The "Quiet" Borderline

Nice to see I'm not the only one. People who know me (some better than others) keep saying, but you can't "be" BPD - you don't get angry enough... If only they knew... Was worried it meant that, after getting my BPD diagnosis after all these years, the diagnosis was wrong - I can look at the 9 criteria and see me, but if others' don't is it real? (Or should we not get started on that Q?).

People get to me, relationships get to me, work gets to me, and eventually something gives..yep, that would be me. What little self-image I have goes out of the window and in comes the loathing and anger, although I have only ever shown one person that side, and I'm now no longer with her. What does that say I wonder?

(There's another criteria I think I invert, but that's for another time, or at least thread.) Just want to say thanks, all - just knowing that you're out there makes me feel oddly better, albeit to a small degree.

I too have "quiet" BPD. I was taught as a child that showing anger was inappropriate, thusly whenever I feel angry, I can't GET angry. Instead, depending on the severity of the emotional situation, I end up withdrawing, crying, or having a breakdown.

Sometimes I wish I could get angry, because then I would at least be able to FEEL that emotion completely.

~K

I totally feel angry...
I lose it...
Like a crazy biatch from hades.

SmileXx wrote:I totally feel angry...
I lose it...
Like a crazy biatch from hades.

But are you angry when you are sexy or sexy when you are angry?

Oh, my. It sounds much like me...
I do not get angry. Almost at all. Let's say I get angry maximum once a month, twice a month. And usually, I turn my ager inwards, towards myself. I cut, hit, burn etc (which I do NOT recommend).
I am usually tensed, but 99% of my friends or people I meet daily don't know about that. They consider me the most peaceful and stable person they know. My attitude or feelings towards the people around me don't change quickly or suddenly.
So I am surprised to be diagnosed with BPD. Well, but I am.
I like the term 'Avoidant Borderline'. Yeah, that's me.
I hate crowds, youth camps with hundreds of people around, I need to feel safe to go out with somebody. Oh, my. Yet in the same time, when I know people for a period of time, I feel safe there and keep stable relationships. And I care for the people. Even so much it comes to a point of making me tired and emotionally exhausted.. I like listening to people, yet I also can't stop it in the point where I feel I can't take more.
Does anybody relate?
(btw, I'm so happy 2 find you all... )

f mae wrote:

SmileXx wrote:I totally feel angry...
I lose it...
Like a crazy biatch from hades.

But are you angry when you are sexy or sexy when you are angry?

Neither, really.
I'm not a sexy person.

BlackLily wrote:Oh, my. It sounds much like me...

I hate crowds, youth camps with hundreds of people around, I need to feel safe to go out with somebody. Oh, my. Yet in the same time, when I know people for a period of time, I feel safe there and keep stable relationships. And I care for the people. Even so much it comes to a point of making me tired and emotionally exhausted.. I like listening to people, yet I also can't stop it in the point where I feel I can't take more.
Does anybody relate?
(btw, I'm so happy 2 find you all... )

Um, ever see this scene?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKsVVmOGV9I

That's how I feel when I'm in a crowd, no joke. I was at a Tool concert last month and I was using everything I had to negotiate around the thousands of bubbles that came flying around me (I'm a bubble person). I feel it in my heart and it's difficult to breathe at times. It's an overwhelming feeling. I have a specific anxiety about crowds, always have. Now, I have ways to settle down (once I am seated at the venue, I can calm, relatively), but once I am up and moving again, the asteroid-field chase begins, again, always.

I am on meds now and they are working so I will see how this changes in the future.

I deal with things in a similar way. I can count on my hands the number of times anybodies seen my temper. I don't know why, but at an early age I remember deciding that it was better to hurt myself than others. Probably because of my dad's uncontrolled temper. I wanted to have friends and I associated his outbursts with his not having friends. The irony is that beating myself up all the time helps isolate me from people and when I don't beat myself up or isolate myself I end up doing or saying something I regret for years. Today I messed up the screen on my laptop out of frustration because I mistakenly erased a long email I'd just written. I'm now looking at large black spots and cracks while typing this. So, even if I don't hurt myself physically, I make sure to break something that's either essential or important to me. The last thing I broke was a phone that I loved. Do you ever break things?

I'm glad I saw this thread, I've been confused for a while about the 'inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) ' side of BPD..
I'm totally the opposite, my therapist even said I have anger issues in the sense that I don't get angry at people - I see anger as a very bad thing (instead of a natural, healthy emotion) - When people do things that should make me angry I usually get upset/cry or try to act normal - then I dwell on it over and over and when I'm alone I get so frustrated that there are people like that in the world, and how easy it would be if I was like that too - and I just get so angry at myself for whatever I'm feeling and completely internalize all that frustration and inflict it on myself.

I read this thread and instantly joined this forum! It is so good to find a little clarity on this subject and to find people going through the exact same situation. People see me as this charismatic, confident, bubly young woman with 'so much going for me' . The only reason they could even see this is because I put on such a brilliant front, although this saves my ass most of the time, it is really painful because I will often lose myself in the process.

Majority of social occasions I find myself returning home from to breakdown into deep dysphoria, perhaps I will break down a few days after when I dwell on something invalidating that somebody said to me, sometimes I will be so overwhelmed by these deep feelings of pain and in this situation i will tend to excuse myself and disappear - most of the time returning once i have composed myself. Nobody has ever suspected anything and nobody would ever guess that I suffer from this, infact- if any of these people actually knew what bpd is I would be the last person they would associate it with.

It is remarkable that a human can hide such intense, overbearing emotions so well. I really hate it. People see me as this passive, submissive person - It just makes me feel as though I have no personality, that i am a robot. Then again, If people were to see the real me, without all the inhibitions, I am scared that they would see me as I see myself.