looking for any help from BPD's or NON's. I'm desperate!

I'm looking for assistance from anyone who either has BPD or has been seriously involved with one. My marriage of 1 1/2 years is soon to be over and I'm trying to understand what has happened. My soon to be ex and I had a 2 1/2 year relationship before the marriage and looking back on it, I should have seen some warning signs. I'm not even completely sure they have BPD but my therapist, who I had seen years ago when we went through a similar quick break up has discussed it with me; as well as mentioned other possible disorders.

We were in the process of trying to have a baby before everything went wrong. We were successful but unfortunately lost the baby so we decided to try again. Again, we were successful and the baby is due in about 8 weeks. However, the day we found out I was pregnant, my spouse had a massive breakdown, and began stating how much they hated themselves and their life. Not knowing what to do, I called my mother-in-law who immediately came over. They've always had an abnormal bond and I think secretly, my mother-in-law played a big role after this incident in convincing Kyle to move home.

From that moment on, things were hell. Kyle constantly had a problem with everything I said or did. I became, in Kyle's eyes, the worst person in the world and the one responsible for Kyle's unhappiness. Kyle wanted nothing to do with the baby and when I asked how I could make the situation better, Kyle's response was to "not be pregnant". It got even worse after that. All of a sudden Kyle remembered a dramatic incident that had happened years ago and began threatening to commit suicide. I tried everything I could to be supportive and understanding of what Kyle was going through but nothing helped and things continued to decline. He even stated once that he knew if he returned to the home that 1 day I would leave him anyway so he might as well go now.

I decided to throw Kyle a big birthday party to make him feel better and the party was a success; although Kyle barely spoke to me. 3 days later I came home from a therapy session and when asked how it went my reply was, "not that great". Kyle went into a rage and said he was going to leave for a few days. I begged him not to because I knew that returning to his mother and her influence would prevent him from every returning. we continued to speak daily but sure enough, 10 days after leaving, Kyle stated he wanted out of the marriage.

It has been a roller-coaster of emotions and dealing with the pregnancy alone has been difficult. My friends still have Kyle on facebook and constantly see pictures of Kyle out partying with people in the bars. Kyle has NEVER been a bar fly or heavy party person so this is all new as well. The divorce has turned so nasty and I cannot handle the stress. We have completely stopped communicating and I refuse to ever be in his presence again. Last week he came to the house with his mother and some friends to remove all his personal belongings and things we purchased together. I did not want to be here so I had my father and mother handle it. I also locked the nursery door since I know the sex of the baby and did not want him or his mother to know. This sent Kyle into a fit demanding to open the nursery door in case I was "hiding his stuff in there". My father assured him I wasn't and after a while he calmed down, cleaned out his stuff and more (even taking half bottles of shampoo and soap).

Now, I received a letter from his attorney saying that he still owns the home and can come and go as he pleases and if my parents are there, the police will be called to have them removed from the property. I don't understand his hostility. He left me and the baby, wants nothing to do with either of us and all I'm trying to do is finish this, maintain a low stress level for the baby's sake and move on with my life. I will never understand how this happened but I'm hoping someone can give me an idea as to why Kyle is having this way. I understand "splitting" and that I'm currently the worst person in the world to him but why the drama and anger? He has said so many hurtful things since the breakup. I recently found out he's telling people that our marriage was my idea and I'm the one that had to have it and he never wanted this baby. I've said nothing hurtful about him and I'm simply doing what he wanted.
Someone PLEASE give me insight!

IMO this would be better suited for the relationship forum. I am a borderline who is now in a damn good place, and I can't give you any insight on somebody I don't know who likely has other stuff going on besides borderline. Nobody can...we are not that person. Also, we are all different. This is a site for borderlines to get support...and hearing about horrible ex's, who may or may not have borderline at all, is hurtful to me at least. How do you expect us to help you? How is anyone here supposed to know why your ex did what your ex did??

I do recommend going to a site that is about dysfunctional relationships.

With that I'm going to post a few links that may help you. We aren't attorneys and don't know the laws about home posession and this isn't a board about divorce.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/toxi ... _them.html
http://www.divorcesupport.com/boards.shtml

Good luck.

PS--I feel it is unfair to put his real name on the internet as he may be recognized. It may be best to change certain identifying details. Take care.

Hi Sonbulast

There is a thread for non Borderlines on this board, at the top of the page, if I were you I would try that and you will get help from nons and borderlines.

good luck
appliepiexx

Dear AGCDEFG, I do think you are being a little harsh on the nons that come on here, you dont speak for me as someone with BPD as I have no problem with the nons and direct them to the non thread as above. The lady above is obviously very desperate and did not come on here to hurt anyone.

best wishes
appliepiexx

I am simply looking for insight from anyone who has had experiences with borderline people or is one. I am not looking to bash him or anyone else. My marriage and child on the way means a lot to me and I'm just trying to understand what has happened.

There is a specific thread for those in relationships who are not borderline.

The board was taken over by those who felt they had been done wrong by borderlines. More borderlines are posting now. I'm' not speaking for all borderlines or so-called "normal people", but I personally get very upset at the threads about dysfunctional relationships in which "nons" believe their ex is borderline. They may be, they may not be, but to me the message is clear: "Borderlines are bad" and in many cases this is just false...many of us (not all) have been badly abused all our lives and don't want more of it on a safe support board.

I'm glad t hey have a thread strictly for the purpose of those who want to participate in these threads. It does exist and imo it should be used for that purpose. That way, borderlines who come here for support can get support about our recoveries rather than hearing negatives about ex's who may or may not have borderline. There are legions of information and books, both updated and out-of-date (but still THERE) to explain borderline to those who don't have it. Many don't believe what we say anyway. There was a thread about borderlines feeling remorse that got way out of hand. Of course, many of us feel remorse. I have always felt remorse. But when I said so, my opinion was disregarded. Therefore, I felt nobody was listening, which is how we get borderline in the first place (parents who tell us that what we feel isn't real). To me, it's toxic.

The board used to have very few borderlines who posted and imo a host of humiliation aimed at borderlines, kind of like when I was a child, and frankly I"m glad they cleaned that up. Now, I realize this is a forum that does not belong to me. If they change the rules back, I will have no choice (as will many other borderlines who DON'T do well this these posts) at posting exclusively in safer places. Whatever happens happens. The past week or so the board has transformed and I find myself enjoying it more.

Take care

Hi 5onbelmont,

I'm perfectly happy to offer you any advice or support (from a Non perspective). I am 6 months out of a relationship with a BPDer, still in recovery mode. Our relationship was not as committed as yours, so my valuable insight might be limited, but I'm here for you regardless.

Thank you Velouria. My head is still spinning and it appears as if the divorce will be final on March 22nd. Everything happened so fast I sometimes still can't believe it. One minute we're picking out items for the nursery and hoping for a positive test result and the next, Kyle wants nothing to do with me or the baby, even making statements that our marriage was something I had to have (basically forcing him into it).

I know everything happens for a reason but I'm still trying to figure out the reason for all this!

Hey again,

Here is your post from the other thread:

Thank you for your input. Kyle has not been to any of the doctor's appointments and does not want to come. He's willing to sign all rights away to the baby. At this point, we don't even speak. His lawyer threatened a restraining order against me which was very distrubing since I've made no attempt to see him or contact him; sometimes Kyle has a distortion of reality and this appears to be the case. Either that or he's just really trying to hurt me. He has been to therapists but never for extended periods of time. When things get bad for Kyle, he threatens suicide, goes on anti-depressants and then almost magically "snaps" back to normal and stops therapy and medication. But this only happens when he changes his environment; basically blaming the surroundings for the problems.

I was really hoping we could work things out but it appears hopeless and with support from his mother to move on, it looks like I will be raising our son alone.

Again, thank you for your insight. It all happened so fast I sometimes still can't believe it!

First, I think you're really fortunate that things are happening as quickly as they are for you. This could very well be a blessing in disguise. There is another lady who is going through abandonment like this and it's much more drawn out and difficult in its own rite.

I know it seems like it happened so quickly, but you also mention that there were plenty of ups and downs in the past. This points to this episode not being a sudden event, but another phase in an ongoing continuum.

This man has abandoned you and your child. If his mother is helping him in the process, she is doing you a favor. Without a clean break, you'd never be able to move on. This will give you the chance for the life you and your baby deserve. Just make sure you are protecting yourself, legally and physically.

I know deep down you are right. It was just so much so fast. I've gone through the pregnancy alone, he's somehow convinced some mutual friends to continue going out with him and stop talking to me, I have to find a new place to live because I cannot afford our home alone and now am taking Kyle to court since he has decided the mortgage is no longer his responsibility and has stopped contributing to the payments.

The fear I have is starting over. I'm not in my 20's but in my late 30's and as said as it is, I'm afraid I will never feel about someone the way I felt about him. I've heard many people with bpd have the ability to make people fall madly in love with them only to eventually leave but I don't know how true that is. All I know is that I loved him more than anyone and am so incredibly hurt at how fast I was thrown aside and forgotten.