Communicating with non BPD

That may sound like a strange topic, as they are the ones without the issues.

However, I am having real difficulty at the moment and wondered if anyone has any advice.

I have only just discovered that I have BPD and crickey it explains so many things in my life (and no doubt explains a lot of my behaviour to the BF).

I have tried to explain what it is to him and how (and even why I have the underlying issues) but it's a bit like he doesn't want to listen or know about it. I think that he thinks, it's just a label that mardy people put on themselves to have an excuse to wine.

He keeps saying it's nothing and chin up babe, don't worry about it. I wish I could feel that way, but to be honest, I feel really down about it - I'd always just imagined that my issues were possibly normal or that I could just grow up and it would all be different one day (and perhaps I'd just made bad choices about men/life and was unlucky with my parents), but now it feels like I know its actually something inside me, that I can never escape and I feel worse now, rather than better.

But I can't ask the BF for support or help or talk about how I feel when I do get paranoid or emotional about something to do with us, because he just doesn't want to talk about it at all. Also no matter how many times I say please don't take my over sensitivity personally (Even now I have started saying, I am paranoid about this today and I know it's just me, but xyz) he still just defends, defends, defends the point and himself, rather than seeing the underlying fears that I've tried to explain to him.

Does anyone have any useful hints, of how to explain feelings to a loved one in a way that helps them to understand, we don't mean it.. because I feel so defeated at the mo! I am just pushing him away by saying too much all the time and he looks at me, like he'd rather be anywhere else than enduring my whining. (which is probably fair enough of course).

PS I know it's not his fault and I am not slating non BPD's - far from it. I wouldn't want to have to live with me, so I certainly have empathy for him.

I know I shouldn't rely on him to feel happy. But struggling with that.

Any advice in general on how to make a relationship work, when you are a hopeless over reactor and paranoid of not being loved, would be massively appreciated.

Thanks

That may sound like a strange topic, as they are the ones without the issues.

I apologize but I had to laugh at this. Nons certainly do have issues. Think of the behaviors that stem from the disorder. Anyone who willingly puts up with them has issues. Please do not put us Nons up on a pedestal.

janine, you have received the gift of a diagnosis and what you do with that gift could bring you a life of contentment. It is going to take a lot of discipline and commitment to reach that goal. And you will often falter, which will only teach you more. And you will learn to pick yourself up again and continue on your path to healthy relationships. There is nothing sweeter than that.

Your BF, it appears, is incapable of being there for you in a way that will help you learn and grow. Don't get yourself into a trap in which you believe that by saying things a certain way he will finally understand. This is actually something Nons do all the time when involved with an untreated BPDer. If I could only explain this issue one more time in the "right" way, s/he'll finally get it! You could go on forever saying the same thing in different ways and come up empty-handed every time. If he is incapable of getting it, that's on him. It's not on you.

You went into this relationship in an unhealthy framework. If he is uncommitted to transforming that framework into something healthy, then he's not your partner. He's a liability.

Relationships don't "work" at all when you are constantly on the defense. Relationships work when both people are equally disengaged (see "emotional disengagement" on the google) and free of their toxic programming. You won't achieve a quality relationship until you are on the road to that healthy perspective and when you have met a man who is on that road, as well. And when you are on that road I guarantee that you will meet those people along the way. There are a lot of people seeking recovery from their abusive histories.

My opinion is that your focus should be on you and getting into the early stages of recovery. This guy is going to prove himself to be an obstacle unless he finds it in himself to pull it together. It may mean the relationship ends, but that is OK. It reflects poorly on no one. It only means that the relationship didn't work for you. Stop worrying about what he is thinking and just focus on you. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Just stay on your path.

Deleted.

cmf, please try to read my posts without assuming that I am approaching the subject from a negative angle. You know what I'm talking about. I was not referring to you or anyone who is mindful, recovering, or recovered. If you didn't surmise that from my previous posts, then please understand that now and try not to see my posts through such a jaundiced lens. Another idea is to not read them at all. Thank you.

Janine

Just like there is no "formula" for communicating with someone who has BPD, I don't think there is one answer to how to speak to us "nons" (how I hate that title BTW).

I think it would be helpful to try to educate your BF about BPD, but in a non instrusive way. Perhaps either print out a few materials and leave them for him to read if he is inclined, or buy a book and leave it around. I think (and it's just based on my own response style) that pushing for him to "understand" is unrealistic. No offense.

My best friend in the whole world has BPD. We've been together for years, and I still don't always feel I understand the BPD that plagues him, or some of the behaviours that come along with it. But I have educated myself to support him, and frankly also to support myself. Being his best friend has taken work.

Don't beat yourself up if he can't understand. It's a complex disorder that most doctors and many sufferers don't understand, so it's a lot for someone not suffering from it to comprehend.

I wish you luck,

1ontheside

Thank you guys for the advice.
Velouria what you said really does make sense and is quite logical and comforting.

Initially when I read your comments about putting up with a BPD etc, I was a little offended and can see why CMS thought that, but upon reading the rest of the e mail, it is very helpful and clear that your intentions are to help and inform and ultimately I have to be realistic about things, IT IS HARD to put up with me.

Just to clarify, by "non BPD's don't have issues" what I meant was, it sounds like a strange topic saying "how to communicate with a Non BPD", as that title infers that Non's (as a group) have an issue with communicating and that's not what I meant to imply. That's all I meant by the "they're not the ones with the issues" comment, I was just letting people know that, it wasn't an attack on non BDP's.

I'm very aware of what my poor BF has to endure, he's a lovely kind man who by anyone's standards, does everything to be a loving and loyal BF, in fact in reality, he has never done anything wrong, but he still get's grief from me for things that are so petty and somehow I still manage to treat him like the root of all evil during my insanely over reactive episodes. So I certainly can empathise with the issues of what a non BPD has to endure, at least with me anyway!

Thank you for the advice, you're both right in that I can't force him to understand and as you said 1ontheside, that will only be intrusive.

So I'll just try and focus on being okay in myself and let him do whatever he needs to do and if it works it works.

I say that now anyway! lol

Above all else, it's nice to hear some Non BPD's talking positively about BDP's - I do hope my BF will stay and be as reasonable about it as you guys seem to be.

So nice to hear some succes stories, especially from non BPD's who have stuck with thier partners.

Thank you. x

Hey janine,

Just one thing...

IT IS HARD to put up with me.

It's the behaviors stemming from the disorder the are hard to put up with. Not you.

Thank you for pointing that out

If everyone was as reasonable and kind as you, I think the world would be a better place!

J

If everyone was as reasonable and kind as you, I think the world would be a better place!

janine - The world is actually a nice place. It is filled with reasonable and kind people, atleast in majority.

Hmm I'm not so sure.