Should I tell My EX GF she has BPD?

I knew something was "off" but I couldn't quite place my finger on it.
She simply cut me out of her life in the coldest email ever and there was NO closure.

She's a gorgeously smart woman but she hid her illness from me for 18 months. I feel that she knows she has BPD but won't admit it to herself or me. It's been six moths since we broke up and I can't get over her.

We were extremely close and then she suddenly went no contact. I want to tell her about ALL her symptoms and what I saw in her. I feel like I at least owe that to me.
She always said that I was her true love but she in now seeing someone else.

I feel completely deceived and that It was all a lie.

I need closure.

Advice?

thank you,
Bud

Hi Bud,

The only person who can make the decision to pursue therapy is the person in need of it. You have zero influence here. Suggesting, hinting, begging, etc. on your part will only push her farther away from seeking it.

Your original post is more about you. You are trying to let go from this r'ship and have hit a divot. Denial being a standard step in the recovery process, you've convinced yourself that if only she didn't have BPD, you'd be happy and in love together. The likelihood of this scenario is slim but you're banking on odds based on some serious red flags and bad behavior.

You trapped yourself and you are responsible for creating closure here. Sometimes people claim to want closure when they're really looking for another opportunity to engage, in the hopes of reigniting the r'ship. It takes two to tango but not to close. You can create the closure all on your own. No conversation has to occur for this to happen.

She doesn't need your help. You don't need the drama. Create your own closure - tough but totally doable.

Good luck, Bud

Thanks V,

I don't believe I trapped myself because I was totally unaware of her illness. If I had been aware, I would have not engaged in the first place. On some level, she knew she was BPD and relentlessly pursued me while hiding her illness. So she trapped me into thinking she was "normal". She is now in therapy and I am certain that she is diagnosed and I feel that she owes me an explanation.
I want to tell her that I know that she is BPD because I think it will give me some relief. I doubt if anyone has ever called her on her 'mental:"issues" directly and I simply don't know how to find closure w/o telling her. If the situation was reversed, I would never get involved in a relationship without informing my mate. Heck, it might help the next guy (victim) while giving me some peace of mind to move on. I still love her so I don''t want her to devalue me more than she does now.

That is the contradiction: I don't want to hurt her., but it's hurting me keeping this bottled up inside. Telling a therapist is not going to help me because I feel that I need to tell her (for me)

I guess, my question is, if I tell her nicely (she knows that I love her) would a BDP (who hides it) go off the deep end (or devalue me more/she is no longer sucidal) if I tell her that I know that "I'm on to her"?

Thank again for any advice...
Bud

Bud, you did trap yourself because you ignored or overlooked the blatant red flags that were waving in your face. You mention a few things, but I am sure there were more. There are always more. You chose to engage in an unhealthy dynamic. That is not entrapment on her part.

She is struggling and has been struggling for a lifetime. If she has found therapy, then she is on the right track. For her. Anyone who engages with her in the future is making their own choice. Nobody is a victim.

She does not owe you an explanation. You have your explanation. What you don't have explained is why you chose to stay in a r'ship with a person who treated you that way. That is something to seriously look at and if you are in therapy, I hope that is where you are already going. For you.

What vindication are you seeking by letting her know you are "in on her?" Who cares whether she is splitting you black or white? The r'ship is over. This is your chance to move on, improve, and find the r'ship you've been looking for. Nothing good is to come from continuing this dance with your ex, even if it's only in your mind.

Bravo V!!!!!!
You are right on with every word you said.

No horseshit!

Red

Thanks, Red.

What a load of HS. So I am supposed to find a perfect person out there with no red flags? That person does not exist. We all make decisions to overlook small things that bother us for the sake of the big picture. My BPD (N) ex down played many traits so they were pink flags and not a big deal at the time. For example, he said, in the past he had a hard time imagining living in another persons shoes but now he "realizes they have important lives too". As a result, to me, he appeared to be a caring person to people he encountered during his day..like cab drivers and waitresses...seemed like a nice guy, right? It wasn't until I was painted black and learned about PD's for the first time that this innocuous statement became a RED FLAG. He rewrote his history to hide potential red flags. I found out a lot of truths after the fact....after I fell for him and he didn't need to hide his RED FLAGS anymore. But it was too late then, my heart was his and then it was broken.

Now I am trying to meet someone one new. I see flags everywhere. I don't give anyone a chance anymore. I won't Take That Leap anymore. But for me to move on, I must learn to accept peoples faults like I did with the exbf. Love is all about taking a chance. What you are ignoring, Veloria and Red, is that a disordered person can't be themselves when they meet someone and we get schnookered. How is a trusting person supposed to protect them selves from someone who is dishonest? In the time line of their cycle of painting white then black there are very few RED FLAGS in the beginning for us to be warned away. I ultimately listened to them and was not pulled back in. But the damage was done and my ability to read people is shot to hell. My boundaries now are a fortress and I pray I can find a way to let someone in again.

Gessolin, I liken my first "blackened" experience to the prom scene in Carrie. I was convinced I'd be the queen of the ball and then next thing I knew I had a bucket of pigs' blood thrown over my head.

I'm really sorry you're having a tough time in the trust department. I have to say, I am with you on that one. I either trust too much or not enough. I can't seem to find the middle ground. Rather, I am continuing to find the middle ground.

Major grats to you for recognizing and not being pulled back in. I know how ridiculously difficult that is.

velouria wrote:You chose to engage in an unhealthy dynamic. That is not entrapment on her part.

I had NO Idea that:

a) long emails with too much info
b) Falling in love in an instant
c) Depression

Were the RED FLAGS of mental illness. I pursued the relationship in a normal fashion and moved very cautiously. It was not until over one year later when I made that big commitment (all she ever wanted) that her true self started to emerge.

Normal people with zero experience do not know the signs of mental illness. (Until they have experience).

However, representing herself as a responsible adult was deceptive.

Hence, I most certainly do feel entrapped and victimized.

It was not until her "affair" and the stress of our reconciliation after 16 months that her:
"paranoia, projection, delusion, suicidal tenancies along with double binds galore flourished to the surface. She seemed to be a "normal" (she told me she was) with issues which all human have. A Humans who also makes a mistakes (only she couldn't admit hers)

It was not until later that i realized she felt NO true remorse and her thinking was scewed

This woman implored me to UNDERSTAND her. It was important to HER that I completely understood her.

I sure did and I got to know her better than anyone on the planet. I am an expert on ALL things her.

"What vindication are you seeking by letting her know you are "in on her?"[

I will feel vindicated and less the VICTIM when I let HER know what I came to understand:

Her diagnosis: BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (cluster B)

How can letting her know my diagnosis be a bad thing?

Thanks V,
Bud

I'm not even reading the Original Post.

The answer is no.
Assuming you're making is judgement call simply because she falls under the category of psycho ex, you're just being irrational.
Assuming that you've read up on it and she seems to fit, you're still not qualified to make the diagnosis, and misdiagnosis can cause horrific spiralling in ANY kind of mood or personality disorder.

No.
Tell her you think she should get some help.
Tell her that you're worried about her and that perhaps a professional can better help her.
Tell her ANYTHING except that you think she's crazy and has BPD.

Sure, she might need help, but you can't just tell someone they're crazy.
That's dangerous, irresponsible and just a lot rude.

When I calm down I'll come respond to this more rationally and possibly more helpfully.
But... NO.