Another broken heart

Hello everyone! First of all I would like to warning you about my english. I'm from Brazil and never studied english in school. Everything I learned was by myself.
Well, my name is Anna and I'm homossexual.
I had a girl friend, we dated more than 18 months. The same thing: Was amazing! Wonderful! The best days of our lifes!
We met on internet, unintentionally. I NEVER had the intention to find someone on that site. There was a gay relashionsip website. I wnet just to make some "fun".
Then, I met her. The woman of my life, I still believe. She came to talk to me and all this thing started.
She was totally crazy for me. I always felt the need to ignore her. Not only her, but all people that I want close of me.
And she loved me, like none. When I spoke about "separation", she was crazy! Not that crazy but, she began to cry and ask me to do not do it. In the end everythings turns out well, but the intention of separation was always mine.
We lived far, almost across the country. Our parents were against, obviously. But nothing made us give up. I moved to her city, left my parents, friends... She always asked me to live with her. Then I did.
When we complete 14 months of dating, I moved. Our life was perfect, or almost.
Then the fights started. Now, in our last fight, she told me: I love you, but I don't want you anymore.
Her family stepped into the fight, I think this is one of the reasons that she don't want me anymore.
The point is: I did everything I can. She always ran after me, but now, when I call her, she say: leave me alone.

I'm back to my family, but everything that they said is: Forget it and grow up!

Even if I have some disturbance, I thought that she wanted to take care of me.
Now I can't stop crying. Passed 1 week and I feel sad like the day that it happened.

Now I don't even know if I want she back to me, 'cause she always says something to hurt me.

I don't know how to explain but, I know that the things will not be the same if we back to each other. But I still want this.

Yesterday we spoke on the phone, she broken my heart, definitelly. I can't stop "shaking", cannot focus on studies, I don't know what else to do.

This isn't the first time but, was worse. I think about when someone will like me by who I am...
I want she back and I'm willing to treat me. But until then, I don't know if she'll want me back.

Will I forget her someday? I forgot my first "problematic" relashionship, but now It's so different, so intense. I just don't want to hurt myself anymore, not even her.

About BPD:

I don't know if I really have it, but I have all the symptom. Btw, BPD was her suggestion. My suggestion was Pathological Love.
She don't believe that I really love her. She thinks that's all about the "disease".

I have fear to be abandoned.
Some times I can't control my emotions.
Impulsive, some times.
Already cut my self. Before her and front of her.
Swiging humor. By some minutes, hours or almost one day.
Suicide attempt.
Problems with self-esteem, but only with her.
Uncontrollable desire to ignore who I want close of me.
Can't finish my jobs. I lost the pleasure to do something at the same moment that I want to do.

I don't want a diagnosis, only suggestions that might help me.

I really want to treat me, but I can't at now. My financial situation does not allow me.

AnnaNee, do you think there is a future for you and her? If you stay with her, it seems that you will be sad, depressed, angry, etc. Plus, your families are not okay with you and her having a relationship. In your opinion, it probably looks like there is no option for you to take: If you stay with her, you will feel bad; if you leave her, then you will also feel bad.

However, there is another way to approach this problem: You could try to delay the relationship until later in the future. In the present, you must continue with your work/study, and you can still talk to her as a friend/companion. Regarding Borderline PD, are your symptoms of it the result of the failed relationship?; or have the symptoms always been there in your life?

Kevin

Hi Kevin, thanks for your answer.
Right now, I'm feeling good (or almost). Some hours ago (when I made this topic), I was thinking about cut myself, my heart was crying.
Now I'm feeling better. I don't know how but I can't handle it anymore.
My bipolar is killing me. Or am I right, or am I very badly. I never could try the "middle ground".

This happens since when I was a kid. Isn't only with her. I fight with my parents, too. My friends... I had a "best friend" some years ago. People thought we were girlfriends... She never left me, I just stopped loving her and disappeared, gradually.

AnnaNee,

Você é bem-vindo (?). É uma boa idéia ter um bom relacionamento com seus pais. Você não faz tem que como eles, mas um bom relacionamento é importante. Eu não sou homossexual, mas meus pais não gostaram de minha amiga no passado. Ele ferido mim muito.

Kevin

PS - Eu tenho um amigo no SP

At now, I have a "good" relationship with my parents. My mother always asked me to come back to my home, but I never heard.
I try to blame the situation. I wonder, if my parents hadn't made my life a "hell", I would never moved to her city... I don't know how to say that I really love her. She is always saying that what I felt isn't true love, but even if I'm "sick", I can feel right and I feel that's true love.

All I want is treat me. And maybe, back to her... But I don't know if I can handle it. I don't if I can live without her love.
I've been missing her so much. Not for the company, but for all intimitate that we had.

Other point: I think that she have some Bipolar Disturb... In our relationship, she's always begged me not to leave her, always said that she love me more than herself. And I always ignore her. When we broke up, she starts to treat me really bad. I felt like NOTHING. Felt like if everything that we passed together, was a joke.
THEN, she calls me. She told me that she still love me and is missing me alot.
Her words: Baby, please, tell me that you love me. I've been missing you so much. Don't date with another girl, please... Give us time to think about everything that happened. Maybe we can restart...

In the next day, she returned to mistreat me. Saying things that really hurt me (and she knows that hurted me).
She did it FOUR times, in one week. When I stop to think about everything, she came and give me hopefull... I don't know HOW I will get better, 'cause she isn't helping me. And I CAN'T say anything to hurt or keep her away! At the moment, every time that she decides to "play" with me, I will play with her.
And I'm suffering... I start to ignore her again, but the truth is that I want her really close.

And, today (just now) she calls me. She said that she is missing me... I FEEL HOPEFULL AGAIN.
I asked her to call me later, and she didn't. She will leave for a party tonight and I thinking: she will have fun and forget me.
'Cause always when she talk to someone or go to a party, she start to mistreat me.

She is controlling your emotions, and that is wrong. You are the only person who shiould control your emotions. You are giving her too much of your life. You must become more independent and self-confident. You cannot go through your entire life hoping for others to make you happy. You will have to find happiness alone, before you can find happiness in a relationship.

The people who rely on others for happiness often get into relationships with the wrong people. They then become unhappy later in life.

Kevin

Thanks, that was great answer.
She calls me today again and did the same thing.
I'll cut any kind of relations with her by now. I don't know if I can handle it, anyway...

One step back.... ...to go many forward

I found out yesterday that she was having an affair while we date.
Her "affair" spoke to me and gave me a proof. I asked my ex if everything was true and she began to overcome the lies, saying that "was not what she meant."
Even though I know that's the truth and that she had an affair during our relationship, I prefer to believe what my ex says.
I can't leave her.