Struggling with my mind,body and soul.

As a person who has struggled with an eating disorder for years I know that only someone who has gone through the exact same struggle can understand it so I'm asking those who suffer for support.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always felt off and abnormal. Lately I've been reading more and more about BPD and it seems to fit me like a glove. Of course I cannot be diagnosed over a computer but it would be helpful to have some insight and advice, a feeling of "Hey, I've been there too." I guess an incentive to make me see a therapist. I haven't had much success in the past.

I'm going to try to make this as short as I can while painting a sort of clear picture about myself.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm losing it. I am irritable all the time, angry and empty. This emptiness has come and gone all my life.

I have had people tell me I am anti-social and people tell me that I am the complete opposite. I have had people tell me I have no self-esteem and I have had people tell me I'm a confident girl.


I'm manipulative but I've never been called that because I am that 'good". I will use people to get what I want.

I can change to fit other people's personalities.

At times I know who I am and many other times I am lost. This is hard to admit because I'm such a character in public.

If a friend does something wrong, I will cut them out and believe they are not to be trusted until they do something good. If they do something good, I will open my heart up to them and make them my favourite person until they mess up again.

I have a fear of abandonment and rejection and sometimes I will push people away to give myself some kind of power and control over the situation. I have "left" my fiance more than a few times.

I am impulsive. Some things are too embarrassing to share. I have shop lifted and stopped because I got caught when I was 18.

I have felt on top of the world, like I am God's gift and I have felt like I am worth less than the gum under my shoes.

I have had paranoid episodes. Just the other day I thought my fiance was talking to his ex-wife even though is completely unrealistic. It last for about a minute.

My moods change all the time. I can be happy for a few hours then one thing can set me off and I'll be completely negative. Sometimes I'll go weeks feeling 'high' and then weeks feeling low. There is no set pattern of my mood swings.

My emotional states are extremely intense. I can almost feel like I'm on some kind of drug when I'm happy. Full of energy and life and inspiration. And then I can think about dying when I'm low and how there's nothing and no one to live for.

BUT I can also control my emotions very well. Even when I had just been through something that society would label as traumatizing, I have the ability to 'snap' out of it. The feelings will eat me up and come and go but I manage to just shut them up for a while.

I keep tabs on my fiance and he doesn't know it because I believe he is up to something even when I don't have any evidence to back it up. And I justify it to myself because I have a right to protect myself because no one is to be trusted.

I am funny, witty and strong to most people. I like being the one people come to for support. I like being the one making the difference but then I need to be taken care of too even though I don't always show it.

There is a lot more but I want this post to be tolerable. Feel free to ask questions if it helps.

you and i have a lot in common.
but i cannot diagnose you just like the computer wouldn't be able to adequately.
do you see anyone (therapist, etc.) ?

Slightly_Insane, we also have very much in common!

I went through a tough time and a tumultuous situation, which really brought out the worst of the BPD traits!
Before that I thought I was bipolar, but I don't fit the DSM, because I don't have true mania either, but I do have some out-of-control episodes and rage etc. Also Like you, I can control myself in some situations and in other more personal relationships that I care about, I cannot. I think this is referred to as high functioning, because like any illness, there is a full a spectrum of presentations.

Here are some interesting links:
http://www.aapel.org/bdp/BLsyntheseUS.html
http://www.realmentalhealth.com/persona ... der_03.asp
http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/types.shtml

I am finally admitting I have a real problem and am trying to get help (because my eating disorder has landed me in the ER twice in the last 6 months) and because I have bad depression and some episodes of public rage, but I am finding it hard to get help, because the same skills that allowed me to hide my condition and appear high-functioning, continue to fool even the professionals!