I think I have BDP and I don't know what to do.

It was recently suggested to me that I have BPD. A therapist had first suggested it to me, saying that's exactly what it sounded like. But more recently a friend said it as well, and I don't understand it all that well. I was told medication doesn't really help, is that true? I've been struggling with these feelings that I've had since I was 12 and I'll be 20 in a few months. For years therapists and such kept saying I had bipolar disorder, then they started saying I was just "depressed." One even had no idea what was going on with me. So I looked into it and found the best one I could and this is what she told me. I looked it up online and everything it says about it does match me. I've taken all kinds of medicine when I was told I had bipolar disorder, but never long enough to feel an effect, or it had a negative effect, or nothing changed at all.

What can I do? Even outside of having a therapist or whatever, what can I do for myself personally? What has helped you, or what do you know that does help? This is driving me crazy. I've been trying to "fix" myself and dealing with these feelings for so long and I don't know how much longer I can handle it.

I'll describe exactly what has been going on, but let me make this clear, this isn't just recently, this has literally been constant for almost 8 years now. This is very long term. And it's only been getting so much worse lately.

I feel empty. I feel hopeless. But then other times I'll be motivated, but it never lasts long. I'm never satisfied with my friends or boyfriend, and I always blame them for my anxiety and how I feel, so I end up making them into bad people and getting mad at them for no reason. I just want people to love me and all of that then I get so annoyed with them and I look for reasons to fight. Telling you my past relationship (romantic and otherwise) have been unstable would be an understatement. I feel so much hate and anger towards everyone. I know I make myself out to be the victim quite a bit but I don't mean to. I really don't. I change my mind about things constantly. I've been struggling with self-harm (cutting) for so many years, and have had frequent thoughts of suicide. How, when, why, all of that. I constantly feel sick. I'm always tired. Sometimes I just don't care. I lie so much. All the time. About stupid things for no reason. I do other self-harming things... I started having sex at the age of 14 and have had about 15 or so sexual partners since and I'm so ashamed of that, I hate myself for it, the way I drive, drugs, etc. I'm not currently using any drugs and I hate drinking to begin with. But I've done cocaine, pain killers, weed... Sometimes I feel like I'm the best person in the world, other times I completely hate myself and feel like I've ruined my life and everything just feels so damn hopeless. Like it's all so pointless. I love drawing and writing and music and I even lose motivation to do any of that. I can't sleep most nights. I don't WANT to go to sleep. I sometimes even get upset about it and I don't know why. Then I end up sleeping all day. I fight with everyone all the time. I'm beyond implusive. No matter how ad the impulse might be. And my anger is actually scary. IIt scares ME. I get ideas to do things, will start, but never finish. I worry about everything constantly, like something happening to my mother and crap about my boyfriend... I'm very antisocial and prefer to just stay in the house and that effects everything. It's such a hard thinig for me to get and keep a job. Or go to college or anything. I'm just so unhappy all the time. ALL THE TIME. It hurts so much. And I need something to help me. There's other things too, just these things are the most important.

I've been told I have an anxiety disorder, I've been told I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Bi Polar Disorder, depression... I'm sure there's more. But most recently it's been "Borderline Personality Disorder" and it does sound like me.

Please just help me out here. Give me some advice. Other than seeing a therapist, because I've been doing that. And I'm not too big on the idea of medication, but if I have to, I will. I just want other things I can do. I'm sick of being unhappy and tired and not feeling motivated. And being scared and paranoid and I just need something. Thanks so much.

Please just help me out here. Give me some advice. Other than seeing a therapist, because I've been doing that. And I'm not too big on the idea of medication, but if I have to, I will. I just want other things I can do. I'm sick of being unhappy and tired and not feeling motivated. And being scared and paranoid and I just need something. Thanks so much.

Hi rphoenix

You sound like you're really down right now. But from my point of view, you have already made steps in the right direction...you're self aware...you really sound like you want to change and are committed to doing it...you're reaching out. It's great that you are staying off the substance abuse, cause that is usually the first thing that needs to get cleared up before anything else can be done.

And you managed to land here...a safe place that you can unburden yourself of thoughts and feelings...and there are many really good people here that share your problems that you can relate to. Some of them are in the same spot as you...some of them are "recovered". You may even help others. Talking to and hearing from these people may provide you with a little release and relief that will make you feel that little bit better to motivate you to keep going and make great progress.

Welcome and good luck.

Hello me! That sounds very familiar. I went on undiagnosed for another 17 years though. Just been diagnosed a few weeks ago.
The way I understand it now is this.

1)My brain is broken.
2)In much the same way that a stroke victim can recover from it by teaching other parts of the brain to do the same as the stroke damaged part, we too can train our brains to work again (recovery).
3)I am not a bad person, I do not need to fear myself anymore because I understand those overwhelming feelings and thoughts. Just yesterday I wrote some of those dark thoughts down in this forum and it helped. It was a lot healthier for me than carrying them or redirecting them to somebody else.
4)Dialectical Behavioural Therapy seems to be the "cure" of the moment (developed specifically for BPD?), but Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a good bet too.
5)Some of us have other co-existing diagnosis. Some of us don't. Meds work for some of us, but many of us do not need medication. Meds can help with the more severe symtoms.
6)Create the biggest support network that you can. I am living in here a bit at the moment, but that is because I currently do not have access to any treatment.

What I am doing at the moment is picking little goals (for a few days it was not texting my ex while she was away with her bf). The impulse was strong and it took me a couple of goes before getting to go through 24 hrs of success. I am trying to not be hard on myself when I don't manage it, and praise myself even for partial success. What I have learnt is that awareness gives me the ability to change. I have made more progress in the last few weeks than throughout the rest of my life, and that is despite going through the hardest period of my life. . . . thus my name on this forum.

I swing a lot at the moment. I made a rule for myself to just write whatever I am feeling at that point in time. Otherwise I would be trying to present myself as something while feeling something else.... the act I needed in real life. I don't need that here or with people I trust (there are not many of them).

Let people who are close to you know about the condition and hopefully they will educate themselves on it. That will help to reduce the number of more extreme reactions, firstly because they will be a bit more careful around you (in the early days anyway) and secondly because it allows you to say "I'm sorry, I'm just reacting. Ignore anything I say right now". Although I have found that I have to go out of the room and chill out a bit first.

Others here will be able to give you much better advice than I can (and I'll be taking it too), but I wanted to post anyway, just to say, you're far from the only person in the world with this. Welcome to the forum. It will be ok.