Freaking Out

My wife comes back from visiting her boyfriend in the UK tomorrow. The whole time she has been gone I have been fighting urges to beg her to just come back. I have had horrendous pictures of them together. I have been trying to not force her, to give her space to see us, and hopefully to give the love we have a chance. She still loves me and I have just opened up. From what I have been reading here it looks like I have been in a "split" state for years with only the odd slip back to reality. Now I am open, and I am loving (I denied her that for years). She has seen it and I can see that she still wants it.

When she first left to see him I had a romantic notion that they would go to have sex and she wouldn't be able to do it now that I know about them. Clearly I was wrong. I have been clinging to hope the whole time, trying to fight my urge to text. I have been successful in that yesterday and today. That's a major achievement for me.

I envisioned her coming me back and me giving her a big hug and being there for her. She is going through a really hard time with all of this. It was hard for her to leave me despite years of coldness from me.

Now I am freaked out. I am seeing that reunion in a different light. I go to hug her and I cant. I look at her and she has turned from beautiful to ugly. She said that she was having a hard time in the UK because I came with her. Now he is coming back with her. I can't touch her because she has been with him, kissed him, undressed him, caressed him, lay beside him, skin touching and ultimately slept with him. She is turning into a monster in my head. A monster that I still love very deeply. I don't want her to see that I feel like that. I don't want to feel like that full stop.

This seems to be the classic cut and run behaviour wanting to manifest itself in me. My love for her is stronger, so I won't run, but I am afraid that staying will be worse. I don't know if I can stay "sane". I don't want to want to hurt her, but that is what I will be like. I feel it already. I need to stop this. I need to be able to be me when I see her tomorrow. I need to hold her, tell her I love her and accept that she has to walk her own path and figure out her own head. I need to help her where I can.

I don't have the tools for this yet. I am not sure what to say to myself to help me fight the feeling of needing to run away from her. I don't want to do that. I don't want to go down that destructive path.

I only have my diagnosis a few weeks and have had no professional help specific to BPD. How do we fight the urge to run when faced with rejection? The thing is it is not complete rejection. She still loves and cares for me. How do I connect with that and bury the run away feeling?

I am glad I am getting the feelings already. It gives me just under 24hrs to get on top of this. Help! The emotions are trying to swallow me alive. I am hurting so much. I need help. I need some advice on how to handle this.

Go buy some weed and smoke till you're calmer...
Then you can work it out a little easier.
That's what I do...
It's not for everyone, though.

Cheers, but no thanks. What I'm looking for is somebody to tell me what they suggest in therapy for situations where you want to cut and run as a reaction. I learn fast... I just need the knowledge. There must be some BPD's out there in solid relationships. Where they come up against this reaction, but know how to deal with it.

Well I'm in a solid relationship...
Just yesterday I thought about leaving him and throwing his ass out of my house because I want my house back...
Which is really my brain saying "things are too good and he's going to leave you... plus you've gained weight and he's going to leave because you're fat"
I didn't. I didn't even bring it up to him.
I tooka deep breath, gripped my wrist as hard as possible and slammed my hand down on the bathroom sink.
The pain brought me back to rationality long enough to know I was being stupid.
Once you can be slightly rational, you can expand on it.
Weed and pain, those are my "reality and rational" things since I'm unmedicated.

Are you getting my point?

Uh huh, I think so. Recognise, realise it's not real and just a reaction. Make a conscious decision to act from logic rather than the reaction feelings. Deny them. Do it once and it will be easier to do it again, because the payoff will make it seem more attractive. With no experience of payoff from not following the reaction (because I always have), the first time will be harder. After that it should be easier because there will be an experience to draw on.

Do whatever it takes to stop acting on the reaction - up to and including pain (but without causing damage). I'll give it a go. Logically I know I will feel better if I don't follow the reaction. I have to just trust that and make myself go with it.

I do understand the weed. It numbs and takes the edge off the pain. It's not an option for me now though. I need to be here 100%. Otherwise I may as well be back where I buried my feelings as much as I could. If I am there I can't communicate the positive ones either. If I can't communicate them, then the changes in me that may just save my marriage are gone. The ability to openly communicate requires me to feel everything. Otherwise I am talking but not properly engaging. It is just words - at least from my wifes point of view.

The wave of reaction that prompted this post has largely passed. But I am sure it will return tomorrow as the time draws nearer. I am feeling more prepared now though. It's not rocket science, but it's not easy either. I have to think about the not even bringing it up part. I think it makes sense, but I want to bring it up..... I'm just not sure why. Does it serve any purpose for her? No. Does it for me? Yes, it allows me show my pain and register rejection to her relationship with this guy. Aha, the purpose is to try and hurt her, show her my pain to guilt her, which would push her away. I don't want to do that so therefore I don't mention it outside this forum or people I can trust. I think I may be beginning to get the hang of this thinking things through idea.

She does not need to know everything. She needs to see me, and not my messed up feelings... just the real ones. How am I doing?

Seems like you have it...
You just have to get to a state of mind where you can THINK.
I usually do something, slam my wrist on something or slap myself or take a hit...
And then I write down WHAT I KNOW IS TRUE...
Then from there I write WHAT I AM DOING and if what I'm doing doesn't line up PERFECTLY with what's absolutely true,
then there's backtracking to where my thoughts went askew and I have to work it out like an algebra problem.

My boyfriend thinks it's psychotic looking, because I'm freaking out the whole time, talk to myself, pull my hair, but by the end at least I'm rationally reacting to something.
It's gotten easier, but it's super hard at first.

You'll be okay. I know it.

I find myself struggling a bit with "what I know is true". With lots of things I'm just not sure. Earlier when my friends arrived I was holding back tears. Then 15 mins later I'm laughing telling old stories. It made the feelings I had that made me want to cry seem fake. They were anything but fake at the time. I just seem to flick in and out of different head spaces. I believe that both spaces I mentioned were truly me. I feel guilty that I can't stay with a feeling - even a bad one for too long at a time (sometimes). I didn't want to feel stressed and hurt and freaked. When it stopped in such a short space of time though it seemed to ridicule those feelings. They are in there right now, I can feel them, but they are not at the surface. It's like they are waiting to be triggered to come out again. The hurt is legitimate. The rest is reaction. But why don't I feel the full force of the hurt all the time? Why does it ebb and flow? Is that the normal pattern of pain?

I have even had the thought that the pain is just a reaction and that I really don't care. I know I do, but thoughts like those shake my identity. I think the reality is more that I don't want to care. I want to avoid the pain... therefore telling myself that the pain is a reaction and I don't care is in itself a reaction.

Does it really get that complicated? Or am I overthinking it?

Your mind can make it that complicated real easy, but it's not.
WHAT YOU KNOW is very little... you know you're BPD... you know your wife has a bf in the UK... you know that you're hurting...
Those are truths...
Work from there.

Ok, keep it simple, and if it's getting complicated backtrack, or come back to it later. If I'm not sure wait and time will make it clearer. Resist the urge to force instant answers to my own questions, because that way I'll make mistakes. Work on myself when I am calm and collected. Work on being calm and collected when I feel a reaction is likely. That gives the space to make a choice.

Exactly...
It's hard at first, but you get used to it and it gets progressively easier over time.