Freaking Out

Thank you. It's a lot clearer in my head now. For now at least. Hard is far better odds than impossible (pre diagnosis).

I like your posts Smile...xx

Thankies!
I super try hard to contribute something usable.

And that has certainly been usable. I am feeling quite calm now. There is a little battle going on in my head... and it can battle away. I know my course of action and I'm sticking to it. The rest is just noise. After today I'll come back and examine it.(at a time when it can't knock me off course so easily)

I am absolutely certain that I would not be feeling so calm now if it were not for Smiles posts. Hope I can help someone else as much down the line.

I feel so special.

I need to vent. I'm in the middle of a massive reaction/rage. Mods, feel free to delete this post if necessary. She came back last night. I had it all wrong.

I want to kill him. Actually I want to kill his eldest son just to watch him suffer. Eldest because that would have the biggest effect on his youngest son and that would increase the suffering of the (*&*(!. It will be fast and right in front of him. He or his family are not going to be safe in this country ever. I swear it. In fact he may not be so safe in his own country. I am going to hurt him as badly as I possibly can. I am going to attack his company on the internet, hijack their website by creating a duplicate (but subtly(not) different) site that comes up above them in search result and tell the world exactly what sort of staff they have working for them. It started out as wanting to damage his work life, but now nothing but the whole company he works for is enough. I smiled when I realised that I can actually do it. I have worked it all out. The beauty of it is his name is very distinctive. I will finish the &*^&^ in every way I can. He has taken away my daughters right to have the thing she wants most - her father and mother. Do I feel the same rage at my wife? No, because she is my daughters mother. I can't hurt my daughter. Of course my wife would be lost to me forever if I do this, but I have lost her anyway so I flat out don't care. Push her to him further? He will be as broken as I am. At every opportunity I will damage him. Any time I can communicate I will rub in more salt. I hate. I am screaming inside, clawing at my skin from the inside, trying to escape myself, but no matter where I run to I bring myself with me. I am sitting in my wifes house right now, where she works. There are two staff members and they all have no idea what is happening right beside them. I don't work for the company, but I set up a lot of it. Because I wasn't working it was the only way I could help support my family. Now I feel trapped here. I still need to be supporting my daughter. The office is her sole source of security... I'm certainly not.

When this wears off I'll post what happened last night. I learnt a lot. In the process I got a much clearer picture of just how broken I really am. Awareness is not all it's cracked up to be.

Meanwhile I want to destroy everything around me. I have thoughts of harm, but I have done enough on that recently to keep myself safe.... it's just others that are in my firing line. Do I feel like I'm a bad person? No and Yes. I am reveling in the blood coursing through my veins. I feel out of control, invincible in strength. The rage is so powerful. I am in its control, and I like the way it feels. I know the alternative is to be in so much pain that I can't possibly survive it. It must be a massive amount of pain because it is producing such a volume of anger. Dead. I am going to rip him apart limb from limb. The little short adulterer is going to go slowly. I see him in our kitchen dazed on the floor while I rip off his trousers and cut it off. I tell my wife that if she calls somebody I will kill him instantly. His only chance of living is for them to go with it. I slice it up and take out the frying pan. I am enjoying their tears and pain as I force them both to eat it. The really good bit is that they don't know I'm going to let him bleed out anyway. Do I care that my wife is hurting. Not at all. It is her fault to. she did this. The only reason she is physically safe is my daughter. AAAARRRRRGGHHH

Ok, I'm back now. My wife said that if she had thought there was any chance for us she would never have gone to the UK. She couldn't do that. She is a really good person. I did get to understand something though..

I couldn't understand how if I love her (and am again able to show it) and she loves me, she could not go with that. She talked about it going against her instincts. I just couldn't get it. Now I do. For me, if I feel, I act. For years I didn't know there was any other way. I love her therefore I must be with her. Once I opened up that grew to overwhelming proportions. I still don't know any other way, but I recognise that there is another way.

My wife is able to feel love, but she has her adult there to make decisions. I always thought it was right to follow your heart and your feelings. My wife is able to say "I have these feelings, but following them damages me". That's the bit I didn't get. She has just been through too much with me and the thoughts of more of it (even if I am now making my first steps into recovery) are too much. I envy that control.

As I am right now I can say to her that she is making the right decision. It is the wrong one for me, but right for her. I know that, I don't want to hurt her any more, I love her very deeply, but it doesn't stop me hurting and reacting. At least by venting elsewhere than at her I can lessen any damage I do. She is clueless to any of what went into the last post and that is how it should be.

For the last few weeks I have been swinging between hope and grief. I think the process is growing towards its conclusion. On the other hand I can't stop loving her. I have only just got full access to my feelings back and I don't want to lose that. The price of that is not being able to hide from the pain. I see her every day. I see her and I want her. I want the love I feel to connect. I feel I owe it to her too after so many years of denying her that love. I want to make up for how I treated her. I feel so guilty.

I am angry about it too. I had it all and I lost it because I didn't get the right help. Misdiagnosis, the wrong treatments, some of which seemed to make me worse. I can't picture being with anybody else. She is so different to anybody else I have ever met. But I have hurt her too much for too long. She deserves happiness. I want that for her. I just want to be able to give that to her. Clearly I can't as I am now. Being able to say to her "I'm reacting right now" is not good enough. I would have to be at a stage where the reaction is under control. Even if I could control them, it would be asking too much for her to have blind faith in my ability to recover. We are both grieving. Seeing each other every day (apart from when she was away). It has ended the chance of a brother or sister for our daughter which we are both feeling guilty about.

It may not seem so from the last post, but I think I am doing very well all things considered. I can't see the end of this though. I can't see how I can get past the attachment and the resulting rejection feelings and grief. Logically I can see that it has to happen, but just writing that had my feelings shouting out "traitor! you love her, you can't let her go. Wimp, fight for her. fight for your family. Do something right for a change". The logic side of me is very week. I do not understand yet exactly how it should work and integrate with me. I keep being pulled internally in opposing directions. Love alone pulls me in two opposites. . . . wanting her and wanting what she needs for her too. Then when logic is dropped on top I get pulled further. I am a big man but I feel like a worn out rag doll with the stuffing leaking out.

In our relationship, I split, but I didn't actually leave. The love was enough to make me stay, but I couldn't handle the feelings that made me want to run. I can see it now. At the time I just didn't know what was happening, why I couldn't connect with her. I have been in a blocked state a long long time.

<grin> one of these days I will learn how to write succinct posts!

Just breathe, babe.
Life will go one.

Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Hold It, Exhale, Hold It, Inhale, Exhale...

Just breathe, babe.
Life will go one.

I know... that's what I'm worried about!

Took the dog out for his lunchtime walk.... it took hours. I cried a lot and got a lot of it out. It's weird, I haven't cried in years and years, now in the last 6 weeks it is at least a daily event. Always feel better afterwards though, and 10 mins after I stop it is like it never happened. The rollercoaster is in full swing.... never liked them since I nearly fell off the back of one years ago.

I can't talk to my wife about it because it is just hurting her more. (I still do, but I'm trying to do it less). Healthcare services are really letting me down at the moment. Right now I have no care. Before psych services got involved at least I had a counsellor, but now they have dropped me while they wait on a report from psych services. Last time I was dropped (some sort of personal crisis with my counsellor) it took a year for me to get another place. I'm in the wind. I am so glad I found this forum. Right now it feels like it is my only support. The few friends I have left are great, but they don't understand. I'm not even sure that I want them to (brings up a fear of loss in me).

Oh yeah, breath. Forgot

Who needs friends when you have this forum?
This IS my social life at this point.