trying to avoid but here comes the next smear...advice

As many of you know about three months ago my ex uBPD broke things off, jumped into another relationship (probably was already in it), kept many of my things worth of value, etc. Well last week I saw that she called three times at around 430-5am. I did not call her back but sent her an email the following day stating for her to not call me. Now a week later the police show up at my door with a restraining order. One can only imagine what she has said to them to get this as she has in the past filed a false report that I stole her laptop which obviously never panned out. I also have a police report from after the first break up after she broke into my house.

I hate that she would do this because I've basically been told there is nothing I can do because I lack a continous string of evidence. She has also called my place of work which I told her in the pass to not do. It's difficult cause we were off and on and a lot of things I never filed reports for. There are the reports from last spring when I called the police to take her to the hospital because she became volatile and cut her wrist. Plus my boss did receive a nasty voicemail from her but that's been over a year ago too and we did get back together.

Is there anything I can do or do I have to eat it? I'm just afraid of how much power this gives her to continue the cycle of abuse. What's to stop her from showing up somewhere I am at and the calling calling the police and accusing me of something *Oh and she will lie).

As if the relationship, her abuse, cheating and leaving me emotionally scarred wasn't enough....

Get a restraining order.

That's what I'd do...
Shows you're not the psycho one at least...

I think 2 of my exes have RO's on me...
I should check that.

dbruning wrote:Is there anything I can do or do I have to eat it? I'm just afraid of how much power this gives her to continue the cycle of abuse.

DB, I believe you are overly concerned about the police. When I had my bipolar foster son living with me for 12 years, I had plenty of experience with the police because he sometimes would call them when he was very manic.

You already have several instances in which the police have a record of her nonsense. You don't need to have a "continuous record." Your best evidence, of course, is when the police arrived to find her volatile and bleeding all over your home with the cut arm. They have a clear record because they took her to the ER.

Where you get vulnerable with the police is when the BPD is calm (and she can transition from rage to calm in ten seconds if she wants) and there is no prior record of her instability. This situation -- which is NOT your situation -- happened to me here in DC. When it is a he-said/she-said incident absent a history of events, police usually arrest the party who was NOT the one to call the police. That is what the arresting officer told me on my way to jail. He said, next time, beat her to the phone and be the one to call.

Their attitude, in this city at least, is to take one or both parties to the jail and let the judge figure it out at arraignment later that day. With me being arrested on a Saturday morning, however, I had to spend nearly three days on a bare steel bed until arraignment occurred late on Monday.

Although my ex had been hospitalized in a psych ward for suicidal behavior -- and had been in "treatment" with 6 psychologists for 15 years -- there was no police involvement and hence no police record that could be pulled up easily. But, again, you are in a far stronger position having her out of your home and having a solid police trail of her instability.

I therefore encourage you to focus on getting yourself better. If you have any encounters with your ex that are inescapable, make sure plenty of witnesses are there. If you have to absolutely must speak with her on the phone, record the conversation. And forget the "stuff" at her apartment.

Downtown,

Yes of course I have given up any attempt at getting my things back, as for getting a RO on her...been there tried that, bascially was told I did not have a chance in hell because we 1)dated and 2)I was a man with no bruises or scars. I am concerned however about the police because I am currently on probation due to a careless driving with EtOH from last Spring and she knows it! After I tried to file a report to get my things back she retaliated by calling my probation officer and not only did he say 1)forget your stuff 2)stay away from her 3)I told her to call the police 4)He didn't care. He informed me that she could do whatever she wanted and if I pissed her off enough she wouldn't need a reason to have me thrown in jail. So, it IS a big concern of mine when SHE calls me and a week later I'M getting the RO for not responding!

I'm not super excited to leave things be and have an RO against a woman on my record either! Worse case I'll file a counter so we are both restrained from one another, hopefully the actual police reports I filed as well as the 'bloody' incident will be enough to make a judge realize that she is unstable and issue one also against her! I'm sure a lawyer could get her previous hospitalization to at least show a pattern of mental instability but you're dea on DT when you speak about her ability to seem rational and calm. The only reason the police didn't arrest me that noight was because I was completely calm and rational and she was bleeding and assaultive to the police, they even had to handcuff her!

As for me, I think I'm foing better with really letting her go, things like this are making my inner child 'grow up" and face the facts Jack! I'm certainly realizing I do not have the desire to "rescue" her anymore it's just dealing with the drama she continues to draw up, that could have serious legal raminifications for me (yes, I know I got myself in that catch twenty-two but...). I hope by sharing my experience here that others can see how bad it can get.

In summary:
She breaks things off but attempts to keep the doors open by keeping my things adn thus providing no closure (I have to do that one myself). When I attempt to legally get my things and get physical closure, she shuts that down with a call to my PO. She then contacts a friend of mine informing him about her new relationship, figuring it will get back to me. After I do not respond she calls my new number (not sure how she got it but it's not like she hasn't broken into my accounts or home before). Once again my only reponse is to inform her to leave mw alone, a week later RO!

Here's another sad fact about being in a relationship with a uBPD individual, even when they leave the abuse can continue...

Thanks for letting me vent.

DB

dbruning wrote:Downtown,
In summary:
She breaks things off but attempts to keep the doors open by keeping my things and thus providing no closure (I have to do that one myself). When I attempt to legally get my things and get physical closure, she shuts that down with a call to my PO. She then contacts a friend of mine informing him about her new relationship, figuring it will get back to me. After I do not respond she calls my new number (not sure how she got it but it's not like she hasn't broken into my accounts or home before). Once again my only response is to inform her to leave me alone, a week later RO!

Here's another sad fact about being in a relationship with a uBPD individual, even when they leave the abuse can continue...

Thanks for letting me vent.

DB

My serious advice... well the RO was serious advice... but I'm not afraid to walk right through a restraining order so she probably isn't either.
Don't respond, ever. Buy new stuff. Stop talking to mutual friends, because they're probably playing double agents... and...
Move, if at all possible.
Or... kill her. That's a joke. I do not condone homicide... unless it's REALLY warranted...

I'm sorry db

Actually this is surprising to me because in my experience one needs a bit of info to formalize a restraining order. Does this mean you have to go to court? If you don't have bruises and scars, then I presume she doesn't either, so how was she able to take one out?

You were very smart in emailing her rather than calling her back because you established a paper trail. Paper trails are your friends. I agree that you should file a counter if only to protect yourself not only from her but from legal ramifications going forward. In my county, you can take out a restrainer for non-physical contact like phone and cyber-stalking. I have so far been able to keep my ex at bay with the treat of this. Do you know if this is available to you?

I would do that and I would cease all response to her, cut out friends who aren't really your friends, and like Smile advices, move if you can and change your numbers and email addresses again. Give your boss notice that this is what is happening. If you have any notion that moving or ditching mutual friends gives her the "win," get over it. Take care of you.

Oooh and tell your PO about it.
You'd be amazed how much your PO can help you out.
They can maybe even get you relocated, push the RO through and keep her off your back.

My bf is a probie.
We had to do some of this for one crazed ex.

velouria wrote:I'm sorry db

Actually this is surprising to me because in my experience one needs a bit of info to formalize a restraining order. Does this mean you have to go to court? If you don't have bruises and scars, then I presume she doesn't either, so how was she able to take one out?

You were very smart in emailing her rather than calling her back because you established a paper trail. Paper trails are your friends. I agree that you should file a counter if only to protect yourself not only from her but from legal ramifications going forward. In my county, you can take out a restrainer for non-physical contact like phone and cyber-stalking. I have so far been able to keep my ex at bay with the treat of this. Do you know if this is available to you?

I would do that and I would cease all response to her, cut out friends who aren't really your friends, and like Smile advices, move if you can and change your numbers and email addresses again. Give your boss notice that this is what is happening. If you have any notion that moving or ditching mutual friends gives her the "win," get over it. Take care of you.

V,
Thanks for the last bit cause I was completely thinking about how giving in gives her the "win" so to speak. Actually it seemed pretty easy for her to get it, I'm sure no one checked any of the information she gave. She referenced only one of the three times in May 2009 where the police came to our house and she had lied and said I had strangled her (I hadn't and told the police just that). Of course the other two calls that I made that week when she was hitting me and where she cut herself where left off...of course no reference to her suicide attempt in Oct 2008, breaking into my home in 2008, emailing my parents, cowrkers and calling my boss were on the Order. She had some story about the guy who sells drugs and with whom she was sleeping with for drugs vouch for her in saying he had seen me at her place, so that was on there. Nothing about her unsubstantiated claim that I had stolen her laptop even though at that time the police had called me about it. basically a big hole from May 2009 to Nov 2009, nothing about us dating again and she even made the comment that it has been over 3 months since she contacted me (damn woman it hasn't even been 3 months yet! That strikes a chord in me for some reason??). Basically she went on to say I have harrassed her via phone, txt and email, of course nothing about how she kept any of my things and that there was a reason I tried to initially contact her. She said that I fabricated the phone calls to myself from her. She stated that because I had "assaulted " her in May that she was afraid I woudl do "it" again. No mention of all the times she hit me, nor verbally and emotionally abused me or slandered my name! She of course played herself off as being the victim, about how she feels so unsafe. Oh, and of course she commented about how she thinks I have a mental illness because she knows I see a therapist (because of her) and how I used to take antidepressants.

Woman judge signed it for what it's worth...I have no chance other than to hope she doesn't decide one day to screw me over. It's interesting she left out anything that would paint her "bad" not surprising of course. Just enough truth that I know she has documented to make me look very, very bad in my current situation. Wasn't expecting the neighbor man she screwed to vouch for her but then again why am I surprised? Not sure if I even did counter it what would happen other than to show she has documented times of her mental instability.

Time to keep on moving on! If she contacts me you'll all be the first to know. I still expect it even though the order is for the next two years. Gives me a great reason to keep NC!

Thanks for the last bit cause I was completely thinking about how giving in gives her the "win" so to speak.

Protecting yourself is not "giving in." Not at all. I know it seems that way, I know it seems like you're retreating if you bring down the steel doors, cut some ties, maybe even move, but I don't see it that way at all.

I think I'm screwed...with this order she can basuaclly tell half truths and make things up that I am harassing her and I will go directly to jail, do not pass go. I'm registered on a nationally database for abusers. lose my 2nd amendment rights. All this because she stated half truths and made $#%^ up and wrote the infamous line "I fear for my life", which is the clincher in getting one approved. It will show up on a background check, so if I lose my job good luck getting another that requires a background check (which in my line of work basically sets me to cashier at Target). Let's just say I'm pretty bummed, not only did she say I was an abuser of women (um, sorry she's the one that physically hit me several times, not to mention the emotional and mental abuse) but that I was mentally ill (because I had seen a therapist about her) and she thought from the emails I had wrtten that I was losing it so therefore she was afraid of me!

WARNING: let this be a warning to anyone thinking they shuold date or continue in a relationship with a uBPD. I went from having no criminal record, (ok, a couple speeding tickets) to having a DWI and now a restraining order in just the time I met as was involved with her!

I guess the good news is that I know there is police documentation that she failed to fully report on the RO, one of which shows her mental instablility she projects onto me! Lawyer Monday, getting reports today and tomorrow and PRAYING a judge will wonder why if she felt so threatened she omitted all the other police involvement that went nowhere and could be considered as harassing towards me (only God can change those hearts now!). Or why IF I had assaulted her to the point that she is fearful now why did she not go to the hospital, or why a couple weeks later she was contacting me to help her with her car or watch the dog in our rental while she was on vacation. Or why she filed another police report after she came back that I had posted about her on the internet but she never followed through with it, or then the report that I had stolen her latop that was never followed through on, or why 2 months later SHE was contacting me to get back together and now 6 months later she is SO afraid of me that she has filed a RO? Glad all that is documented, I'll be straight about my contacting her to the judge in my own mental distress of her suddenly leaving me! How's the judge going to like the report after the one she only wrote about where she was hauled off for cutting her wrists and breaking my laptop. I hope the judge will wonder why she was so choosy in what she reported to make me out to be the bad guy and nutcase!

She has no idea of the ramifications of having done this on me, nor does she care!

I think my inner child just caught up If you are a believer please pray for me, I don't want to get back at her just plead my case.

Oh and the kicker, she actualy stated in the report that I should stay away from her friends and family as they are not a grey area and are not neutral!

Thanks!