The "Quiet" Borderline

I suffer as what my therapist has called a 'quiet' borderline. I haven't been able to find much information on it anywhere but I was wondering if anyone else suffers the same.

I have always had a problem with expressing rage or feelings in general. Sometimes I feel so angry, but my first thought would always be to hurt MYSELF and to withdraw away from others. I hate confrontation and am terrified to show people when I am angry or sad because I get so scared that they will leave me. I feel things so intensly but I never show it.

I feel so much hate towards myself, I cut often, and when I feel angry I usually curl up in a ball and cry and clamp my hands to my head. It just makes me hate myself, I hate to feel angry or hurt anyone so it all gets turned inwards. But I never act out. People would never really know if I feel angry or depressed because I wait till I'm alone.


Does anyone else suffer this way?

This sounds A LOT like me. I build up a lot of emotion and anger, but I hate confrontation and don't want people to see it. I find it emThis sounds a lot like me. My emotions can become very intense, but instead of lashing out at others I withdraw. My first reaction is to hurt or punish myself. There is a part of me that feels like I’m going to explode at any moment, but I fear confrontation as well. It’s too mortifying to let people see me that way.

I did experience a shift last year where I started hurting or lashing out at a select few people. I’m not sure why or how this happened. Maybe you just give in after so many years of boiling over.

It's an introvertive trait.

I dance between turning everything on myself and turning it on everyone else.
I blame the Bipolar that accompanies my BPD.

Today it's all on myself...
Yesterday it was on everyone else...

At least you're constant, if nothing else.
I'm anything but.

Yeah thats interesting. I'm quite a shy person, but I like being around people.

And there are a select few people- those who I feel closest with- that I really feel I can let it out with. I know that these people understand I will tend to have days where I flit fom being sarcastic and critcal for 10 minutes, to "I hate myself" for another 10 and so on. But not many people get to see this. Around most people I will just clam up and wait till I'm on my own.

Sometimes I feel so unbelievably angry, but my thoughts are ALWAYS on being violent towards myself, never anyone else. But I understand its no less destructive or difficult to those around me.

There is a part of me that feels like I’m going to explode at any moment, but I fear confrontation as well. It’s too mortifying to let people see me that way.

I really understand this. That pretty much sums it up.

I've never heard of this term before, but it fits me exactly. I also hate to express my anger, turning it against myself. I always thought that since people seem to complement me on my positive attitude that if I ever showed them I was angry (over stupid things like I get mad over) then they would hate me. I used to (still do, but less than in the past) cut and burn and binge to try to destroy those feelings. I still sometimes just curl up into a ball and become an unintelligible ball of emotion.

I don't know if you do this, but one of the few positive ways I have of letting my emotions out is writing. I keep a private blog (somewhere I know no one will ever find it or read it). Then I can vent and be cruel and horrible to everyone and thing that makes me angry. It's helped me a lot.

Anyway, if I don't know if I'll be any help, but if you ever want to talk send me a PM or something.

I consider myself avoidant with borderline tendencies. Descriptions of the "quiet" borderline are very close to home for me.

I seem to be an expert at turning all my anger inward, even when being angry at something/someone external is totally justified. When I do express my anger, I explode. But it never feels good to get it out. I feel ashamed and pathetic afterward.

The only way I can deal with anger effectively is to express it in therapy or write about it on these forums or in my journal.

I'm at the point now where I need to get back into the habit of writing letters I'll never send, because the rage monster has been popping out of its box at the dumbest times lately. I'm thisclose to having no friends, again. Having to start from scratch, again. Yet I don't know if I even care.

coda wrote:I always thought that since people seem to complement me on my positive attitude that if I ever showed them I was angry (over stupid things like I get mad over) then they would hate me.

In my experience, this has been true. Well, it's not like people hate me after seeing me angry--it's more like I scare them and they think I'm crazy. Things are never quite the same, so I do everyone a favor and go away. That's why I stifle my anger. Usually, bottling up my anger is easy and automatic. But lately...

I'm not used to flipping out as often as I've been flipping out at people lately. It's been over ten years since I had such a steady wave of "I just couldn't help myself" behavior. (Then as now, it was connected to feeling abandoned/left behind by close friends.) Back then, it took longer to feel bad about lashing out. Now, feeling bad about it is instant.

But as for how I am normally, usually I get mad at myself long before I realize that I'm actually angry at someone else. Then I usually just get more vicious toward myself. I'll never understand why it seems like I most want to kill myself when I'm angry at somebody else!

Sadly, when I let myself get close to people, it is pretty much guaranteed I'll go all supernova on them one day. But I'm working hard to rewire the circuits that lead to that outcome. Therapy is helping.

ShadowTerra wrote:I consider myself avoidant with borderline tendencies. Descriptions of the "quiet" borderline are very close to home for me.

I just call it being an Avoidant Borderline...

I came here as a "non" to complain about my on/off partner, but i am full of passive, inward turned rage and self harm. I wont go into details, but my parents are both crazy, switching from wimpy to agressively raging when i was a kid. my mom would start fights about nothing whenever in a bad mood, then deny it happened later.

SmileXx wrote:

ShadowTerra wrote:I consider myself avoidant with borderline tendencies. Descriptions of the "quiet" borderline are very close to home for me.

I just call it being an Avoidant Borderline...

That works.

In my case, the avoidant part of the equation seems to cause many more day-to-day problems. The borderline traits are more like a relative who shows up unannounced and freeloads from time to time, eats all your good food then has the nerve to criticize your cooking, your decorating preferences, and your life choices. You know you shouldn't let him in, but he's family... (Of course, in real life I hide when the doorbell rings, so this is not an issue.)

My whole personality seems to cause problems for me...
I've just kind of learned to let most of it go...
Makes me apathetic, though... which causes more problems... Ha!