New...therapy issues. Please help!

Hi...I'm new here, but a long time lurker. Reading everyone's stuff on this forum has given me so much insight and has made me feel far less alone in my own head.

I'm almost positive I have BPD, but I don't have the confidence to suggest this to doctors. Rejection in any aspect KILLS me. I have my first therapy session today (had a meet and greet last week) and I don't know how to NOT be fake with her. People tend to think I'm okay because I'm so fake with them. Only my boyfriends and my kids see the real me. I put on such a front and focus on my appearance so much, that people generally think I am fine. I'm not. I'm a monster, and a friggin mess.

How do I act like myself? I just don't know. Because I don't know my real self. I told her (therapist) last week that I think I may have BPD, and she wants to work on some self esteem stuff for the next few months before doing an assessment. That's not what I want. I seriously feel like I need sooooo much more than that. And I need meds. Mood stabilizers. I'm destroying everything around me.

Please...any advice on how to be myself would be so appreciative.

I know how hard it can be to open up to a shrink.
I have 3 because of it.

I started with one that just asked me questions and assessed me from there.
Simple questionaire.
Then I got one to just talk to...
It took a while to be able to tell her anything... but I'm working on that and can open up to her mostly because she's just familiar enough to be a familiar stranger. I know nothing about her and she knows everything about me... kind of like the internet. Lol.

Look... if you think you need more than "self esteem work" you need to tell your shrink.
If you have to sit down and type out a "look, I'm faking a personality with you and this is how I tend to act" letter and just give it to her because you can't SAY it... then do it.
Have your bf or even your kids, if they're old enough (like 10+ is what I think is old enough for a testimonial) come and tell her about you, or write something down for her about you.
Outside opinions are important because you have a filter on your own perspective of yourself and others don't.

I had to do that with my mom.
She wrote down a description of what I'm like and put it in a sealed envalope that I gave to my shrink without reading.
It was important to me that I didn't know what my mom said, because I wasn't sure I could handle it.
It was ahrd and I didn't like doing it, but once she knew how I could be... that I cycled and that I seemed so hopeless sometimes... that I was so angry about something but couldn't find words to tell someone... that I could be violent and all these other things that I never saw myself as but knew other people did...
Well my treatment went from "tell me about what's bothering you today" to "what makes you angry? why do you feel empty?"

She could ask the right questions.

It's just a suggestion...
Worked for me...
I'm getting better... ish...
I'd be a lot better with meds... maybe we'll try again one day with those.