breakup

Hello,

I have just recently ended a relationship with a BPD when I overheard him having a conversation with another girl he met on a dating site. This happened after he was toying with the idea of marriage with me. We have had numerous breakups, endless cycles of really good times followed by horrible times. I knew he was BPD and I thought I could handle it but this time I can not. I did my research on BPD and thought I was going in it with open eyes and could be somewhat prepared for all the dsyfunction but instead I lost myself. I I have been physically, verbally and emotionally abused by him, him being the first one ever, I never thought I would never stay in a relationship like that but I have until now. I would appreciate any advice and help understanding this last year. I wonder what happened to me to settle for this. As I write this I miss him dearly and am still weepy. Any ideas for staying away, this has to be the last time. Why does he draw me in, what do I get from this, I am questioning my own sanity.

Thank you for taking the time to read this
\Vicki

Vicki,

I think that you should look at this from a purely relationship point of view, and then you'll recognise that he and you were just not right for each other. Plus, he abused you. So, BPD or not, he was a terrible boyfriend and you ideally didn't want to be with him for the rest of your life, right? Was he actually diagnosed with BPD?; or did he just say that he has it?

As I have been destroyed twice by faled relationships, I think I know the best way of getting over them: Erase his number, email, and everything else that links you to him. Also, don't read any messages he sensd which actually make it through to you. Just delete them straight-away instead. I think that people miss 'love' when they break-up with someone, but they don't miss the actual person they were with. He abused you and made you feel bad about yourself, and yet you liked the idea of being in love. Well, you can love someone else too, after you get through the current transitional period. Allow yourself to look at other people and think: 'wow, he's nice'.

Kevin

Thank you Kevin for sharing your thoughts. You made some good points. Right now I feel empty, sad and depressed. I should have mentioned I have PTSD and depression and often question if I also have BPD traits. Abandonment is one of my biggest triggers into the depths of hell. Probably explaining why it is so difficult for me to let go. I am also afraid to totally block him out of everything, not sure why I am hanging on. Yes he was dx by a professional and goes to a therapist. I am sorry that you were slayed by 2 previous relationships. How are you doing now? Did you learn about yourself going thru those experiences? I hope to gain insight into myself and some answers to why I stayed so long. I did feel we shared a most profound connection but now I am not sure of anything, don't really know what is real and what isn't. It's all so confusing and mixed up. Thank you again.
Vicki

I have to admit... this is not one of our (BPDers) traits... and I'm sorry that you were a victim of it.

If it's any consolation, and I know it's not, he didn't mean to be the way he is.

Truth is, there is no preparation for a relationship with a BPDer. My boyfriend thought he had it down pat, too, but he's learning he's wrong. I'm pretty subdued, but not always, and it's taking a toll on him, too. I have forced myself to not run rampant like I did in my last relationship. I'm still cutting myself on pieces of THAT broken heart... but it's getting better.

For you...
I'd recommend some talk therapy... I live to see my shrink, actually. I'm not sure what I'd do without our monthly breakdown. It rejuvinates me for the month to come and prepares me for everything. If nothing else, talking it out and having someone understand you helps get it out of you.
Also... I recommend not jumping into another relationship until you're mended. If you're as broken as most BPDer victims... and we've seen our share of them around here, you need some healing time.

We're here, me especially, if you need us.

Thank you smile Xx....it really helps to see others perspectives. My goal is to learn from this relationship and move forward with some insight ....it is going to bit tricky though because I have diffuculty with his BPD and my BPD traits as my Psych said I have. It is so confusing to figure out if I was exhibiting my BPD traits or reacting to his BPD as a NON would. I want to except responsibility for my part in the demise of the relationship but I don't know which end is up. you mentioned that the was not a trait of BPD....were you referring to the abuse? this resulted from his anger which he could no longer control verbally when he thought I was being unfaithful, which I was not but he was. I feel like I have been turned inside out and I want to learn how to slowly return right side right mending myself in the process and be introspective into my own behavior as well as his.

thank you Vicki

An addendum to the previous....my biggest question right now is where do I belong....as a Non or BPD....

I'll just reply briefly, Vicki, because SmileXx is here now and she knows more about BPD than I do. You asked me how I'm coping after my previous two turbulent relationships: i'm doing completely fine now (erlationship/love-wise), and I can only see positives in every negative I've endured in my past. that's the way I now think about things that go wong - i.e. there's something good to come out of them.

Kevin

Why does it matter how you classify yourself? You know your experience, you know how you feel, you know what your thought process is. Plenty of people with no diagnosis (official or actual) get angry, overreact, behave irrationally, hurt others, etc. Work on identifying how you feel and where those feelings drag your thinking and your behavior. Try to determine (with professional help as necessary/appropriate) when you might be overreacting or losing your perspective, and work on the areas that are giving you pain.

You're allowed to feel sad and angry about a breakup regardless of your psychiatric diagnoses. I think that if people (myself included) spent more time assessing their own state and not attributing behaviors/thoughts/feelings to an 'illness' or 'syndrome' they would improve their lives much more quickly. Sure, understanding that people with BPD (or OCD or whatever) tend to have certain stereotypical reactions and behaviors might help focus our attention on those things, but holding so tightly to a diagnosis doesn't seem to help much - at least not for me.

SmileXx wrote:I have to admit... this is not one of our (BPDers) traits... and I'm sorry that you were a victim of it.

This was supposed to read "this is not one of our BETTER traits"
Typing fail.

Many people exhibit BPD traits.
Everyone feels empty sometimes...
Everyone is scared to be alone...
What makes you BPD is not that you have the traits, but that this single aspect of your personality is amplified so much that it takes over your life.
I'm betting that you're exhibiting the traits more now, as a result of the toxic relationship, not because you're BPD.
There are lots of Nons that get the same false-alarm because, in general, people in relationships will start to mimic each other a bit. BPDers will mimic to the point of becoming a carbon copy of their mate, if they're trying to keep said mate around and interested... but Nons... they pick up our traits because we inflict the very things we fear... abandonment, abuse...

I don't think you're BPD... just temporarily exhibiting signs.
Don't worry, you're normal, and your only error in this relationship was thinking that you could handle it.
It's a lot to deal with. No one faults you for it.

Hey, Melissa.

I know exactly how you feel. I guess I should apologize because I don't really have any advice to offer seeing as how I'm in the same position and in search of my own answers. I kind of wanted to thank you because just hearing about other people dealing with the same issues helps. I know what it's like to start questioning your own behavior too. I was with my ex BPD girlfriend for a little over a year and as time went on, it slowly became worse and I found myself acting in ways and doing things I never imagined I would. The only thing I've come to realize is that I'm responsible for my own actions and am the only one in control of me. I've been through the abuse, physically, verbally, etc. I've been through the recurring break-ups. Last month she left me for good and I already have the impression that she's more than over me... or at least able to act like it. I know the hurt. The desperate feeling of missing them even though a silenced part of you knows it's not a good idea. It's hard not to think about all the good things they were for/to you and oh, how the good times seemed so good. I just do my best to concentrate on all the things that made me unhappy. The bad outweighed the good and that's my main focus. If a relationship is a lie, it's not fair for either people. I also tried my best to understand BPD and thought I was prepared for everything she could throw at me. I read books, articles, websites, talked to a family member that is a mental health professional, etc. All it did was make me more frustrated when I failed. 90% of the time it was me trying to fix a break-up. This time, I haven't made the effort and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. She's my first love and I don't even know how to begin getting through this, let alone getting over someone in general. If it helps, know you're not alone. It helps me at least. Some days seem unbearable and some are easier than others. Every now and then though I'm actually distracted enough to where for a brief moment, I catch myself in a good mood and actually feel happy. These moments give me hope in knowing that I'll be okay. I know it won't be for awhile but it's there. Just try to focus on the things you didn't like about the relationship. Things you know you don't want in your life and shouldn't go back to. I would also refer you to this site but you've already found it. There are a lot of good people on here that all share a common interest and understanding from both sides. Everyone has been very nice and helpful so check back in when needed.