Being Diagnosed with BPD

So after much deliberation from the psychiatric team from the early thoughts of psychotic symptoms with anxiety/low mood, to possible Avoidant Personality Disorder over the course of a year and a half it now turns out that the problem is Borderline Personality Disorder.

I found out after they suggested doing a Borderline Personality Disorder psychiatric test which was conducted by a personality disorder unit and the community psychiatric team. I never knew anything about this particular disorder before hand but when the questions were being asked and the questions appeared extremely relevant to what I'd been going through, I kinda knew that this was exactly the thing that has been causing me problems all these years.

Once I had finished doing the test the people who were conducting it turned around and said it's apparent that what you have and what you've been going through is Borderline Personality Disorder. But even though whilst answering the questions I had an inclination that this could be the problem, their answer still came as a bit of a shock. Whilst my treatment won't be any different that what I've received already it's still something I didn't expect.

Anyhow to cut a long story short I'm just wondering how you guys/girls reacted when you were told you have Borderline Personality Disorder? Was it a big shock to the system? Or was it something you presumed you may already have and were therefore relieved to be diagnosed with it?

Thanks.

For me it was emotional... I got a diagnosis, but had to do all the looking up myself... no support available where I live. It was hard reading through the first material I found online. It was hard but it was a relief too. My whole life was suddenly explained... all of it. I realised that I was not a bad person but that every thing I had done in my life that distressed me I could relate back to BPD. All those years of hurt. I was angry at not being diagnosed earlier, and particularly angry that I had been diagnosed 3 years previously but nobody bothered to actually tell me! Knowing then could have saved my marriage and another 3 years of trying to cope with the unknown.

I keep reading about stigma attached to BPD but I felt none. I have never heard of it before. For me it offers hope... thus my username. I spent years going to different counsellors and never getting anywhere. I was diagnosed as alcoholic when I was abusing alcohol and spent 7 years sober and on the program, but nothing got better for me. I was diagnosed as depressed by several GP's but no meds worked for me. I thought that I was just a worthless piece of crud. I couldn't hold down jobs, couldn't make my relationship with my wife work, couldn't function in any meaningful way, despite being intelligent. Being diagnosed took away a large portion of the pain associated with not knowing what was going on. I felt physically taller. That was weird because I am 6'2" anyway. I was holding my head up all of a sudden, aware of who I actually am and with a chance to actually recover. That is an amazing gift, one that I had all but given up hope on.

The last time I had been to a counsellor before diagnosis they asked me what I thought I would achieve from counselling. My answer was that I didn't believe I would achieve anything, that I was a lost cause, but I had to keep trying because there was no other action I could take. Now I have a purpose, a direction, something tangible that I can work on. I understand myself for the first time ever and I actually like myself. That alone is monumental.

People around me were saying, that it is going to be such hard work to sort myself out. They have no idea. Hard work was living with BPD undiagnosed. In fact I wasn't living. I was just waiting to die. How could the work needed to recover be any harder than that? It can't be. I am sure I will stumble and trip my way through recovery... but that is ok, so long as I make overall progress.

Diagnosis feels like it has given me a key to an actual life rather than just an existence. I am no longer so afraid of myself. I am overall positive about the future. I am hurting, but I understand the hurt now and I have learnt that it is possible to go through pain without taking action, and that by not reacting I do not make how I feel worse. Easier to say than to do, but I've managed it a few times now and will continue to build on it.

Another long winded rant from me..... but you asked! <grin>

For me diagnosis wasn't a huge surprise. I always knew there was something, but I didn't know what it was. I'd overcome anxiety and phobias on my own, unmedicated and with no therapy or anything previously, so on the other hand there WAS a false sense of being without any problems . . . however getting rid of anxiety and phobias just made the borderline stuff more apparent as time went on.

The surprises for me were when I started socializing more, and I started noticing that my perceptions and reactions to situations were overblown and strange. I'd thought everyone felt the way I did, or at least would see it as within the normal range. Realizing that this was not the case did surprise me. SO when the diagnosis came, it made sense, was a huge relief, and did not surprise me at all. It's like living for years with this stupid, poorly functioning subjective filter was lifted for a moment and I could see a different world. I was glad that my symptoms and bad thought patterns were something that professionals have studied and that other people get too. Labels are fine. They help. Give me all the labels you want, so I can figure out what to do next.

Hi After the fall,

I was diagnosed about 8 years ago. At first, I didn't even realize the extent of everything that it was. First, the Dx is a road map. I'm responsible for my own recovery. It's my responsibility to "teach" my loved ones how to respond to me. And my "teaching" them, I don't mean saying, "I have a fear of abandonment so that you always have to tell me that you're gonna be around."

It means telling my fiance, "I know that you want to comfort and help me right now, but please understand that right now, it's a cry for attention and nothing more." It's a reminder for him to not always carry me. I have to remind him that I'm gonna fall (a lot) while I re-learn to walk. And that he has to let me take a few falls--because it's not healthy for me to always lean on him.

This way, when I tell him that I'm truly having a problem, he recognizes that I truly want to work through something. So he helps me. Or he just listens while I make notes for my therapist and I to discuss together. Sometimes I ask that my fiance reads my notes, so that he is aware of what is going on in my treatment.

To me, that's what recovery entails. It's un-learning a lifetime of bad habits and defense mechanisms, and re-learning how to deal with problems in a healthier way.

It took me a while to realize that my symptoms included, but were not limited to, my DSM-IV criteria. It took me a long time to become increasingly more self-aware.

Now that I'm doing better, it's easier for me to remain mindful. And to differentiate between my old habits and the new ones I'm working toward instilling in myself.

Hope this helps. Like Alpha said in another post, BPD is not a life sentence. You CAN learn new, healthier ways of interacting with YOURSELF and with other people. It's gonna take time to learn these things. And you might be like me--years down the line, you realize that something isn't right and a lightbulb goes off. So I fix it.

Good luck to ya.

--Frayed