My Story...Supporting my borderline gf part 1

Chapter 1: I met my Girlfriend 'K' (right now ex girlfriend) in 2008.....she was 12 years my junior, very beautiful and very sweet; she was my dream come true, I was blown away on how this young, beautiful creature could be so interested in me....I was immediately smitten; within a couple months we were going on a vacation together....things were awesome! It's fair to note that I was going through a divorce at the time (still not finished) and it felt good that I found someone that I was absolutely crazy about....

Chapter 2: After some time, I started noticing some things a little amiss...... she would be constantly txting people on her phone, and she started cutting our dates short, or cancelling at the last second; dissapearing for days at a time sometimes without a peep....I saw her completely explode on the phone with 'a friend' over some money that was owed to her; completely LOST IT in a public place.... still, I thought these were her 'quarks' and things weren't perfect, afterall she's young as well and that's normal....her apartment would be spotless one day, that absolutely chaotic disaster the next.... 'K' became ever increasingly erratic....she was missing dates, cancelling all the time, dissapearing for days more frequently, when I'd tell her I've had enough and tell her 'if you don't want to be with me, just tell me and I'll move on...' she wouldtell me it wasnt anything like that, that she loved me, and just got sick a lot...I'm still smitten, but troubled by this strange behaviour, and wondering what happened to the girl I had in the begining....

Chapter 3: I had planned a special trip for us, I was to stay at her apartment the night before, and we were to leave in the morning....that night, I could not reach her; all night! she missed our trip, I knew how excited she was about it so I was amazed and contacted her mother (whom I had never met, but had her #)..her mother phoned her; K immediately txt messaged me and broke up suddenly....I was hurt, confused and broken...her mother called me over and told me an amazing story:

'K' had 'borderline personality disorder'; she was concurrently seeing me (respectable, honest guy) and some other drug dealer/addict type...that she had done stuff like this before and more than likely she was going to contact me again....I did not know what to think....I knew I should run to the hills, but I was smitten and couldn't get her out of my heart...when things were good, they were great!....I resolve that if she contacts me, I'll offer her my love and support as long as she commits to me...

Chapter 4: a week later she txt'd me to check my mail...there was a card that said 'I'm sorry for everything, I felt I was falling hard for you and got scared'....we start a dialog again; she agrees to get rid of the other guy and stick with me; I educate myself on BPD

Part 2
Chapter 5: Late 2008; She still disappears a little; finally things go back the way they were, I found out later that she was a few days of and on with the other guy until he was finally gone for good.....find out that she has a bad drug problem and had got involved in prostitution at some point to support her habit...still it's too late, I was hooked on her and going to make it work and 'save' her.... I spend thousands of dollars trying to help he, making sure she isn't homeless, has food, clothes, etc....

Chapter 6: Things are good for awhile, she seems open to try therapy and get on a methadone program for her opiate addiction....she doesn't do either and I suddenly lose contact with her for a different sketchy guy....(which she never told me, I had to find out)...she still tries to call me occasionally and try to get money from me, saying if I don't help her she'll kill herself or sell herself on the street, amazingly she still thinks I should still be helping her after all she's done to me...

Chapter 7: She reaches out to me (March, 09), her life is a mess, she's been evicted out of 2 apartments and is living with a group of drug addicts, she says the other guy is long gone (later find out he just went to jail)...I get her on a methadone program, find er a place to live, and give her love and support; the day after moving her in (Aug 30th 09) and a day after expressing how much she loves me, etc etc., she has the guy from jail move in to the new apartment with her; I only find out because she stops answering her phone, and the guy ended up answering and telling me to get lost, and that she was in communication with him the whole time.....I'm shocked.....

Chapter 8: I text her at the end of September to tell her that my dad was not ill anymore (because I thought she actually might care) amazingly she txts back and we start a dialog 'she's sorry, she made a huge mistake' leaving me was the worst thing she had ever done, and that the other guy is a nutcase....a week later, I rescue her; she obviously hasn't told the other guy cuz he shows up at the apartment one day a few days later while I'm there banging at the door like an idiot screaming; she calls the cops

Part 3
Chapter 9: She's really caring and sweet again, she still uses cocaine occasionally and lies about it, and occasionally still tries to communicate with bad people from her past, , but she seems to be trying to genuinely improve her life, exercising, eating better....trying to paint/do crafts....our relationship is different now, I don't have any dillusions that anything is possible now, but I sincerely believe that she can improve, and it seems she wants to...Just after the new year 2010, she suddenly breaks up with me, same old boyfriend (was actually in jail again) had gotten out and moved in to her apartment....I was bent on leaving her alone this time, I was fed up....still deeply grieving.....5 days later, she's contacting me, she's made a big mistake again and promises he'll fix it....3 days later, she phones me; apparently the guy has hit her, she called the cops and he's in jail again (find out later she lied about it, probably to get rid of him, find out she did it twice before before me to different guys)

Chapter 10: I get her a different apartment and she changes her phone #....things steadily improve; she sees a therapist once, but misses her second appointment when she meets some new friends and goes on a 3 day alcohol and drug hiatus...never goes back....still she makes improvements, by early May 2010 she's the best she's ever been since I know her, no more using drugs, not hanging around bad people (actually not hanging around anyone but me since ALL her circle were scumbags)...things have never been better, and I tell her so....

Chapter 11: June, 2010....Things go from the best they've been, to crap in 4 weeks; starts with her making friends with a couple (meth addicts), abandons her part time job, she spends all her time all of a sudden at their apartment; and yes, she does meth there, starts taking to me about becoming a prostitute, I tell her I'm NOT sticking around for that and give her an ultimatum, she initially chooses sex work, I give her my key to her apartment and drive off, she calls me back 10 minutes later crying and has changed her mind....I tell her I don't want her hanging around those meth users, she resents me saying I'm trying to keep her from having friends; find out by snooping that she's telling these new friends of hers how much of a bad guy I am, and how I'm using her for sex (even though I hadn't touched her since early May); find out from her mother that she's saying if she doesn't have sex with me I threaten her with taking stuff away from her (all lies)....she has extreme anxiety and becomes irresponsible with her methadone, missing it one day...

Part 4
Now: Tuesday evening, things seem on the mend, I had offered to pay her rent this month till she works again...she calls me at 10PM that night with extreme anxiety; I come over to comfort her.....she tells me this elaborate story of how the next day (yesterday) she needs to drive out of town with a friend to do something, and if I could just slide the money for her rent under her door; RED FLAG, I probe her a bit, I suspect she's planning on shacking up with old BF from jail again (he never goes away either it seems) but she swears something else..., but she's on the fence all night about going or not going......she called me early yesterday morning to bring her a bagel and a coffee it was ok, I do...I see her, she's as sweet as pie but says she's going with her friend for the day..... I try calling her later, she's not answering her phone, I do finally reach her and tell her I can't drop the rent cheque that day, that I'll have to bring it the next day bacause of a banking anomoly (actually true)...she flips out, calls me some terrible names....I ask her what's the problem, I can just bring it the next day when I see her....nope, not good enough, she needed it today.....she tells me to leave her alone, I tell her ok and hang up....I suspect the jailhouse BF is back...FOR NOW

ok, so obviously I lost myself somewhere...probably in chapter 2 somewhere...before this woman, I would have NEVER even been tolerated being lied to; with her however, I have tolerated lies, drug use, serial cheating, never mind all the other BPD things like sudden rages; taking a hammer to the wall, an episode of her cutting, etc....I've come to expect crazy, unbelievable behaviour...

I know what I should do, NO CONTACT, ever, but I also know that I won't.....I'm almost relieved right now that I don't have the burden of her on my shoulders; but at the same time I desperately want her to call me and want me to rescue her (something her mother is fairly certain she will do) ....the thought that she might not reach out to me terrifies me......
Any of this sounds familiar to anyone? I'm really interested in the perspective from people who suffer from the disorder....I still believe she can get better with treatment, and I believe that in her core she wants to get well and be happy....THAT ALONE is enough to keep me around to help her....will she call back is the terrifying thought that consumes me right now.....

Wow. Do you have a therpist?

S

not right now....I was hoping to get HER into therapy and was allocating money reserved for the cost of a therapist if she would agree to it....

Right now, THIS is my only therapy

So you're hot for wounded birds.

Use that money for your own therapy. You're driving yourself into the ground over this woman. And you're not helping her.

People don't change simply because they want to; plain and simple.

I know what it's like to give in and start accepting irrational behavior, not to these extremes but in the same BPD realm. Notice how you're desperate for her to call you and either way, she does or doesn't call you, it's terrifying. If you honestly care about her, you'll leave her alone because I can assure you, she's now worse off for having known you. Sorry to say it but you've done nothing but enable her. I know your intentions were/are pure but when she's reaching out, she's not reaching out to you. She doesn't go to you because it's you and you specifically mean something to her. She does it because you're a sucker that will give in. If she knew other people that were as easy to push around, she'd, "reach out," to them.

If you really feel that she's irrational, has issues, and needs help... stop acting as broken as she is.


(As always, sorry if to have offended anyone with BPD)

Rob

The person you are describing is a drug addict. Addiction and Cluster B disorders are comorbid:- it is called Dual Diagnosis. You can read more about it here:

http://web.archive.org/web/200604270546 ... ddhome.htm

I know that you feel you are helping your friend, but you are not. You are enabling her to continue with her use of opiates. In doing so you are contributing to her addiction problems. Until she is left to hit what drug workers call 'rock bottom' it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that she will stop taking opiates. In fact if you continue to fund her habit then it is nigh on impossible that she will enter a treatment centre and rehabilitate herself.

Families of drug users call this 'tough love'. It is how they describe detaching from a drug addicted loved one. It means that you leave the individual to their own fate, knowing that until you do so there will be no change. It is a very, very difficult thing to do. But if you genuinely care about your friend it is THE ONLY thing to do. You cannot help her and you cannot get her off drugs. Only she can do this. You have no control over the situation, apart from an ability to lengthen the amount of time that she is an addict by helping her to remain addicted.

Therefore the most caring thing you can do is STOP. Do not give her money. Do not assist her drug habit in anyway. Until the drugs stop working - she will take them by any means necessary. ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Do not be one of those means Rob especially if you care for this person.

It sounds like the most selfish thing to do - but it is the opposite. It is the only way in which you can help her. It is the only way in which you can help yourself. You know this already.

Best to you Rob

Normal

Normal? wrote:Rob
I know that you feel you are helping your friend, but you are not. You are enabling her to continue with her use of opiates. In doing so you are contributing to her addiction problems. Until she is left to hit what drug workers call 'rock bottom' it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that she will stop taking opiates. In fact if you continue to fund her habit then it is nigh on impossible that she will enter a treatment centre and rehabilitate herself.
Normal

Just to clarify, I never funded her drugs....other than maybe freed up her money for them by buying food and making sure her rent was paid, and paying for her methadone treatment....I got her on a methadone program which has helped a lot, and I encouraged her to stop using cocaine, which she did do....what have I done to enable her BPD behaviour other than giving her chances to improve and forgiven her mistakes? I've always let her know what I was willing to tolerate and what I wasn't, and whenever she did something outside of that I made her fix it....I had several arguments with her as of late regarding her new friends and this new meth use, and that could be part of the reason she's gone now....

I have no plans to contact her; but I don't know how to behave if/when she contacts me.... Am I an enabler?? I don't let her get away with her craziness quietly, but I never lunge out at her in anger either....