Doormat to Doorman

Sorry in advance as I'm not really sure where to post this but I've been dating an amazing girl with BPD for over a year now and I've spent the entire relationship being a doormat. I was deployed to Iraq 6 months ago which has been a relationship hurdle of course. I'm home for a 2 week leave and after 2 days together, we got in a fight and haven't talked for about 4 days now. She slowly keeps deleting posts I've made on her facebook. I don't know if this is out of hope that I'll notice or what but the day after our fight I sent her a text saying, "I love you," which she replied, "Stfu." I haven't tried since. I guess it's not so much that situations like this haven't happened before but I don't want to spend my short time home like this. Whenever this happens I usually just end up apologizing regardless of the circumstances and try to take fault and spend the time fixing our relationship. I don't know if it's just habit now but I know at one time I did this because I love her very much and holding my ground wasn't worth missing her. She makes it so seem so easy to just not care and not even think about me at times like this, while it eats at me. I don't know, I guess I'm just wondering if there are things I can do that won't drive her away completely but allow me to stand up for myself for a bit and not be such a pushover.

BPDers like 2 kinds of people....
The doormats... you...
And overly self-assured jerks...
You could try to be overly self-assured and tell her something like "you're sorry but that's just the way you are" or something.
My last bf was a doormat.
My current bf is a self-assured... well a jerk, but a sweet jerk.
So...
maybe you could try that?

I'm not really sure how I'd feel if my doormat had started being all... not doormatty, though.

Mateo wrote:Sorry in advance as I'm not really sure where to post this but I've been dating an amazing girl with BPD for over a year now and I've spent the entire relationship being a doormat.

If it's been a year, she's not likely to change. If you're happy most of the time, you could try placating her and apologizing. When I do this I want to know the person is putting effort into getting me back, so to speak.

I know it might seem pointless to try and change things up after more than a year. I just picture where our relationship is headed and I know that a marriage with the current situation would fall apart. Something has to change. I also hear a lot about people with BPD getting bored with doormats. All of her exes have been the jerky type, that's what she tells me at least, and ultimately ended up leaving her. She has a hard time with cutting off ties with exes too... but that's a seperate issue. I'm worried that eventually she'll get bored with walking all over me and move on... or even the idea that the only reason she's with me is because she's not used to being with a doormat and is enjoying it.

Mateo wrote:I'm worried that eventually she'll get bored with walking all over me and move on... or even the idea that the only reason she's with me is because she's not used to being with a doormat and is enjoying it.

Are you happy being a doormat then? I don't really understand.

She's going to get bored and leave you for another jerk.
It's what I did for years. I bounced back and forth between jerks and doormats...
They cancelled each other out in my mind or something.

I hate to say it, but there's not much you can really do to save this.

I'm not happy being a doormat but if it means not losing her then... I don't know. I don't really think I have it in me to be a jerk. When BPD isn't taking over, being a nice guy works fine. It's just frustrating because BPD aside, she's perfect for me and after over a year, I still can't find a balance.

I don't know, I guess I'm just wondering if there are things I can do that won't drive her away completely but allow me to stand up for myself for a bit and not be such a pushover.

The pathology of what you are dealing with means you're damed if you do, and damed if you don't. So go ahead and pick whichever self-damaging persona you like. It's all in vain anyway.

BPD aside, she's perfect for me

Oh...if it weren't for that one little nagging detail eh? The only person that can make the BPD go away is her...does this sound like a likely scenario?

I'm not happy being a doormat but if it means not losing her then... I don't know

.

Think harder,,,I think you do know.

In therapeutic circles, being a "doormat" = low self esteem.

Stop wasting your time trying to fix someone you can't fix, and spend it on someone you can...you.

I guess it just hurts that I get 2 weeks out of the year to be home and she prefers spending that time playing the delete me from online accounts and not talking to me game.

That was what I was about to say. Its incredibly selfish of her to act like this on your only 2 weeks off. That's enough of a reason to break up with her.

At the end of the day you can't be with someone with a PD so you have to break up with her at some point. Only then can you deal with you're own issues (for accepting that kind of behaviour in the first place). Stand up for yourself and get rid of her