Uncontrollable morbid thoughts

My BPD emerged a little over a year ago, but I have had uncontrollable morbid thoughts of loved ones since I was very little. I really detest these moods and don't know why I have them. They completely ruin good moments and leave me very upset most of the time.

For example a member of my family may do something silly and I will really enjoy it for the moment, then these thoughts of their inevitable death come rushing in my head and there begins a spiral of negative thoughts.
Sometimes I will have a nice moment with somebody and thoughts of how they will not be with me for long enter my mind.
I will play with my dog and become very sad at how I will have to experience his death in less than a decade.
Sometimes I will have 'fantasies' of loved ones dying and imagine the things I will do to cope, how I would act if they died etc.
When people do nice or "cute" things it is like a smile to a frown.
I will think back on memories of loved ones as if they are already dead, and begin crying uncontrollably

I definitely do not enjoy these thoughts, they leave me very sad and fearful.
Why do I have them? How do I get rid of them?

Thank you.

calico,
ya know, I have these same thoughts. I do it with everyone even myself. Part of it is surviorship, and dealing
with strong stress moments.
But, the moment I feel any negative or "bad" or worrying/rumination thoughts, I make sure to move, get up, get motivated
distract, distract,distract!!!!
Live in the present moment, smell the air, taste food, texture, color....we all will pass, but don't worry or be afraid, you
are a strong person, who deals with reality that others want to be oblivious about.
You know this, don't let it ruin your good, happy life that you deserve.
Blessings,
red

calicococonut wrote:My BPD emerged a little over a year ago, but I have had uncontrollable morbid thoughts of loved ones since I was very little. I really detest these moods and don't know why I have them. They completely ruin good moments and leave me very upset most of the time.

For example a member of my family may do something silly and I will really enjoy it for the moment, then these thoughts of their inevitable death come rushing in my head and there begins a spiral of negative thoughts.
Sometimes I will have a nice moment with somebody and thoughts of how they will not be with me for long enter my mind.
I will play with my dog and become very sad at how I will have to experience his death in less than a decade.
Sometimes I will have 'fantasies' of loved ones dying and imagine the things I will do to cope, how I would act if they died etc.
When people do nice or "cute" things it is like a smile to a frown.
I will think back on memories of loved ones as if they are already dead, and begin crying uncontrollably

I definitely do not enjoy these thoughts, they leave me very sad and fearful.
Why do I have them? How do I get rid of them?

Thank you.

Yet again- same issue! But I've found that going out of my way to distract myself stops the spiral completely. Even just shaking my head, hard.

HOLY HELL ROLLER! I thought I was the only one with "crazy" thoughts like this. It happens to me, sometimes when I feel unexpectedly close to someone, or having a "high" moment. Sometimes it just happens out of the blue.

My worst one yet was a few weeks ago. I was sitting in our driveway in the car, my son in the back in his car seat, my husband was inside grabbing something so we could leave. I had this sudden image of a man running through the yard, opening our car door and then shooting my son in the head. It was absolutely insane. It was such intense fear that I wanted to drive away as fast as I could without waiting for my husband. It was the worst 2 minute wait of my life. A lot of my "visions" and thoughts are about my son dying in his sleep, being killed, etc. I also have the concerns about what I will do with myself when my husband dies and I have spent more than a few days crying over the loss of my cat who is only 5 years old.

I wish I knew how to distract myself. But it's so hard. I don't seem to have enough energy to get my ass off the couch, let alone distract myself with something enough to stop these thoughts. Maybe I will try the shaking of the head method.

i have similar experiences. so obviously i cant help with tips on how to stop them (sorry).
sometimes ill have an impuslive negative thought about someone, even if i dont know them...then i become super guilty and beat myself up about it and hate myself for being such a horrible person.

i constantly worry about people dying...especially my boyfriend. we're 9 years apart and i worry about him dying and leaving me alone. so when he's smoking a cigarette or doing something that is taking more time off of our time alive together i get really mean and b*tchy and i will nag at him because all i can think about is him getting sick and dying.

i often regret things that i think or say about people. especially when they're impuslive.
i have a hard time deciding whether or not im a nice person or a mean person. when im being nice or mean (whether its out loud or in my head) i do it in extremes. theres no balance.

and lately ive been having really brutal dreams that are horribly vivid. ill see bodies being thrown off cliffs and be able to hear and see them "splat". or ill be stabbing someone to death or watching someone do it... perhaps its my medication.

but my every day weird thoughts are all my own. yay.

rabeeto wrote:
i often regret things that i think or say about people. especially when they're impuslive.
i have a hard time deciding whether or not im a nice person or a mean person. when im being nice or mean (whether its out loud or in my head) i do it in extremes. theres no balance.

Agreed! I have that problem too. I can't decide if I am a nice person, or even if I WANT to be a nice person. Then it switches and I talk about how people don't have respect and I hold doors open for strangers and smile warmly at the elderly. Then the next day I hate everyone and I hiss at children (yes, I have done that to annoying kids who stare), etc etc.

Wow, I have also had these thoughts and one that always sticks in my head, is a vivid thought of my parents becoming ill and eventually dying, that happened just before both actually did, so this really effects me.

Lately I have had horrible vivid dreams of my children being harmed or killed and I wake up feeling like an elephant stood on my stomach and chest all night, or like I had held my breath all night and I spend all teh following day trying to recover my breath.

It is distressful and is happening quite a bit.

What is this?

CTandMT wrote:Wow, I have also had these thoughts and one that always sticks in my head, is a vivid thought of my parents becoming ill and eventually dying, that happened just before both actually did, so this really effects me.

Lately I have had horrible vivid dreams of my children being harmed or killed and I wake up feeling like an elephant stood on my stomach and chest all night, or like I had held my breath all night and I spend all teh following day trying to recover my breath.

It is distressful and is happening quite a bit.

What is this?

Some people believe that dreams are your brain's way of working out your thoughts, fears, stresses, etc. I have no idea why these dreams seem to be so vivid and frightening. I wish they would stop. I get periods where I have nightmares every single night, for weeks straight, that I am being violently murdered. It is seriously disturbing. Out of curiosity, I did some research, and apparently dreams of being murdered/murdering someone else signify inner turmoil of the person having the dream. The dream can also represent confusion on an important life decision, intense stress, low self esteem, lack of self control, etc.

Yes it is distrurbing and exhausting and I know I have confusion on an important life decision, intense stress, low self esteem, lack of self control, etc., so it makes sense. Panic attacks in one's sleep are tough. Like I said, I wake up unable to breath and with that feeling of dread...you know like something awful happened or is about too. I hope they stop soon. Good luck to you as well.

I highly recommend reading The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle. This will teach you how we let our minds control us and will set you free from all the crazy thoughts. It helped me big time.