scared..closer to giving up on everything

im 22 years old i have bpd and currently im not getting any treatment becuz i dont have health insurance right now, and im not taking any medication either. i havnt been getting any kind of help, treatment, or anything of that sort. mostly cuz my life is so unstable right now. im trying to find a job, i had an interview and im waiting to hear back, i think it went really good. if i dont get the job ill possibly be homeless again and i really dont want to be. im really scared that something bad will happen and i dont want to kill myself. i cant sleep anymore, i hardly eat anymore, i smoke pot pretty much on a daily basis, its the only thing that can help me relax for a little bit. i cant handle these bpd symptoms anymore its driving me crazy. i feel so alone. i just drive myself crazy thinking about stuff constantly, my mind never shuts off. i feel like im gunna lose it and i dont wanna feel like this anymore. why do i have to suffer like this? its not fair, i feel like im in hell trapped inside my head.....i feel so empty

Hi Tara, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I am glad you had a good interview, this is great and shows you have not given up! I hope it works out well, but keep trying. Maybe you kind find a free clinic for therapy and maybe even meds. Otherwise you can always come here to get support and not feel alone.

I do know all about the racing thoughts that consume you. I am finding if I start to think of positive things, even a little and not think the worst always, it helps and little by little it can get better. It is also good to have someone to talk to.

Take care,
CT

Find a free clinic.
Tell them you're suicidal. The state, assuming you're in the US, will take you in for a while.
It's not ideal, but it's something to do.
You'll get some help and you'll have a place to live, for sure.

Other than that...

I know it probably feels like you're trying to tread water in a storm...
I was there about a week ago and I'm finally feeling better.
Just keep your head above water.
That's really all you can do...
Sooner or later the storm clouds part and you'll get some sunshine.

Honey, I agree call a hot line and tell them you are at your ropes end. These programs can refer you to a support group/social services. Don't give up that there is no one and don't feel embarrassed. My belief is suffering occurs so others can help.

Feel proud that you are smart enough and aware enough to know you have an issue and there is help out there. I love you.