BPD, BP or Schizophrenia? Pls help, confused :S

hi guys. this is my first post. i've been in and out of hospitals and psychiatrists for the past four years now (i'm 25, female) and have received a multiple array of diagnosises. i'm extremely confused right now and don't know where to turn to support or for understanding (my family don't want to have anything to do with me). one of them has been BPD and i was wondering i could describe my symptoms if anyone here with BPD or with experience of could tell me if if i sound like you?? (even though i know everyone's different, etc)

here is my history first:

first went to hospital when i was 20 for trying to commit suicide seriously. f*cked it up and ended up seeing a psych for a while and being diagnosed with depression. except i didn't stay depressed for long - lots of bouts of manic behaviour, tears, rage, substance abuse, and occaisional hallucinations (i didn't know at the time what they were) I left the doc after 5 months and went out back into the world, flitting from partner to partner and finding one stable one for 5 years (considerably older than me) Was quite happy for a while, but was constantly told that i was wild, impulsive and childish while being overtly sexual at the same time (?) - also flitting from one project or personality to the other. told this by my parents too and reacted badly. i've always wanted to be a secure, calm person and was convinced i was and hated hearing otherwise.

i ended up leaving my partner for a reason i can't even remember and almost becoming suicidal again because i was alone, and moved to another state. entered a long cycle of high and low moods, undertaking lots of creative projects and holding a number of jobs but i would often leave them or get friends to call in sick for me because of sudden fears of going in, and a strange childish urge to stay indoors and read books and not be surrounded by scary older people. yet whenever i was working, or out i seemed the life of the party and hooked up regularly. life was and still is a constant contradiction where i get told i'm attractive, wild, driven but on the inside i feel like broken glass - one day on top of the world and the other day completely removed from the situation; akward, unlikeable and strange. i constantly change the way i talk and come across to people and i have no idea why i do it - i would love to be able to be consistent but i feel myself changing to suit everyone and every situation like butter. i do it with partners too; again, unintentionally. i am so eager to be with someone who understands me and strangely blessed with powers of empathy (that is genuine) that guys quickly tell me i'm incredibly understanding and amazing, etc, but when i'm with them, i can go from loving them more than anything in the world to finding even the sound of their voice irritating, and i'm not interested in what they're saying one bit (but i hide it). i lie constantly about things without meaning to (i dont know how the hell i manage this) and am constantly inventing things that have happened in the past to be - big things that have turned my family away from me. i'm sure i don't do it to get attention - it's almost like i believe it to be true and my history gets pasted over with my newly invented 'versions' but i know it's messed up whatever my reason.

i got diagnosed with BPD my second time i self harmed (and then tried to tie myself to a set of train tracks to end the agony) but again, i left the doctors because i thought he was reading my mind and didn't like him. then i moved state again and started getting some scary hallucinations and voices. some so severe i'd wander around at night trying to follow them. i wound up in hospital again and got diagnosed with schizophrenia after a long period of seeing a psychiatrist, but they became confused when i reported my constant mood changes and changed the diagnosis to schizo-affective disorder. now here's the weird thing. i still hear the voices, etc, but i don't actually know if i'm inventing them or if i'm actually hearing them. i cant work it out! my old psych must have picked up on it, because she asked a family member if they thought i was making it all up. i reacted badly, of course, thinking i was being accused of lying, but to be perfectly honest, i have a weird ability to believe that symptoms are true if i want them to be. and i have a huge imagination. i honestly don't know if i'm hearing stuff or if it's my own thoughts. i do get extremely paranoid and have stayed up for nights trying to decode train signals but i dont know if that's just me being weird or not.

now i'm in a strange limbo where i dont know if i have a form of sz, bipolar or BPD or if i transcend all these classifications altogether, or if i'm just a messed up kid with 'nothing'. my new doc won't tell me anything and i've started hated going there. i dont want to be taking the anti psychotics im on now if i don't need them but i'm scared that if i am getting real psychotic symptoms, i'll lapse back. this week has been hard - i've had crying spells, multiple fights with my boyfriend and wanting to leave him while i know i love him very much and general stupid childish behavior i know i'm better than. i have tried looking up CBT online to help myself but it's hard because i dont know what exactltly i should be looking for.

what else?? i've been involved in lots of pretty violent fights, even though i'm a girl - both reacting strongly to other people and seeking them out myself. done lots of drugs and been involved in dangerous situations because of it, mostly because i wanted to find something to calm my head down (it feels like i've got three people living in there) But i know im a kind hearted girl underneath. u wouldnt know it though!!

currently i have this thing where my boyfriend talks to me and i can hear him and i love him but the actual sound of him talking infuriates me so much i just want to smack him. that horrifies me because i dont ever want to hit him so i grit my teeth and try to bear it but it's so bad i feel like i'm going to explode. same the the sound of him eating. it gets so physical i just want to die. then i cry for hours because i wanted to hurt him. sometimes i cry so much i think my eyes will fall out and imagine my death, and his death, and scenes that have never happened rolling infront of me like a projector. i dont know what's even real anymore! i get nightmares even when im awake.

i'm sorry to be asking this on a forum (you might be thinking, just tell your psych!) but i do, and they really do not say a single word. i want answers! or are there none? i asked them if i should just stop going if i'm wasting their time but the said no, that i was 'acute' and then lapsed back into vagueness.

i looked online for a BPD criterion and i definately do fit a lot of them but i'm not sure if i 'frantically avoid being alone'. Also no sites on BPD list psychosis (or imagined psychosis??)

what do u think - could i have BPD or is it something else? i am at my wits end - i feel that there is something seriously wrong with me - i cannot seem to lead a normal life and im really scared i will f*** things up with my boyfriend who currently means everything to me. i dont have a job, i'm on disability after a string of hospitalisations and hate going outside now.

thanks for reading.
mm

I have BPD. No hallucinations - visual or aural. Doesn't mean you can't have BPD and something else. Plenty of people do. Can't offer you any good advice, just good wishes.

I can't offer you anything either, but I feel your pain and so much wanted to acknowledge that. I hope someone will come along soon who can guide you in the right direction.... BPD, BP or schizophrenia?? No-one on here can diagnose you, but it sounds like you have many, many problems and I hope that you will find the help you need so badly, and soon!

(((HUGS))))