Non-BPD DESPERATELY looking for help

I read about a lot of people with their relationships with BPDs and they are really a lot more messed up than mine was. In any case, I'm in my Senior year in college and dated a girl for a year and a half, and she's been thru it all. First off, she is smart, funny, and absolutely gorgeous. However, she was raped, sexually assaulted, saw a friend die, has a mom with biploar, really odd boyfriends, etc...when I met her I went thru most of which you guys wouldn't be surprised to hear. I stopped her from cutting, hitting herself, had to calm her during flashbacks, panic attacks, suicidality, etc. We also has numerous, heated arguments that led to us breaking up almost every week. Often she would try to make me jealous by flirting with other guys, or just start fights for no reason, often throwing things, screaming terrible insults at me, etc. I stood by her thru all of this because when she was actually healthy we were pretty amazing together. I always knew in the back of my mind that this girl was borderline, and biploar, and odds are it wouldn't work out. Then, I helped convince her to go to McLean Hospital, and seek DBT therapy. She definitely improved, and after that all of a sudden the relationship changed. She was an amazing girlfriend, did whatever she could to help me, was SO loyal to me, and basically everything I could have ever wanted. Last semester (Sept. 2009-Dec. 2009) things just skyrocketed. We practically lived together and hung out all the time. Still, I was able to find so much balance in my life. We go to Cornell University (which has a TON of work), but we both got good grades, moreover, I was able to hang out with my own friends, talk to my family, go to the gym, etc. Furthermore, she started to learn how to be a better gf by the day, we started watching football (which I love), going out on some weekends, she finally got along with my friends well, things were great! There were still issues ofcourse-- panic attacks, flashbacks, depression, psycho motor retardation-- but I was so committed thru all of this that anytime something happened we both found a way to get thru it. Crossword puzzles, games, massages, making her sandwiches, throwing a football when she became hyper, etc...pretty much anything you could imagine that would help her. Obviously, the relationship was imbalanced (which she felt really guilty about), but she was working so hard to correct it that I really believed in her and would give her time to correct everything. Also, we would still sometimes have fights that led to her screaming fits and episodes, but they virtually stopped for the final 3 months because she was put on Zoloft. We spent a month apart during Winter break which did send her into a very depressive spiral, but, she quickly rebounded and we just hit the ground running when we returned to school. This sounds like a really inspiring story right?!?! I mean, for months my friends and my family told me that we could never have a normal relationship, they would sit me alone in my room everyday and tell me to get out before I got hurt. Even they started to admit they were wrong, and we were really on our way. I made the mistake of really letting my guard down, I completely ignored the fact that she was bipolar and could change her mind any second. I really believed that this was the right girl for me, and that we would be together forever. Before I was honestly afraid of breaking up with her because she was so attached to me, but that stopped even being a possibility. She would talk about our wedding, kids, family, future, everyday, and I really started to believe we would have all of that.

When February started, all of a sudden everything just changed. We had a hard conversation where she told me that she was really worried about being long-distance, and that her therapist at McLean might tell her she has to break up with me because distance is so hard on her. Also because she was too dependent on me this year, and next year it would be a hard transition to be without me-- I was her whole life. I knew I was really in for a hard, hard time after that talk. The next day, petty fights just started up constantly for no reason. She soon went into a severe depressive state, to the point where she had seizure-like behaviors. Things turned really quickly, and became really bad. She stayed in my room for about 4 days straight and I had to carry her around everywhere. I had to get her every meal, call professors to tell them she was ill, carry her to the bathroom, etc. Her rape flashbacks also started up again, and the Zoloft completely took away her sex drive. As a result, her Body Image disorders just shot thru the roof, everything was going wrong. Then shortly before Valentine's day she came and told me she didn't know if she loved me anymore, obviously I was crushed! The next day she sent me a message, blocking me on facebook and saying she will no longer contact me because of advice from her parents and doctors. Her mom confirmed this, stating that she needs to become more emotionally dependent, mainly because she will not have me to take care of her 24/7 after this May. We have not seen each other, or spoken word since (nearly 3 weeks).

Can anybody explain this to me? I feel like I wasted 1.5 years of my life. Logically, I know life must go on and I have such a solid friends/family support base that getting thru this really hasn't been that bad. I'm still devastated though and think about her everyday. I dream about her every night. I hope to never hear from her again because I'm so angry, what kind of sick person gives you their life for 18 months, then just expunges you completely? At the same time-- I secretly hope, everyday, that she contacts me and gives me a reason to take her back. I also know that I will never take her back again, or will I? I'm very confused. Does she come back to me? Do I contact her? Is there any hope? Is she going to make an honest effort to get better, then come back to me when she is ready? What in the world is going on?!?!? LOL....it felt good to get this off of my chest because nobody understands what I'm going through, but maybe you guys will...

Hi mc6936,

Well, looks like her doctors and family managed to convince her that she needs to be more independent but forgot to teach her how to go about it the correct way. Instead of working with you to taper her off of her dependence on you, they apparently said something to make her think that she is going to be abandoned, so she ran. In my mind, anyway.

I'm so angry, what kind of sick person gives you their life for 18 months, then just expunges you completely?

The answer is in your question: A sick person. Not a twisted, evil person. A person who is ill. And who, because she is ill, either was given some bad advice or took some advice the wrong way.

Is she going to make an honest effort to get better...

Quite possibly. Many people try. Some succeed.

...then come back to me when she is ready?

Possibly. She may want to reconnect with you once she is better. On the other hand, if and when she's better, she might have strong feelings of guilt over not only the inequality in your relationship, but also over the pain she has caused you. If she truly gets better, she will most likely realize how hard it was for you. I hope that her treatment program will help her cope with feelings of guilt that come with self-awareness.

I feel like I wasted 1.5 years of my life.

Well, I can see why you feel this way. But no; you haven't. You showed her that she can be loved, even at her worst. I've been pretty f*ed up before, but I never forgot the positive impact that certain people had on me. While, personally, it may feel like you've wasted this time in terms of trying to build a life with someone and it not working out. In a way, this may be true. You'll never get that time back.

What did you get from being with her? You got to hone your skills of patience, nurturing and support. These skills will make you a great parent, provided that you maybe don't spoil your kids as much. These skills will also come in handy when you'll have to take care of your parents when they get old. You made someone's life better during that time. You showed her how she could make progress toward a healthy relationship. You probably also have a better idea of what you truly want from a relationship.

No, you haven't wasted these years. Maybe the end result you got wasn't what you wanted, but you definitely haven't wasted them.

If I were you, I'd go see a counselor to process her loss. With your counselor, do a check of your own boundaries and where they stand. It's possible that your relationship with this girl, while teaching you patience, etc., may have also left you feeling like you always have to be the strong one in relationships, or you may have internalized something else from it. So go see someone. I would think that, at the school you go to, there would be some good resources or at least leads.

I'm more worried about her than about you. The last time I was in a vulnerable state, my grandmother told me that I was becoming too dependent on my (then) boyfriend...then proceeded to "save me" from the situation by making me dependent on HER. Still, go see someone. You need to grieve this loss. And right now, the way you're grieving, you're pissed at the person who "died." (I don't know if that's normal or not; I'm not a grief counselor.)

Anyway, best of luck to ya.

I might not be around for other questions, since I'm starting to need a break from the Internet for my own personal reasons. Still, this forum is pretty active, so you should be able to get some support.

And get thee to a counselor!

Take care,

--Frayed

Thanks for the response Frayed.

You're right, she definitely ran, I know she did. What happened was, her doctor said she needed an evaluation in May to see whether or not we could remain together long-distance, because the long-distance is SO hard on her mentally. This just scared the hell out of her right way! How could it not!? What kind of doctor basically tells her: "well stay together for now, but he will probably have to leave you in a few months." She never admitted to being scared and running this time, she just started 'inventing' reasons why we shouldn't be together. She just started naming random things like, not having a car in college, or not doing enough stuff on the weekends, or not liking my friends...etc. This has just been the story of our relationship, nothing I ever did was enough because there was always something. Anytime she was just afraid that she would be abandoned, she just invented a reason and just ran away.

It was definitely true that she was VERY dependent on me. Anytime she was upset she would just cry and have me take care of her, sometimes for a full day straight. That is obviously not healthy for either of us. It was more extreme on her end because being with me consumed her life so much that she literally had NO other friends, and even took a lot of heat from her sorority for not participating in events enough. She basically realized that next year she would be totally on her own in school, with no friends, and this thought just freaked her out. So the plan is for her to basically re-establish herself on her own 2 feet (re-connect with sorority, make new friends, keep up in school, etc) so she is not on her own next year. Isn't that what she is basically doing now though? I mean, she could have stayed with me and just reinforced guidelines and boundaries well, instead of being so extreme about it. What really bothers me is that her mother confirmed that she AND her doctor both agreed that cutting me out of her life was the best solution. Her mom is totally out of her mind, so I don't care much about her, but her parents did love me so that's just so odd. Her doctor suggesting this bothers me the most though. She is already filled with a lifetime of regret, and struggles with it everyday-- losing me will only make it 10x worse! I mean, this girl REALLY liked me, I'm sure of it. She was just always scared that she didn't deserve me, or that I would leave her, and it always led to these problems that we were finally overcoming, why did it have to end now? Why this extreme?

Still no contact from her in over 3 weeks now, my birthday is in a week and a half, so I'd be really insulted if I didn't even get a wish from her. The other day a friend told me her got a chance to speak to her (without me knowing), and she just started crying at the mention of my name and stopped the conversation. She said she is basically trying to do anything to keep her mind off of me. Why is she doing this? Is she trying to forget who I am? And I cannot see how breaking up was the right solution because I just imagine this scenario: She is feeling great, has made a bunch of new friends that are all getting ready to go out. The music is playing and they are all putting on make up. She is ready to have such a fun night with her friends....then all of a sudden she crashes. These stuck-up sorority girls won't give a f*** about her, they already label her as crazy. She needs me to hold her and watch a movie with her, and eat popcorn. Not to force herself to act normal when she is crashing inside. I do not think that is being overly dependent at all, that's just who she is and I really got to like her for it.

Any other responses would be most appreciated because it really helps talking about this, especially with people that understand the situation much better.

This is why it's a bad idea to get into relationships that are that one sided in the first place.

I'm still around today, so I might as well talk while I'm at the keyboard.

What kind of doctor basically tells her: "well stay together for now, but he will probably have to leave you in a few months."

Probably someone who doesn't understand the extent of BPD mentality--or maybe even someone who did! He may have simply said, "You should strive to become more independent just in case things don't work out, as they sometimes don't when long-distance relationships are concerned." This is a healthy and realistic assessment. But to someone who is in "fight or flight" (mostly "flight") mode, it's the equivalent of hearing, "He's going to leave you. Leave him before he leaves you." There's just no "right" way to say things sometimes.

Let's say I were in her shoes (and to a certain extent I have been). I appreciated every good thing someone did for me. I truly loved. I felt guilty that someone had to take care of me. I loved even when I left.

She's going through a lot right now. There are probably hundreds of thoughts and, consequently, mood changes every hour if not minute. She's hurting. You're hurting too. But don't take it as a personal affront if she doesn't contact you on your birthday. Look, I'm by no means completely recovered. I still miss birthdays. I'll screen phone calls and won't return them for months. I care deeply about those people, but I can't bring myself to just call them. If I found out that they needed a kidney and I was a match, I'd do it! But simple, everyday stuff is beyond my reach at this point.

In other words, yes, it's quite possible that she still loves you. But you have to understand that she's not well, and that you can't expect "normal" things from someone who is currently not well.


I'm going to shift the focus to you now. What is it that attracts you to being a rescuer? I mean, it's kinda cool to be someone's whole world. It's flattering. But is it just flattering to you, or have you come to crave the pedestal on which she's placed you?

I'm not saying you're a bad or evil person. I don't know you. You could be the most charitable guy ever, or you could be a malignant narcissist who simply feeds on her adoration. I AM saying, however, that you need to examine why it is you were drawn to this person, who is clearly unstable, who has latched herself on to you, and to whom you have become, at least for a while, the end-all decision maker between right and wrong.

This evaluation of yourself doesn't have to be completely separate from her other, likable qualities. I'm sure that you truly like her for the way she is. But I'm wondering if you haven't lost track of HER AS A PERSON, and haven't somehow made her into a personal rescue project.

This is going to sound rather brutal. It's almost like you rescued a pet from a shelter, (both for company and for the charity of rescue), nursed her, trained her to be your friend...and now she ran away.

I'd bring all of this up with a counselor. I'll probably be on here for most of today. I'm trying to figure out something unrelated for myself. In the meantime, I hope you're browsing the "student resources" handbook for on-campus counseling.

insincerity wrote:This is why it's a bad idea to get into relationships that are that one sided in the first place.

That's very true, but she was ill, and that was always reason to stay. She was so dedicated to improving, I knew I had a great girl as it is, if we got balance it would be perfect. She actually did improve a lot too, and did so much for me for the final few months, the break up just sort of hit me out of nowhere.

Thanks again Frayed, and I've already contacted a school counselor.

The first part was absolutely correct regarding her. I'm pretty sure she still loves me (I hope so at least), and I do think she overreacted to a very realistic assessment her doctor gave her.

The second, I don't think was brutal at all. I've thought to myself many times, why am I even attracted to her, and vice versa. Since she was SO ill, I definitely think that there were a lot of toxic elements that kept us together. I definitely know that we liked each other, a LOT, just because there are some things that you just can't fake-- BUT, we also stayed together thru a lot of messed up times for some pretty bad reasons. I know for a fact that she came back to me more out of need than out of love. She needed somebody to take care of her, somebody's emotion to feed off of, and somebody to love her. I don't think she was right for doing this. At the same, I'm a guy and I have an ego like any other. When a girl that you like so much makes you the center of her universe, well that feels really good. I also did save her like a wounded bird-- she just got out of a hospital, was dumped by a terrible boyfriend, was cut off by her best friends, had just been raped, and was struggling in school-- she was spinning out of control and I stopped her. She was safe with me, I would never let anything happen to her, and so yeah, I guess I developed this 'knight in shining armor' complex for her. In a way I was acting out of need too, a need to save her. I don't think I was right for this either. There was a lot of good, and a lot of bad, for the first half of the relationship, so you were right on the mark Frayed.

If she had left me over the summer, while she was taking classes at McLean in Boston, I would have been really upset-- but not like I am now. Something changed this past few months, and we really developed a true love for each other. When I look back at the beginning, it's hard to distinguish between what was real and what wasn't, just because things were just SO messed up. Everything just changed though, we REALLY fell for each other for the finally few months. I remember at first sometimes it was a chore to talk to her every night, just because I would always have to take care of her. It just changed into me wanting to talk to her all the time. I practically missed her anytime I couldn't see her. I enjoyed every second of it. She changed so much too, before she would just come see me so I could do things for her to prove that I cared, just to validate her own insecurities. All of a sudden she would be the one doing things for my enjoyment, and she loved making me happy. I don't ever remember seeing her so constantly happy for a 3 month stretch like that, and same goes for me. So it's true that we came together for a lot of issues on our own ends, but somehow this developed into a true love, that's now sadly gone.

The weird thing is when we first started dating we would break up SO often, but every time she would come back to me. That's why it's hard to imagine that it really is over. We would never stay broken up longer than a week. Now we live on opposite sides of the campus and never even see each other. Why is it so hard for her to think about me, but at the same time she doesn't have the strength to just pick up and call, to say: 'let's figure something out because I really want to be with you.' I don't get how she does it...

Hi mc,

Welcome More likely than not, she'll be back. My experience with my exBPDer was that it could go on for many years with the cycling you describe and it wasn't until I decided to make it stop that it stopped. And that required walking away from that person.

It's funny you bring up the words, "wounded bird." Have you heard of wounded bird syndrome? And have you considered the possibility that your attraction to her has more to do with that whatever the two of you actually share with each other? As someone who has been in your shoes, I can attest to this and I can also say that my attraction to him had more to do with the high of "saving" him and the hope that we could find stability some day, than anything else. But you're the only person who can answer that, and I suggest you focus your time on figuring out those things rather than whether or not she's thinking about you.

You're young. Is this really what you want your life to be like?

mc693 wrote:

insincerity wrote:This is why it's a bad idea to get into relationships that are that one sided in the first place.

That's very true, but she was ill, and that was always reason to stay. She was so dedicated to improving, I knew I had a great girl as it is, if we got balance it would be perfect. She actually did improve a lot too, and did so much for me for the final few months, the break up just sort of hit me out of nowhere.

These are just rationalizations. You should have known it was a bad idea and you were only deluding yourself that there were real improvements - look how it turned out. Do you really think that your life wouldn't have been better if you'd done the smart thing and had a relationship with someone who wasn't obviously unstable?

velouria wrote:It's funny you bring up the words, "wounded bird." Have you heard of wounded bird syndrome? And have you considered the possibility that your attraction to her has more to do with that whatever the two of you actually share with each other?

I really did have this syndrome, and I know it did draw me to her and keep me with her. I don't know what it was, I just wanted to save her so badly, and once I saw that I was good at it I became attached. But that only lasts for so long, during this phase I never seriously considered marrying this girl, and in the back of my head I always wondered if I were making a mistake. But I know that I REALLY fell for this girl, because soon the 'wounded bird' obsession I had for her just wore off and the true love was still there. I wanted to still make her better because I truly loved this girl, not because she was some personal project of mine. I now realize how much I liked this girl because my regret of not saving here (which is there I admit), is vastly overshadowed by how much I just miss hanging out with her. It's a tough spot to be in, I admit that it's nice to hear that she will be back, but then again I don't even know what I want anymore. Thanks for listening guys.