I Think I May Have Figured Out One of My Problems

Over the past few years, I've come to realize that my identity is an inconsistent mess. I don't want to say I've grown used to that, but I have become fairly complacent and apathetic about it over the last year or so.

What I've realized recently, though, is that barring the idea that I don't even know who I am, my problem seems to be rooted in the fact that I honestly don't know who I want to be either. I always have ideas. Ideas that maybe I should focus on making myself more like "this" or "that", but nothing actually sticks out and feels comfortably "me". The concept of "myself" sometimes seems like it's just an inch away, and as soon as I grab it, I realize it wasn't what I wanted at all. At the point it retreats to galaxies away once again.

Added in with that, I seem to feel very odd lately. I think it's because I've been taking Ativan for roughly a year and a half now, every day. I have toned down my usage of it to far lesser quantity daily, but I can't seem to get off of it. I tried a couple of weeks ago, and I landed up terribly ill with withdrawals.

See, my effects on this medication seem to be... Not right. Maybe others would prefer to feel how I do now (apathetic, etc.). I know that sometimes I love the feeling. And it tones down my anxiety slightly - though, not by much. The issue is that, well, I can't think. And if I can't think, I feel even more depersonalized. My imagination seems far less attainable than it once was, along with my long-gone ability to quickly assess and comprehend a situation. Now it takes a while.

I know these ARE the natural side effects of the drug, but it's still a bloody nuisance to try and deal with when you can't formulate a well enough plan to actually do so...

ativan every day for a year . . . eeeh, maybe not the best thing.

The identity issue has always fascinated me, because even though I have it myself, it's never caused me any conscious stress, because I think that it's a position everyone is in. People don't find true identities, they just find a way to appear as though they have. And the constant pressure to "be yourself" (really, how is this possible when the command comes from someone else??? So you weren't until this outside force told you to, and now you're satisfying their demand . . . is this really any more a true identity than a "fake" one?) is relatively new in society, due to certain ideological factors . . .

That's not totally what I mean, but a Lacanian would kind of get it.

anyway ativan is one of the worse benzos for addiction. An idea for tapering off them might be to talk to a doctor about switching to Valium. In any case, talking to a doctor is probably the best idea period.

I have a psychiatrist, but it's not an ideally typical situation because, to be honest, I don't feel terrible, nor do I feel I need much help with anything. I just feel odd, tinged in with slightly comfortable periods (which I suppose makes it all the more odd). It's something I've grown accustom to, anyways.

I understand what you mentioned about identity, and the idea that it's mostly a social construct is something I was thinking about a while back. Nevertheless, within my own personal being - regardless of the outside world - there needs to be a sense of consistency. Unfortunately, that consistency is, well, inconsistent. It comes and it goes. And along with the inconsistency comes depersonalization.

I guess the point I was trying to make was that I assert myself to the belief that a person can be who they truly believe they are within themselves, or who they truly believe they aught to be. The issue is that I can't figure either of those two out. Though, I suppose I have an idea some of the time. But like I mentioned earlier, consistency seems to be the key factor as things appear and disappear in my mind depending on the general circumstances of living.

The thing with the Ativan is a double-edged sword. As soon as I go off of it (whether tapered or not), my anxiety will sky-rocket. But if I continue to take it, my cognitive functions may disintegrate. I do have plans to deal with them both through other relaxation methods, but when that'll happen is up to other circumstances. I think that's why I posted here. Just to sort of vent it out. In retrospect, it was a bit of a blog-type post. More of a need to communicate outwards for a short while, I think.

Thanks for the reply, though.

I'm not medicated...
The meds made me feel numb or they gave me awful side effects.
It didn't help that I have issues taking meds regularly... but when I did those were the effects I got.

So I run around unmedicated...
Takes a lot of self-control.

I haven't quite been able to find myself either.
I spent so much energy mimicing other people... trying to be perfect for them... that I lost myself somewhere...
There are some things I can tell you.
I love the colors red, black and green.
I like horror movies, b movies and black and white movies.
I'm partial to grunge and post-grunge bands.
I hate pink and being drunk.
I bite my nails when I'm nervous or stressed... right down to the quick...
I don't particularly like candy, but chocolate goes with everything.
That's really about it...

I've figure out that I like to wear black above all else.
I hate high heels and stopped wearing them, mostly.
That's about where I stand, really.

I'm trying to find myself... and it's been really hard...
That's a hard person to lose, so finding them is just as hard.
Sooner or later I'll find me, though....

Hi Air Captain,

Part of the problem with my own personality inventory is that I didn't like the things that were consistent. Could this be the same thing with you? That you're unconsciously rejecting certain facets of yourself because you don't want them as part of you?

For me, it turned out that I'm actually quite shy...and I hated that, so for the longest time I kept it out of my "inventory." Of course, in a depressed state, given my fluctuating moods, I'm likely to see (or even imagine) a lot of things about myself that I don't like...even qualities that I wouldn't mind in other people.

I don't normally discuss meds, but clonazepam/Klonopin worked wonders for me. It took away just enough anxiety to make me think clearly. I wonder what your psychiatrist would say about it? The withdrawal from it sucks, too. I nearly offed myself a couple of months ago when I didn't take them for 2 days (ssshhh). I've been on it for about... oh my gosh...well over 2 years now! And I'd say that my tolerance for it hasn't increased all that dramatically.

Anyway, that's my 2 copper.

--Frayed

Part of the problem with my own personality inventory is that I didn't like the things that were consistent. Could this be the same thing with you? That you're unconsciously rejecting certain facets of yourself because you don't want them as part of you?

Possibly, yes. Sort of a "reconstruction" of my mind, if you will. And most of the time, the things I don't consider part of myself aren't unconscious. Some of the time, they are. But I seem to be aware of what I'm rejecting as a personality trait. And at a later stage, I might reconsider it as one.

And yeah. I've heard a lot of good things about Klonopin in regards to this. I tried to get my doctor to allow me to try that, but he had some issues. I don't exactly know why, but I'll ask him again next time I see him. I know he mentioned something about Ativan leaving your system entirely after you use it, but Klonopin isn't as easy to get rid of as it forms some kind of build up over time. I don't know if I'm explaining that properly, but that's the easiest way to explain what I do remember him saying.

I've been trying to get a prescription for that for ages now, in order to switch to Klonopin. There seems to be some sort of bias against it in my area, I suppose. I don't think I ever really explain well my reasoning for wanting it, so maybe I should try to better explain it to the psychiatrist when I next see him.

I think the main reasons is the withdrawal symptoms that it has. I've mentioned mine... Also, some people develop a tolerance more quickly than others. My psychiatrist told me this. He said that some folks can be on it for years and still take their usual 1 to 2 pills a day, and that others rapidly begin to munch them like candy. So it's really individual-specific.

Klonopin does build up over time, I believe, so it must be used carefully. The withdrawal symptoms are BAD.

I came to my psychiatrist with a detailed recovery plan, and he agreed to prescribe them to me. I specifically said that I can cognitively process the issues that I have, but I have extreme trouble doing that while my anxiety is so high. So I needed something I could take before a "self-therapy" session that would stay in my system for a bit longer than something like Xanax, so I could process what I had set out to do and then have enough of the medication in my system to help with the post-session wind-down period. Worked wonders.

Just sharing my experience...I hope that you get the right meds. I think that the worst that can rationally happen is that the psychiatrist tells you to get back on the Ativan.

Still, talk it over. I would at least like to see you get a full, detailed, satisfactory explanation of his reasoning behind the meds.

--Frayed

Yeah. At the moment, I'm relatively fine (or as fine as I can be in this current situation). Like I mentioned in my original post, I've just felt slightly odd lately with regard to certain things. So there's no need for me to rush into different doses or different medications at the moment, which I'm sure you'd agree with. I think I just need to find a calm way to process myself off of Ativan, as well as to lower my anxiety while doing so.

And there are quite a lot of options I've had in mind, from various therapies to relaxation techniques, etc..

But thanks for your reply(ies). It was actually quite helpful.

No problem. I didn't mean to sound so pushy. It's kind of like when I'm having a great piece of cake: I insist that everyone else has a piece, too.

I'm glad things are as good as they can be. Have a restful night. Keep in touch.

--Frayed

[qu[u][/u]ote="FrayedEndOfSanity"]No problem. I didn't mean to sound so pushy. It's kind of like when I'm having a great piece of cake: I insist that everyone else has a piece, too.

I'm glad things are as good as they can be. Have a restful night. Keep in touch.

--Frayed[/quote]


Crap... now I want cake...

FOODPORN!!!