The "Quiet" Borderline

Same quiet BPD'er...anger goes inward to hurting myself..even when I can effectively let it out there is so much it isnt fun...then go back to quiet.

I'm definitely closer to the quiet side of the Borderline spectrum. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say 6-7. I do get these really intense emotions and I do just sit on them. I bottle them up and turn them inward. I'm afraid that if I express an intense negative emotion I'll be invalidated or I'll freak out or hurt someone. Someone says the wrong thing or criticizes me; I get flustered but I just don't say anything. I want to so badly that it hurts. That if I called him an asshole that he'd understand and everything would be better. Or at least i'd feel better. But I don't. I wait patiently for the feeling to subside and move on while feeling like I invalidated myself somehow.

After going to jail a couple times for outbursts and even some violence, I've just conditioned myself that anger = bad. However, sometimes it's just too much. I can only hold in so much, I do break every so often. Once a month, maybe two. You know how you get that feeling like you'd like to cry? That it would make you feel better if you listened to those sad songs you usually avoid, or maybe this really sad movie you haven't seen yet? It feel like that. I feel so much better afterwards. I wish that I could just let myself express anger. I used to be able to. It wasn't always pretty, but at least I didn't feel like a prisoner at every social get together.

I think I kinda teeter totter between the two. On some aspects, I will just let my emotions fester into something ugly, and then just let it out... And others, I will just let it out very quickly. But it kinda depends on the situation and how I am feeling at the moment...

I feel the same. Although I haven't been officially diagnosed, I saw the criteria and it was like a eureka moment for me - they just explained a lot of myself. I'd consider myself fairly quiet with borderline tendencies, like you say, I don't really get angry to other people as I dislike confrontation. However, I do take my anger out on myself ever since I was a little girl I'd be hitting myself after an argument with my mum or something else that was really quite inconsequential. I'd be angry, but I'd never let anyone know and I don't now. I believe there are subcategories for borderline personality disorder, but maybe they aren't widely known or accepted. I'm not sure. But anyway, I think it's possible and could be linked with self-injury, as instead of being angry at someone else, you take it out on yourself.

123bfw3 wrote:I feel the same. Although I haven't been officially diagnosed, I saw the criteria and it was like a eureka moment for me - they just explained a lot of myself. I'd consider myself fairly quiet with borderline tendencies, like you say, I don't really get angry to other people as I dislike confrontation. However, I do take my anger out on myself ever since I was a little girl I'd be hitting myself after an argument with my mum or something else that was really quite inconsequential. I'd be angry, but I'd never let anyone know and I don't now. I believe there are subcategories for borderline personality disorder, but maybe they aren't widely known or accepted. I'm not sure. But anyway, I think it's possible and could be linked with self-injury, as instead of being angry at someone else, you take it out on yourself.

A lot of times, I actually take out my anger on myself... Either through vocally belittling myself, or physically harming myself. And if I do take it out on an other person, then I will just turn off my emotions and just go off on them to the point of tears, or to the point of fists being swung. It's happened before.

Wow. Kudos to you. It takes some courage and rigorous self-honesty to come to the realisation you have without someone else 'diagnosing' you. Good for you, hope you are now able to find ways to deal with it.
Metta

Raz wrote:I came here as a "non" to complain about my on/off partner, but i am full of passive, inward turned rage and self harm. I wont go into details, but my parents are both crazy, switching from wimpy to agressively raging when i was a kid. my mom would start fights about nothing whenever in a bad mood, then deny it happened later.

TK77 wrote:I too have "quiet" BPD. I was taught as a child that showing anger was inappropriate, thusly whenever I feel angry, I can't GET angry. Instead, depending on the severity of the emotional situation, I end up withdrawing, crying, or having a breakdown.

Sometimes I wish I could get angry, because then I would at least be able to FEEL that emotion completely.

~K

This is me. I grew up in a severe, strict, and dysfunctional environment. We were not allowed to show anger, especially toward our parents. And, since they were often the source for my anger, I had to repress it. Very unhealthy situation. As a result, I don't know how to appropriately express anger now as an adult. All my siblings are like this too.

I didn't grow up in a super strict environment, but I grew up with a father who was/is very emotionally repressed (because he had a ###$ up upringing) and made it seem like anyone who showed their emotions was "gay" or "bad", so I grew up emulating his behaviour to gain his approval.
I also had a best friend who verbally abused me and once sent another one of her buddies to tell me to go kill myself because we had a fight. Needless to say, unless I'm SUPER mad, I'm not going to blow up at someone and I certainly won't cry in front of ANYONE, family included.