Devaluation: Does it Reverse? What is the Process?

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Hi....In my experience with my bpdex.....devaluation does reverse, but only for a little while. Once the honeymoon period is over, it is a downward spiral.....all that you believe you "had" between you, was not what you thought. The honeymoon period was not about you as a person, rather more about what he needed you to be for him ( if that makes sense ) After the first devaluation.....it gets much much worse. When he needs you again for a while he will be back, when he doesnt he will discard you, its not about you at all, its about what he needs. Thats not ment to sound bad, its just in my experience....thats the way it is ! There is no going back to what it was, because he cant sustain it or cope with it.....the honeymoon period isnt real ......I know that it feels real..............but it isnt.....you have to try and remember that. I found out that my ex had been seeing somebody ( for just 5 weeks ) when I met him ( I vaguely know this person). Apparantly he had already told her that he loved her and had found his soulmate. When he met me he said I was the best thing that had ever happened to him......And now that he is with somebody new he tells me that she is " really special " Do you see what I mean....in someway people are interchangeable, they are desperately looking for love, think they have found it ( without really getting to know somebody) Realise they haven't...devalue.....and really thats it ! It doesnt get any better from then on. The hardest thing for a non to truly come to terms with ( in my opinion ) is that we are not really that "special"...but in fact, very interchangeable.....hope I didnt sound too cynical

We are now NC; how long does the devaluation go on? Is this an endless spiral down with no end; falsehoods to justify cutting me off? Is this "it" and I won't hear back from my friend/lover any more?

I want to clarify that NC has a specific definition. The purpose of NC is emotional detox so that you can more clearly assess the situation. The silent treatment is not NC. The silent treatment is punitive and abusive. Also, laying low while waiting out the term of your banishment does not count as NC. I don't know what that's called. Regardless, it's very unhealthy. Believe me, I have personal experience as a "banishee."

Or is devaluation part of the splitting black process, and will be followed by splitting white, and then contact?

Of course devaluation is part of the splitting black "process" which isn't a process at all but a pattern. Processes produce positive outcome. NC is a process. The idealization/devaluation dance is not. That is an abusive cycle of pushing and pulling.

It's imperative the BPDer devalue you so they may create a story about how truly horrible/grotesque/slutty/fraudulent/banal/etc. you are. Why they do this is a whole other story. You really should only care about what they do. How they treat you. How you feel.

If the BPDer is able to revise their story of you back into idealization, you'll be getting a text message to the effect of "Hope you're doing well."

Rinse. Repeat.

Also, it's impossible to be permanently split white. Permanent black splitization (new word, made it up), otoh, is guaranteed.

Deleted by user.

...interested in appearances rather than actually being caring.

Inability to love unconditionally. And it hurts to be on the receiving end of it, I know.

I must say that I am surprised to find myself in this situation, as I thought I'd resolved this one with many years of therapy. Maybe (and I can hear the red flags on the forum waving, yes), if my friend *who is kind* and I work this out, we would have freed ourselves of this once and for all.

We all have blind spots. Human interaction helps dredge up some of the things not caught during therapy. It's OK. Healing is a process (theme of the week!).

You cannot free yourself with another person. You can only do it yourself. Healthy r'ships require emotional detachment, not attachment. You are obviously further down the path than your friend, so much of your time would be spent dragging him through the muck. Or attempting to drag. People don't change for other people. They only change for themselves. We can only change for ourselves.

analogue, even if you don't cut ties immediately, you'll be fine. Just stay on your course and always remember what a kind, caring, decent person you are. Authentically so. Protect your gifts from those who squander them.

Does it cause a BPD distress or pain to devalue? Will (or can) a BPD successfully subvert what would otherwise be natural empathy toward the person they've devalued?