Scared - is it BPD?

Hi.
So I'm in a complete mess, and was wondering whether what I'm thinking/feeling is actually BPD.
So I'm 17, too young to technically be diagnosed apparently. I've had bulimia for the last 5 years and was bullied badly in both of my old schools, ending up spending almost a year completely ostracised from everyone, hiding from people and being ignored by people I idealised. I'm now in a new college, and my relationships are all over the place, I'm terrified of ever being alone again which has meant that my friends find me either clingy or hostile (I decide very quickly that they hate me and so I hate them passionately) and with my family, if any attention is given to my younger sister (15) I become hostile, defensive, and literally sick with jealousy.
I've been in counselling for about a year now, but I'm a compulisve liar. It's only recently I can actually admit to many of my problems and emotions, and the most recent thing I've been talking about is my mood swings - I will by laughing one minute, and in the space of about another minute be so low all I want to do is disappear and cry. Both states last from twenty minutes to a day, and change with dizzying speed. I don't know what I'm feeling or thinking in many ways, but I'll look back and realise I've been shouting at people for no good reason, or I'll just find everything funny and be hyperactive, suddenly working late into the night.
Recently with my bulimia my routine has changed to be more restrictive, and my mood swings have got so much worse. I always try to suppress them as much as possible until i'm on my own, but this has become completely impossible because they're so bad. I think the binging and throwing up was a way of somehow handling them - when I ate I wouldn't feel so empty, and when I threw up it hurt a bit and that somehow helped it too.
Around people, I'm paranoid they hate me and desperately cling to them, before deciding they hate me and demonising them, getting incredibly angry very quickly with them if things don'tt go my way. My body image is terrible (as goes with bulimia) and I found out about BPD while just trying to find out more about what might be causing my mood swings. Any help and advice would be really appriciated, and also how to talk to my counsellor bettter without lying about how I'm feeling. I hate how I feel and what I think and I just want everything to stop now.
THank you so much,
smallcat

I'm so sorry and also surprised that no-one has responded to your post yet.

I can't answer your questions, but I hope someone will come along soon.

My dughter is also 17 (18 in two months) and has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, and soon to be diagnosed with BPD, due to missing the ADHD, despite my insisting to the so called 'proffesionals' since she was 7 years old, that something was wrong!

My daughter is also a compusive liar/manipulator, to the point that she actually lost her counsellor due to telling lies about what her counsellor had said in the sessions - making her out to be unprofessional!

My daughter has no friends, has had a past of sexual abuse/prostitution/grooming, has had no real boyfriend, apart from one who everytime she went out with him she self harmed. Her arms and legs are in such a bad state that I can't even think about going on holiday this year with her..... and to top it all, she has had numerous hospital admissions in the last month due to asthma.... related to lighter fuel inhalation!

I wish you luck, smallcat. I hope someone will come along soon to give you some advice!

Love x x

Hiya,

Thank you for your reply! I'm sorry about your daughter, the situation sounds awful and I hope she's going to be ok, and you too.

Interestingly I've just been referred to a new therapist... Wondering whether I'm not being told something in therapy, but then I am ridiculously paranoid and I'm very aware of that. It's really hard to tell what I'm thinking. I'm not self-diagnosing by any means, I know how dangerous that can be... I don't know anything of what I'm feeling to be honest. I just feel completley lost and very lonely, and I don't know what to do anymore.

If anybody can give me any advice whatsoever... miss_understood, thank you for your empathy and for your story. I really do hope your daughter is alright.

smallcat

I was originally diagnosed when I was 17 so yeah, it happens.

The big thing I have to say is, I am a compulsive liar. I have been through three psychiatrists, four therapists, and school counselor due to it. The sooner you learn to trust your therapist and tell the truth, the better off you will be in the long run. Trust me on that. They are there to help you so let them.

Hiya,

Thank you for your reply. I am trying to be more honest and open, but I find it very hard, but at the moment I'm seriously struggling and I just don't know what to do any more. I want help, but I can't express my feelings to anyone because I don't trust anyone, literally anyone.

As I mentioned above, I'm on a restrictive plan to try and deal with my bulimia. Well, without the bulimia the rest of my life is completely falling apart. I'm struggling to keep the bulimia and plan in check, and my family are on board but seem to think it's a matter of simple willpower when it just isn't, if it was willpower I would have dealt with it a long time ago. My moodswings are completley controlling my life. They're getting worse by the day - I'm a dancer, so I know any self-harming will show, so I've started pulling my own hair out just to try and feel something when I'm in a low place, it's the only way I can feel anything, i'll literally do anything that hurts so long as I can make excuses for it if anyone notices. I cry for hours, and will be laughing with the tears still drying and when I'm laughing, I can't sleep, so it goes in a vicious circle where I'll be in a low mood, and shattered to go with it. I've always been able to control my moods to a certain degree before, but now I can't control anything and all and everything that I am goes with these mood swings.

As for relationships... well, I mentioned that my family seem to think my bulimia is willpower. They also now keep telling me to stop being morose, and to stay in the 'happy state', which is a) impossible and b) I know that in that state I lose track of what I'm doing, and I'm probably more of a problem then than any other time. I had a row with my family two nights ago and I couldn't control myself at all, it was something irrelevant like so much of what I get angry at (usually I excuse myself and throw things... it does the job, even if I do break things) and this time, I just wanted to hit them. I know I probably sound melodratic but I'm not, I genuinely can't control myself at the moment, especially not when I get angry with anyone. And naturally, that leads to me thinking they will end up hating me and leaving me, and I'll end up on my own. My sister is doing more activities recently and my parents are away more, so I'm spending more time alone around the house and it's driving me mad, being on my own for just a few hours. Does that make any sense?

And the best part is, I don't have the guts to tell my (new, as of next week...) therapist. I'm starting with someone new, and I don't want to lie to him when I start out, because I might finally get help. I just feel like he'll think I'm a terrible person and I probably am for lying so much to everyone even when they matter to me, and I'll just end up with this hanging over me all my life. As it is my old therapist told me the bulimia may never go away, and she never really knew about the mood swings because I thought she'd think I was making it up for attention when i don't want attention, I just don't want people to think badly of me.

I don't know if I have bpd. I certainly don't want to start diagonising myself. But there is something wrong with me and can't even bring myself to tell somebody who can help me, and for the first time I'm inadvertetntly taking it out on the only people in the world who a part of me knows I can trust (even if another part tells me I can't trust them). Am I making any sens e at all? Because I'm going to read this back wondering how I could gibber on like this, but this is one of the first times I've actually dared tell anybody anywhere how bad things are, and the first time I'm actually desperate for help.

Sorry. And thank you for reading,

smallcat

smallcat, you have a new therapist and here is your chance to put the past behind you and be HONEST for once.

Why would you care that your therapist would think that you're a 'terrible person'? Who is he/she to you? Yhey come across people with problems like yours every day of their working lives. If you didn't have problems, they wouldn't be counselling you!

Be brave, be yourself; your therapist WILL NOT judge you and everything you tell him/her is confidential. Imagine that you are in your bedroom, alone and that you are talking into a tape-recorder... and always remember that your therapist will have heard a lot worse in his/her professional career.

You owe it to yourself and to your loved ones to start being honest with someone... only then will you get the help you so desparately need.

Best of luck to you.

x x x x

Hiya.

I know what you mean, and I know I shouldn't worry but I do! They're somebody who knows things about me that I can't tell anybody else and can't talk about to anyone else, and I just don't want there to be something that I can be judged by. I feel like I'm a freak enough without feeling there's something that can never be fixed and will never go away.

My referal has been delayed due to paperwork, but I'll get back to you with how it goes when I finally get referred and start talking! Thank you for your advice, once again,

smallcat

Hi smallcat..

just wondered how things are going for you??

x x x

Hi,

Sorry it's taken a while to get back to you. My life is nosediving, the last week has been total hell for me if I'm completely honest. I'm being honest with my counsellor but it's not helping; I've been prescribed AD's which I start tomorrow, I don't know if they'll help but I can't live like this. I don't know how anybody can put up with me, but I can't be without them. THe mood swings are just impossible, I can't begin to describe it, but it all feels like it's happening with me watching. I feel like i'm trapped in a tiny part of my head watching somebody else live the moodswings and hell while still feeling it - I don't know if that makes sense, but to put it succinctly I'm losing all sense of identity any more.

I don't want to do this any more. This was all done to work on my bulimia, but without it I can't cope with everything elsein my head. I know it's about control and this is me relinquishing control, but before everything worked. It was disfunctional and the eating was very dangerous, but the rest of my life was ok, I could keep a handle on it. I can't any more, and I try to tell my parents and they're attitude is "it's only permanent, and you don't want to die". Frankly, the way I'm feeling now, I'd rather die. And this is relatively new for me, I became suicidal a few years back but recently morbid thoughts have been restricted to self-harm. NOw I just feel like what the hell is the point, there is no cure and this will haunt my entire life.

Please help, I don't know what to do.

smallcat

Hi Smallcat,

I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time. I don't have BPD, but I do struggle with depression. I understand what it's like to feel hopeless, to want to die.
I find it really helps to talk about it; everything is worse when it's kept bottled up inside. However, it's really hard for those who don't have a mental illness to understand; that's why these forums are such a lifesaver. You can vent, write out your thoughts, and talk to people who know what you're going through.
Maybe try writing in a journal, as well. I recently started one, and so far it's been a very positve experience.
'
It's a daily struggle, though, and sometimes I wonder why I bother trying. But just like any intense emotion, the feeling passes with time. You just have to wait it out, find something to distract yourself.
I got on meds several months ago, around the same time as my BPD friend. I can't say I've noticed much of a difference, but as for my friend...he went from a depressed anorexic with a severe social phobia into a fun loving, care free social butterfly in less than a month. I wish I could say he is doing well now, but he has other problems plus he won't see a therapist. From what I've read, a therapist is crucial.

So I would be patient and definitely give your meds a chance. They could make all the difference in the world.

I hope things get better for you, Smallcat .