granted I had problems controlling my behaviors but I still hurt people but without them doing that emotional sacrifise I would not be as whole as I am today so its a part of my repaying too.

He has been unusually good though, I know the change wont be permanent yet, but he did put in an effort this week he really did. Of which I am very happy about, it don't take much to make me happy, just hug me to peices and reassure me I am your everything and I am all smiles. No I dont deserve the crap he did, I dont deserve the lies, but no person is perfect, the difference is I see him trying, I see him do efforts, I see him fail, and I see him get back up again trying some more. My gut instinct tells me that once he reaches the person he wants to be, he will be almost perfect for me question is if he gets there before I give up and usually I am not too patient. I have come to the state in my life where I want the last peices of the puzzle, to have someone to rely on, or just be by myself but I want the stability of either situation. I want to go back to school and finish what I started, get the last part in order so I can truly start living my life. It feels like it's been on pause for too long if that makes any sence.


Knowing myself though I am rather sure that I will give him some more time, I honestly dont think he will do anymore stupid things with any female friend again. Cause again except for the two days we were broken up where he did wrong he technically didnt do anything wrong. I also suspect it was attention seeking behavior to reassure himself of that someone wanting him after me rejecting him. His self value is low. But just as I know that I never really meant to hurt I doubt he does either. I am sure his heart is genuinly golden despite what he has done if the thought process makes any sence. Also I suffer from bad paranoia with my bpd, and despite everything that has been done I still have a hard time to belive he would cheat, there's a slight chance but I am not too worried about it in comparasion how I usually am with people. My gut feeling is calm and that is RARE for me. More often than not one lie is all it takes for me to run for the hills.

I am still feeling a little bit lost, but I dont think you will ever evade that feeling out of the pure reason that we all are independent thinking individuals most with issues. However I will try to work with him some more, if it don't work at least I have then saved up money and have a buffert and a stable start alone. Either I win in one way or it is a win win.

hmm, I can understand that you're at the stage of your life where you're looking for the 'last pieces of the puzzle', but just don't take second-best if the best is still out there. Don't fall into the trap of forever forgiving him too, and then realising that you're too 'beaten-up' / scared inside to leave him. He can have chances indeed, but they run out eventually. You should also think about the possibility that if you both stay together, he might feel as if he has gotten awaay with the way he has treated you. Like a kid he never gets punished, he might just end-up doing it again later-on down the line.

Sorry to be the voice of sheer negativity, but I'm just tired of people getting messed around inrelationships (as I see is happening to you).

Kevin

ThinkingTooMuch, you think too much and spend too much time on Facebook. Facebook is evil. Walk away, your life will improve slightly without it.

f mae I agree facebook is evil, I am not there much to be honest, I just post pictures so my family can see. they live far away from me. That is mostly what i used it for.

and Kevin he did all the things over again just as quick as you can say banana. We broke up last night, it was mutual cause he was tired of my irritation and treating him like a child. Ah well maybe cause he IS a child. A part of me is sad cause I love him, with all his flaws, but he's not healthy for me and I do recognize that. Would I love for him to turn around and grow up all of a sudden and apologize yeah of course but I know that chance is slim to none. he admitted last night that his feelings for me were gone. I just pointed out how funny it was that they disappeared cause of my emotional response to his lies.. It just makes me shake my head.. next time my tummy tells me this guy is no good I aint gonna fall for it no matter how sweet and cute they are. I was ignoring this guy for a year should have kept it at that.

It is what it is, tonight I am gonna watch a movie with a friend and have a small dinner, its going to be nice with some grown up talk.