Having a low day....

I fascinated about drowning today. I drove past a holding pond and saw how beautiful it looked. Just a small, dumpy, dirty holding pond. But to me it was perfect. It felt like home. I was drawn to it for some reason. I had to fight the urge to pull off to the side of the highway and jump right in. Maybe I will rent a boat someday and paddle myself to the middle of a lake and jump on in. That way they wouldn't find me. Not fast enough anyway. But who has the willpower to force themselves to drown?

I feel like a stranger in my own head lately. My thoughts are all confused and automatic. Fast. Too fast. I feel like I am constantly running behind my own thoughts, trying to keep up, trying to understand. Perhaps someone else is thinking for me and I am just the one that has to listen to it inside my head. Most of the time I don't know why I would be thinking what I am. It's intensely lonesome to not have anyone, not even yourself.

In-patient treatment seems so welcoming to me. I want it. I want it so much. I don't know why either. Maybe the person who is thinking for me knows that I need it, so they keep putting that idea in my head. Am I crazy? All my life I thought my way of thinking and acting was normal. Then, so quickly, so abruptly, I learn it's not normal. It's on the edge of psychosis. It's one of the worst mental illnesses there are. This worries me. There is the belief that truly insane people do not realize they are insane. I didn't know there was anything wrong with the way I thought. But yet, now that I have been diagnosed, I feel like everything I say and do is wrong. I am constantly questioning myself. Is this how I actually feel? Or is this my illness?

I feel empty. I feel like I am running on auto-pilot. But at the same time, my chest feels so full. So much pressure. So much pain. I am constantly having chest pain and anxiety attacks this last week. I am so uncomfortable. I can never breathe enough. I wonder if home made poision would kill me. Fast? Painlessly?

My therapist asked me if I have any thoughts of suicide or if I have any plans. How do I know when it turns from pure fascination and daydreaming to planning? Serious consideration? I would say I seriously consider it now. But I worry about my son. But what happens when it becomes too much? When I become too numb? When my thoughts are too quick? Will I still be able to say no?

I'm sorry you're down, mommy_dearest.

Did you really want to go in the pond or were you wishing to feel like you were floating and surrounded by warmth?

I don't know if this will help, but I have a line from a Dylan Thomas poem: After the first death there is no other. The poem is not about what I am about to write. I just think that line is one of the best ever written in the history of mankind.

I take it to mean that you can kill yourself, not physically, but spiritually. You can do that and you can change the whole script. You can decide this at any moment. And from that moment you won't bother with death or leaving. Because you'll have so many things to learn and adventures to have and freedom to enjoy. Starting from scratch. And from there your natural physical death will be of no concern to you because you will have been the very best you could possibly be.

Really hope that helps, love.

When you day dream of suicide that is very different then make different kinds of plans.
My therapist asked me those questions, and when I said yes about making plans, I went straight
from his office to inpatient, which is where I needed to be.

I hope you are feeling better. Don't be so hard on yourself. Things will get better as long as you
are willing to work at it.
The payoff is worth it.

It's hard to tell exactly when you cross the line from contemplation to action.

PM me anytime, I'll always reply.

I feel like a stranger in my own head lately. My thoughts are all confused and automatic. Fast. Too fast. I feel like I am constantly running behind my own thoughts, trying to keep up, trying to understand. Perhaps someone else is thinking for me and I am just the one that has to listen to it inside my head. Most of the time I don't know why I would be thinking what I am. It's intensely lonesome to not have anyone, not even yourself.

I know exactly how you feel. I've always been a stranger in my own skin. I don't know who I am or what made me this way or why I do anything that I do. I just kind of drift along, blocking out everything I don't want to hear, without choosing to. But why? Life is just fkd up and the sooner we all come to grips with it, the better. There's room for hope that one day you'll wake up and everything will be different and you'll know yourself, but it will never answer "Who am I?"

In-patient treatment has been sounding like a wonderful idea on this end, as well. It could help, but it might not. Everything is a chance. But whatever you do, don't kill yourself. It's cowardice and selfish, especially when you have a son. Don't give up on life no matter how hard it gets. There is always a new day, always something you haven't learned, something you haven't done. Make life your bitch, not the other way around. Truer words, mommy_dearest.