My Issues With Sex

I had a weird dream last night... this friend of mine that is particularly odd, and usually makes me uncomfortable often sexually violated me via dream. I don't think it had anything to do with him, though.
Certain things in the sex-realm make me really uncomfortable... when I'm "sane" I mean... I don't know why...
When I'm single and sleeping with everyone possible I have no problems with anything, but if my boyfriend does things...
Like grabbing a girl's head and pushing it down to get head... that bugs me...
If my boyfriend grabs my ass, or cops a feel... that bugs me...
I don't know why. Complete strangers are welcome to do any of that when I'm single. I could care less.

If he does things like that... or if he says things a certain way... crude language bugs me...
I get so nervous. My chest and throat tighten up.
I get scared and wish there was a way to shy away without looking terrified...
I've tried really hard to let it go, because it's stupid and silly...
FCG's date in the Non Thread reminded me of it ontop of the dream...
I do things like that, but only with someone I'm romantically involved with... Try to be aggressive and end up scared...

I know that can't be how normal people function.
It just...
Am I the only one like this? It's not a BPD trait, the fear I mean.
Is it? I don't think so... I dunno...

Thoughts?

Were you ever sexually abused by something who you trusted?

Not by people I trusted...
When I was an idiot crackwhore, which is the technical term for what I was actually doing, I got raped...
But they were random guys, who didn't speak and just got it over and with instead of "foreplay" or anything.

Smile I find your post very . For me I cannot integrate love and sex which has always been a problem for my partners as, I will try not to be too crude here, I like sex fast and aggresive, hardly any foreplay, no gentleness and afterwards I cannot bare to be cuddled as though I need time to morph back into 'loving' Margaret and leave the 'highly sexual Margaret behind'. My ex husband had huge problems with this as he said it was if he was raping me...does anybody relate to this, the seperation of love and sex? Is it anything to do with BPD or just my sexual preferences...

appliepie

I'm the opposite way. I associate sex with love...
Well, I try to... I used to do that quite successfully, but then this started happening... it's a new thing...
I never had this issue with my old boyfriends.
My boyfriend and I don't even really have sex very often.
Maybe 4 times a month.
My dislike for sex has just grown... luckily he doesn't have much of a sex drive, so he can't really notice...

It just bothers me... hardcore.

It's probably got something to do with the way you had to compartmentalize sex as a "non-loving" interaction when you were a crackwhore (they should tell you about it when you join the club, no?). You start off thinking of sex as being a romantic thing with your partner, you end up having sex frequently for money and undergo a process of desensitization where you learn to stop "feeling" anything during sex. Then, once you're back in an actual relationship and want sex to be about "love" again, all the interactions your partner does that overly remind you of what your paid partners did (pushing your head down during blowjobs, copping feels, etc.) trigger your desensitization, which feels unnatural around a partner you genuinely love, which results in you feeling scared and uncomfortable.

The way I see it, there are three purposes for sex...

1: Self gratification...you are essentially using another persons body to masturbate with. I include procreation as self gratification, as you really just desire to make little copies of yourself.

2: As a commodity to barter (prostitution)

3: As a way to feel closer or more connected to your partner. You could throw procreation in here as well.

I suppose a sex surrogate might be considered a fourth.

Now, I don't see anything wrong with any of them, as long as both partners are on the same page (aware and accepting of the motivation of the other person).

Since #3 requires a certain level of trust, intimacy and emotional availability, wouldn't it be very difficult, if not impossible for the person suffering from any Cluster B disorder to experience?

Smile I think some valid points have been made in the above two posts...how have you viewed sex in your past relationships? I wonder if there is some fear of 'letting go' with your boyfriend that wouldnt worry you with one night stands due to not really caring about them. Do you think he may feel overwhelmed if you 'allowed' yourself to be overtly sexual? What does he think about it? Sorry lots of questions!

appliepiexx

The boyfriend doesn't really think anything of it other than I'm shy, which he's okay with.
Every time I try being... not shy... I get nervous....
Again, this is new though. My other boyfriend that I had for 2 years, I could do anything with.
I had no issues, at all, ever.
I could turn him on in 3 seconds flat.
I can't really do that with this boyfriend... maybe that contributes...
I don't know...

You had some ups and downs with what you associate "sex" with. Insecure has it pretty straightforward. Don't have sex until you feel comfortable. You feel comfortable, when and only when you find out what is the reason you have sex? is it for finding that connection with someone? self gratification? because you "have" to? Question yourself about this. When you honestly found the answer, get back with us, and we can go from there. You basically have to find the definition of what sex means to you personally. PTS can trigger your past, and have problems in your current life. But this can be overcame to a degree if you find your reason for sex. If not then you are going to be confused from what you were, to who you are now, and your boyfriends feelings, etc.