Freaking Out

But seriously. Manipulation works in the here and now. It's not easy/possible to keep it up indefinitely with the same person. Also, like I said before, anything gained by manipulation would make me quite rightly distrustful of it, therefore it would trigger all my security/fear of loss reactions, which would need more manipulation to cover over. Eventually it is too much work to patch up. I've only just discovered who I am. I want to be me. I am not anything like as bad as I thought I was. In fact, despite being homeless, jobless, paranoid, reactive and generally difficult to be around, I actually think that my positives outweigh my negatives. (does that mean I'm delusional too? ) I am intelligent, loving, giving, thoughtful, appreciative, easy going, supportive, tall, strong, have a good (if dark) sense of humour and am very loyal. That is of course when I'm not reacting.... but for those 5 mins a year I'm a "good catch".

You're rejecting a natural gift that comes with you illness.
Very few awesome things come from mental illness, so why reject it?
Manipulation in the long term ISN'T as hard as you're making it out to be.

I guess I just want to try something new. Something that is outside my normal day to day life. I didn't like that life. Now I have a chance to do something different. I get a chance to be me.

.... of course if I find I'm not good enough to get by without manipulation I could always fall back on it. Just don't want to right now. On the other hand I tend to do it naturally. Like I say to my ex, it was never really manipulation, because I was never really aware of what I was doing. I was just reacting. It is my "natural" state, but my "natural" state is that of a broken head. I want to see how well I can train my brain. It's a challenge. One that may well stop me feeling like I have for the rest of my life. That would be like winning the lottery (but with a lot less money).

You're making excuses because you're afraid.
You COULD just say that.
It takes less time than trying to justify this inherit need to change.
BPDers don't really get cured... we just learn to be less obnoxious about things.
That's all.

I'm afraid of the challenge, more to the point I'm afraid of failing. I am even more afraid of staying like I am / was.

I am saying "I want to be x way"
I have found x inside me and I like it. I want it all the time. It would make me feel good. I want control. I don't expect to stop the feelings, but to learn to live with them in such a way that they no longer rule me and stop me from functioning.

Am I afraid I won't be able to do that? Absolutely.

I do not want to change. I am me and I like me. I just don't like getting F***d over by my emotions. If I can learn to accept them, but not act on them, then I am free to be the person who I really like. The person I always suspected I was and only just met a few weeks ago. It is not a need to change. It is a desire, a longing to let myself out. To exist as me without fearing myself.

Does that make sense? Is that possible? Or am I chasing a fantasy? It can't be a fantasy, because I now know who I am. I am here. I just need to learn how to let myself function. All I have to do is train my brain not to react on my emotions if those reactions are going to damage me. Any other reactions are fine.

I want to be able to show love when I feel it, and also to be able to show anger, hate, hurt. I want to be able to show those things without having to squash them and bury them inside myself in case they take me over and I do something I will regret later. I want to feel an emotion and have a choice about how I act on it. Is that not what treatment offers?

Okay, maybe it doesn't take less time...
I have no idea what treatment offers.
My only treatment at this point is talking to a shrink once a month to ensure I'm not completely unhinged.
Speaking of which, I think I have that tomorrow.
Other than that I just have some self-control, and I smoke weed when I'm stressed out so I don't LOSE IT.

I'm probably not the best person to be advising you, all things considered.

All advice is good advice. Your "smoke weed" advice helped me to understand that if smoking lessens the intensity of the emotions, then it is possible... but I want to try doing it another way. I may not always agree with the words, but I can identify with the feelings behind the words. I am also very new to this. The more I can learn the better. . . . good and bad. It all gives me a better overview.

I curse not being diagnosed until this age, but it does lend me a lengthy history of experiences to examine and make sense of. In a way it must be easier having a long history of crap. It certainly lends a lot of motivation.