BPD and Unfaithfulness

i cheated on my boyfriend of 2 years about a year and a half ago...i still dont totally understand it. it was close to our 1 yr anniversary. i think that may have scared me, plus perhaps i wanted to see if he would stay. its not like he just accidently found out, i literally called him as i was walking out of the other guy's door and told him.
i dont really fear that ill do it again. i really do love him a LOT, and never want to hurt him like that again.

i dont worry a lot about it happening again, but i DO have a history of being promiscuous before he and i got together.
iiii dont know!
its hard to decipher the difference between me and the illness sometimes.

Rabeeto-- you sound so much like the girl I dated. Although she wasn't cheating on me, she did a lot of things to really f--- things up on purpose I think, and maybe to see if I would stay.

She was remarkably, and stupidly honest too. Your situation is a perfect example, you probably could've easily gotten away with what you did, but went out of your way to tell him. Glad to hear you are committed to never hurting him again though.

What really kills me about what you guys do is, you usually do awful things just out of fear of being left by us, or not loved by us. In some sick, twisted way, it's kind of flattering that the thought of not having you love us would drive you to such extreme measures.

She would always mess up whenever she got some idea in her head that I might not care about her, or love her-- and it's hard to be mad at somebody for that reason. Sure, I was furious at her actions, but the reasons just always somehow worked in her favor.

It's just really frustrating...

She would always mess up whenever she got some idea in her head that I might not care about her, or love her

yep.whenever something small implies (or maybe not) that perhaps he's going to leave or he's starting to question his feelings for me, i usually go off the deep end.
i start having intense anxiety attacks, and really suicidal thoughts/actions. even though i know in the back of my mind that those behaviours will just make my illusions a reality.
its such a sh*tty and complicated illness. none of it makes rational sense, but the emotions completely take over and we are no longer in control. its not a choice to act like an idiot ( a word i use for how i act, not implying other BPD's are idiots) over small situations, believe me.
just like the cheating thing- it was before i was diagnosed but i think it had something to do with it. it didnt make sense, i KNEW it would hurt him and i did NOT want to break-up at all. but i still did it. makes no sense.

rabeeto wrote:just like the cheating thing- it was before i was diagnosed but i think it had something to do with it. it didnt make sense, i KNEW it would hurt him and i did NOT want to break-up at all. but i still did it. makes no sense.

she said the same exact things, but when she did I didn't believe her, because she obviously had an incentive to lie.

You on the other hand have no reason to lie to strangers on an anonymous forum, so I believe you...makes no sense yeah-- it's a really f------ up illness.

On the other hand, it's like, how can you even be mad at that? Obviously, if I were your bf I'd flip the f--- out on you. Being a 3rd party here though, it's hard to really hold this stuff against you.

I've always maintained that deep down inside, EVERYBODY has a choice-- BPD or NON-- but then again, I have no idea what it's like...

It is hard to explain.....

Like I remember those who gave me extraodinary amounts of attention, but if I sensed (or imagined) that were pulling away at all it would set me into motion imaging all kinds of things and then yes I would do somehing blatantly stupid...and I knew it!

It's a vicious cycle .....

The more you want the relationship, the closer you are...the worst it is

The unfaithfulness, is like a testing thing...I guess

But I am trying extra hard now.....wish me luck!