Is this OCPD? Help me understand.........

I am in a relationship with a man who's mother comes by and stays with us from time to time. This time seems to be the worst so far and I am conserned that what we are dealing with is OCPD. If so I want to understand and want to be able to handle this properly, as so far this is not going to well and I am not dealing with this very well.
This is what she is doing......
Her actions seem like they are complusive, obsesive, repetative, and self defeating.
She hourds things - everything, wheather or not it has value or not. And if you take it and throw it away - look out the anger is not in balance with the action or value.
She has told me that she is the only women who can take care of her son and then does so by taking over and rearanging our lives. She is obsesive about it, it is like she can't stop herself or that the only right way is her way.
There are tasks that need to get done she won't let anyone else do them because they can not do them the way she want or how she feels is right.
When confronted with a boundry issue she always has a justification for her actions. She can not be wrong, and if pressed she will turn it into a defeating 'God' issue.
When she wants you to do something the way she wants it, she is relentless about is. Nagging and nagging to the point of anger and real frustration. But if you don't do it she will not let the issue go until you do what she deams is the right way.
I will watch her work on the same task for hours and hours and it will not get anywhere or organized, she defeats her own purposes and directions.
There is more so much more, but I just feel so frustated with it all and I don't have any idea how to handle this and what should be done as she does not believe in taking medicane. I don't know how to do this.
Please help me to understand and know what direction I should be going in, because at this point my partner and I are at our wits end and don't know what to do.

The hoarding thing is more OCD-related than OCPD, but it's difficult to say from my position to say what is wrong with her. One needn't necessarily look at this from a mental illness point of view, however, and it could instead be viewed as follows: She is the way she is because she gets away with it; and has been getting away with it for her entire life, probably. Your partner (her son) should be more authoritative about this and let his mother know that she no longer controls him, you, or ye're house. I really think that he is the key here. She might not listen to you, but if he is strong with her, then she will listen Im sure.

Kevin

Thank you Kevin.
We have and other family members have asked her to leave our homes however awful this altimatime is, she does not change her ways, she just gets more desprite and frantic in her need to be compulsive. So far I am the only one in her whole family that is trying to understand and not just give up.
We can tell her not to change around the pantry, but she will get up in the middle of the night and do it anyway. We will put it back the way it was and within 12 hours at the most she will do it again. We will have this huge dramatic conferance and believe that she understands, but next thing we know she has done it again.
To her her actions are not wrong, she is invaribly always right and justifies her actions by backing it up with a religious reason- which to me makes no logical sence. She can not be wrong, I can't explain the desperation of her need to be right and accepted, its a desprite, frantic, consuming need that she has and no matter how much you explain that she is still loved it does not matter, she has to be right in the fact that you don't love her because you won't let her cross important boundries and behave in a fashion that will not let her just do whatever she wants.
There is something wrong, its so much more than a women who is selfish and demands her own way. It almost has to be observed to be understood - I don't even understand it.

What age is she? Her behaviour is sounding a little different from OCD now, based on your last post. Have you compared her behaviour to one of the neutodegenerative conditions - i.e. Alzheimer's, Dementia, etc? As far as I know, behaviour like hers can feature in those too. I'm not a professional though, you must remember.

Kevin

I believe she is in her late 60s, she is kinda secretive about it.
I took care of patients with Alz and dem., and this is so much different, because at first I was under that impression also. But after talking with her ex husband and her daughter, she has been this way her whole life with them around. The daughter won't let her mother stay for more than a day or two at thier home because of the complusion she has to take over everyone elses lives.
I a very serious when I say, there is no projecct I have started in the last while in my own home that she has not hijacked and then when talked about she gets defensive and gives a unlogical reason to why she has done it yet again.
I have read and read on the web all the info I can find and OCPD is the only one that comes close to what life is like with her. But none of them give me a real life example of what it is like and there for I can't really say for sure.
I want for her to always be welcome in my home, but with this behavior and to the degree she takes it, I have felt a prisoner in my own home at times. Saddly she has burned her bridges with so many other people she has often no where else to go.
Most of all I need some one to explain what it is like to live the dailey life with a person with OCPD. If there is another problem I would like to understand because I would like to make her last years on earth loving and enjoyable.
Thank you for your insight and answering me.

Ihave OCD/OCPD and aside the controling part, which is part of many other disorders as well, I cant see much of what I feel there. I would never, ever, unless ridiculously necessary stay at a relatives house, because I need MY space, so when I visit friends/relatives I usually opt to stay in hotel/hostel just so I dont need to deal with other peoples rules and settings. And when I have to stay at someones place I become very recluse. As for the hoarding thing, just the word hoarding makes me cringe as hoarding equals mess and I need things functional and clean. I organize and label things in my own system so they are very easy, but I tend to throw away a lot of things I deem unecessary, my poor kids may tell you
I am aware that each case is different but from my perspective, I identify very little with what you said.

Yeh, that's okay about it not being Alzheimer's or Dementia - it was just an educated guess based on what you had written. I still do'nt think that OCD or OCPD explains all here though; and marlbwife appears to back me up on this. Have you ever looked at Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)? I have a feeling that she might share some symptoms with that. Other than this, I still believe that your partner is the key here, as he is her son. Also, if she has any friends, then maybe you could to ask them to get through to her.

If you do'nt adopt any of these approaches, then simply become angry in her presence. Have you genuinely and visibly been angry with her? I love dealing with people like her (people who 'just dont get the hint), because im' very good at MAKING them get the hint. You have no time in your life to be messed around by her, irrespective of her relationship to you and family. She's abusing you, mentally.


Kevin

And sometimes people are just plain difficult. Mental illness is not the only answer here. Some people can be rude, difficult, unpleasant, etc. without necessarily having a diagnosis of anything. My mother in law is a very mean, manipulative, self centered, annoying woman and has no mental illness whatsoever, shes just a b*tch. I agree that your husband should put her in her place tho.

Im glad you have separated the mental illness aspect of this from the situation, as that's how I would look at it. I did'nt want to mention this approach because you seemed to be focussing entirely on the mental illness aspect. However, surely this should encolurage you more than ever to just deal with her harshly - as harsh as is necessary. She is slowly decaying yuor life, and you are all letting her do it. People DO get the hint if you communicate it to them in the right way.

Kevin

All the people in her life have thrown her out of thier homes, divorced her, abbandoned her, that includes my partner. We have talked yelled, shouted, asked her to leave (and she did). But even though all the people in her life have sent her away, including her parents who could not deal with her so they sent her to a sanitarium.
I don't also want to add to the problem if she has a mental illness, I would rather get her a intervention and try to work with her and get her some kind of help.
As much as I hate to say this, one of the reasons I feel it is mental illness is this.... She will eat food that has gone bad and if you take it away or throw it away she gets blindly angry. I don't know how she remembers it but when I find something that has gone bad I will take away and get rid of it. She will demand to have it back. I won't give it back and therefor a power struggle insues until my partner puts a stop to it.
As her husband does not want her, she wants a home that she feels in control of, so I wonder if that is why she takes over our home? I can't express to you enough how infatic we have expressed our boundries and she will not or can not understand. She wants to be incontrol at the cost of her relationship with the people she "cares" about the most.