Patience running out - should I finish with my BPD boyfriend

First off, my bf has never had an official BPD diagnosis.
He did have a psychotic episode in his teens and got treated in a private hospital and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, but hasn't had a similar incindent since.

However his behaviour follows patterns that make me think he has BPD, although he isn't depressed or suicidal.

Over the course of our relationship, we seem to come to a point once a week or every couple of weeks which is triggered off by a minor disagreement, which spirals into a huge episode of resentment and requires endless discussion about how to solve this "problem" as we are both hurt and looking for ways to make the other one see where they went wrong.

Both of us feel very misunderstood at times, but my boyfriend doesn't seem to ever realise how exactly his behaviour is making me feel and act in a certain way - as though my reactions had nothing to do with the way he treats me!

I am starting to lose patience, and feel constantly drained. His letters are a long list of reproaches and accusations, and answering his lengthy emails is very distracting at work.
Seeing all his negative interpretation of events (and how it's all my fault) in writing is mentally exhausting, and although I feel sorry for him and the way he feels I am beginning to think I would be better off single and starting again with someone else.

We both want a family and a future together, but these constant arguments and the way in which molehills regularly become mountains that need to be climbed in order to move on are making me doubt this will be possible.

In any case, it would be unfair on the kids.

The first time I got drawn into one of his "episodes" started with me being late back, and him being worried. The reason we made our separate ways home was the way in which he spoke to me in public, which made me uncomfortable being around him. So I told him I'd see him back home, later.

Rather than him concentrating on the issue at hand (I was late, it was dark and he was worried) he began to spiral this argument totally out of proportion, and went so far as to ridicule my job, family and former relationships!

I was shocked but argued back as good as I got, feeling sad that he managed to drag me into such an unpleasant disagreement.
Since then I have tried to make him understand that we shouldn't lower the bar so much and get so nasty and personal over unrelated issues, but he seems to forget this a lot.

We had an agreement about not sending each other upsetting text messages, but he still does - and they rant on and on, picking fault with most aspects of my personality.

His perception of reality is worryingly blurred, he actually thinks all my friends believe him to be this amazing guy, when most of them question why I am still with him!
He fell out with my family when he dumped me over a minor issue whilst staying with me in their house. I forgave him when he begged for another chance, but I wanted to see more evidence that things have changed...

It is so hard to forgive him and believe in a happy future, when I am not even sure he has any insight into his own behaviour!

How have other "Nons" coped in this situation, did any of you manage to salvage a friendship, or should I keep giving him chances? (By the way, he now regularly tells me that I am the one with BPD...)

I try to stay strong to make him see my point, but usually in the interest of our love and "getting on with things" these issues aren't resolved, merely papered over - until the next episode, where I cannot help but drag up everything that has gone before and made me question the point of being with him.

He finds this unfair, but doesn't agree that we aren't good for one another. I fear he has had similar patterns in previous relationships, until the women gave up (he is divorced and doesn't really accept the part he played in his divorce).

Should I give him an ultimatum and request he seeks treatment?
He tells me I need help with my "anger issues" - but how could anyone help being absolutely furious with the way I am being treated?
Advice, please...

(I am 33 and really want a baby and a settled family life)

Butternut,

I fel very sad for your situation and things dont' seem that great unless they change. You said that you want children and a family, but how could you possibly have a true 'family' with this guy? It just doesn't seem like he will ever change if he is with you. He could change, but you and he are so far down the wrong path that I doubt he can ever change while this relationship still exists. Even if the relationship ends, I doubt he could ever even remain civil to you in a friendship. He could fake it, but deep down I think that the chances of a positiev relationship between you and he on any level is gone. Others might have different opinions than I, of course.

If you do plan to leave him, then do it right. Inform your friends and family and take their help if it is offered. You could take a day or two off work too and maybe stay over in a friend's house. The days immediately after a break-up are the most difficult, but by being with your friends/family in different surroundings is a good way to get through this difficult period. You're 33 too - not 103 - and there aredecades left for you to live.

Kevin

Looks like he took the decision out of my hands, he sent me a text (!!) to tell me he needed space.

I was hurt and surprised, as we'd had plans in the afternoon but I heard nothing from him until this text came, in the evening.

Bizarrely enough he tells me a lot of the things I want to say to HIM, about examining my behaviour, seeing a psychiatrist and acting "up and down".

He doesn't have much empathy for me or other people's feelings, everything points back to him! And he doesn't seem to understand that if I go "hot and cold" it is usually a REACTION to the way he treats and speaks to me...
When I told him about feeling jealous he was meeting a female friend of mine without including me, it was ME giving HIM a hard time and stressing him out by not trusting him, he didn't show any sympathy for my feelings in this situation.

I have no history of mental illness (although I was on antidepressants for a few months following a painful breakup a few years back) and I have never encountered this type of behaviour before from a partner.
My father also displayed many classic BPD signs and you could say I am extra sensitive or "allergic" to things like changing/cancelling plans at the last minute, guilt tripping, blame shifting and simply recognising their own responsibility for the consequences of their action.

In a way I am glad he asked for the break/space, as I am sure if I'd been the initiator he would just turn into a nightmare and not accept it.
As it is, he has already contacted some of my friends to explain/justify what happened, and they found his message most odd.

What really annoys me, is that in a relationship with a BPD it is always THEM in the driving seat - it's a drag to get them to cooperate on anything, and the relationship only progresses or stalls at their initiative. As a NON you are simply swept along in the tidal wave of their emotions...

Currently reading "Stop walking on eggshells" which is really helpful, but any input appreciated!

Embrace the silence.

velouria wrote:Embrace the silence.

Good advice, actually, but Depeche Mode (a band) would tell you to 'Enjoy the silence' too - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAN9sKlOZxE

Butternut, you mentioned how you have never witnessed this type of behaviour in a partner previously. This of course makes it a scary time for you, but also something that can be learned from; and something that can be added to your repertoire of life experiences. You can laern much from what is happening now.

Butternut,

We sound to have had parallel lives. I am convinced my BF also is uBPD. After 5 years, I got him to move out. It lasted 8 months and I dated. Alot, but never met anyone I clicked with. We are back together and I try to focus on the good qualities.

I wondered if a couples journal might be a good venture, therapuetic for both of us. But I'm finished having children, and am glad. I wouldn't want a child in between this relationship. I've read of children of BPD on this site, and they received the typical BPD behavior.

I really think they don't remember some of their actions and words. Sort of the heat of the moment prevents experience from passing into long term memory.

I suspect he will try for reconnection, so prepare your defenses, get involved with a club or class, or group to meet someone who is ready for the kid thing. Work towards being happy for you, BPD aren't the nurturing type.

Hi Valley

a very helpful and healthy response. I agree I may not meet someone I feel the same type of Click with, but I also don't need someone who brings out the worst in me, and considers me his devil enemy in regular, random intervals based on trivial events.

The last straw came when he let me down during a hospital stay, hopefully this will give me the strength to stay broken up for good. I have been accompanying this man to various appointments, packed his overnight bag for him and picked him up from hospital and otherwise shown my support and sympathy for his various complex health conditions in more ways than I can list, yet he left me stranded and in pain because he was focussing on his own selfish needs.

Sad, but true. All my friends are so appalled and I hope their support will help me to stay clear of his destructive influence! xxx

Butternut wrote:He doesn't have much empathy for me or other people's feelings, everything points back to him! And he doesn't seem to understand that if I go "hot and cold" it is usually a REACTION to the way he treats and speaks to me...
When I told him about feeling jealous he was meeting a female friend of mine without including me, it was ME giving HIM a hard time and stressing him out by not trusting him, he didn't show any sympathy for my feelings in this situation.

What really annoys me, is that in a relationship with a BPD it is always THEM in the driving seat - it's a drag to get them to cooperate on anything, and the relationship only progresses or stalls at their initiative. As a NON you are simply swept along in the tidal wave of their emotions...

These two paragraphs perfectly describe my BPD ex. He has not been diagnosed, and when I tried to suggest therapy he would freak out on me. This is what I call DENIAL. They cannot accept responsibility for their emotions or their actions because to do so would be to admit that there is something wrong with them. My BPD ex would also turn things around on me and show no empathy about my feelings. If I confronted him about something he had said or done that had bothered me all hell would break loose and he would accuse me of attacking him and say he always felt like he had to walk on egg shells for me (when it was really the other way around). I could not go to him to talk about any "tough" topics without an argument ensuing. It was like trying to communicate with a six year old child in the middle of a temper tantrum. And you're right...it is always the Borderline in the driver's seat. At least with my ex it was because he had this overwhelming need to be in control of everything. His moods, thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, desires were the focus of our entire relationship. Very little consideration was given to me. If you want my advice, make sure the split is final this time. I know it's hard, but one of my biggest mistakes was returning to a BPD ex repeatedly after several breakups. It's just a way for them to test your boundaries and control and manipulate you.

Hi Cat Eyes

thanks for your reply - were you married to him!??

It sounds like it could be the same person... I was always really puzzled why his marriage broke up because he had absolutely no insight into the role he may have had to play in this, but when we became a couple it became obvious pretty soon.
It has helped me to consider that yes, BPD people are like kids in a temper tantrum when you"trigger" them, this is because the BPD behaviour is a defense mechanism that started as a young child - however they fight with adult weapons which is very scary to anyone on the receiving end of their moods.

The threats and texts I have received from him have to be seen to be believed, and my friends have no idea why there is this pull to re-enter this relationship.
I think I may have too much patience and empathy, which I believe he uses to his advantage...

Right now I really hope the break is final and I can manage to safely move on. Fingers crossed! I feel much calmer already than constantly waiting "for the other shoe to drop".
And I can enjoy making my own plans instead of worrying that the person I rely on participating in the plans will sabotage them at the last minute.

Butternut wrote:Hi Cat Eyes

thanks for your reply - were you married to him!??

It sounds like it could be the same person... I was always really puzzled why his marriage broke up because he had absolutely no insight into the role he may have had to play in this, but when we became a couple it became obvious pretty soon.
It has helped me to consider that yes, BPD people are like kids in a temper tantrum when you"trigger" them, this is because the BPD behaviour is a defense mechanism that started as a young child - however they fight with adult weapons which is very scary to anyone on the receiving end of their moods.

The threats and texts I have received from him have to be seen to be believed, and my friends have no idea why there is this pull to re-enter this relationship.
I think I may have too much patience and empathy, which I believe he uses to his advantage...

Right now I really hope the break is final and I can manage to safely move on. Fingers crossed! I feel much calmer already than constantly waiting "for the other shoe to drop".
And I can enjoy making my own plans instead of worrying that the person I rely on participating in the plans will sabotage them at the last minute.

No, thank goodness I was not married to him otherwise it might have made the split more complicated. It was a nice clean split, and I have had no contact with him since though he did try to get in touch with me once, which I ignored.

This post was back in July so I'm wondering how things turned out for you. Were you able to move on without him in your life? I hope so.