trying to avoid but here comes the next smear...advice

dbruning wrote:WARNING: let this be a warning to anyone thinking they shuold date or continue in a relationship with a uBPD. I went from having no criminal record, (ok, a couple speeding tickets) to having a DWI and now a restraining order in just the time I met as was involved with her!

I find this offensive and mean.
We aren't all completely out of our minds, diagnoses or not.
You don't even have proof she IS Borderline, since she's undiagnosed.
You should watch things like this.

And I don't get how she made you get a DWI.
That's totally a personal choice.

Not that I'm defending your crazy ex, but seriously...
Your warning is offensive.

Well with the current legal situation that has come upon me (it's apparently very, very, very easy to make things up and get a DOMESTIC restraining order on someone) I will allow myself to be offensive and mean. Lord knows I wasn't and still was handed an RO, free to file and take away your rights but costly to defend yourself against.

As for the DWI, well you are correct that I made the decision to cope to her raging in a very maladaptive way and I need not explain the details here but it was for less drinks than most folks have at a happy hour. Having a broken turn signal and a police officer in training did not help. I will however say that the way she used and abused me after kicking me out of the house last year with here pull me push me ways destroyed me like nothing ever had. Having such terrible things happen (police x3 in a week), leaving my love, beautiful home, dreams, etc only to have her seduce me back in order to watch the dog and fool me into being intimate agin and thinking we had reconciled only to find out that she had been sleeping with a past lover days after we decided I would move out (remember I moved out 2 weeks later, she was at parents so I was still in our home with our things) only to be told when she raged again, of course I used you....that was certainly a catalyst.

but, I'm not going to apologize for offering that warning. Until I got involved with a uBPD I had NEVER had any problems with the law! Ever! She filed so many false reports with the police on me that never went anywhere, until she cited all of them in her plea for safety for the RO! The best part yet, a mutual friend said she posted up on fb the day I was served informing everyone that I had been served! If I was so fearful for my life that I had an RO out on someone, I don't think I would be posting for the world to see!

Update: spoke with two lawyers, one said for $1500 he would represent me based upon all the info and emails (how wonderful I was not following the NC because I had yet had the lightbulb moment about her and our relationship). $330 of it to file the response for a hearing (free for her to file) in order to get my side heard. $1200 to review the materials, including police reports, etc though he commented that anything before this last break up may likely not be used, so I'm screwed there since she has gone to ignoring me, I definately come off looking like the "stalker" ex boyfriend. Another lawyer said based upon our history most judges will not lift the RO once it has been served (remember NO follow up on any of her statements, hearing, etc for it to go into effect) and told me other lawyers will be more than happy to take my money. Oh, and I should have filed for one first.

So my new warning is file first adn if you think RO are a joking matter dio a bit of internet searching about them, how easy they are to get and how even if you get one dropped it still will be on your record for the world to see impacting custody, jobs, etc. It's freakin ridiculus how THAT system works, so many horror stories!

Again, if she's undiagnosed she might not even be BPD. YOU ARE ASSUMING.
I know a lot of women that would love to file everything they can think of against you that ARE NOT BPD.
If you don't know for sure, which you don't because if you did she wouldn't be undiagnosed, then I wish you wouldn't put a warning out to people against people YOU might not even be dealing with.

Also, it's not our fault if you can't cope with us.
I've broken a lot of hearts but none decided to drink or anything. They all dealt with me rather well.
And I'm OFFICIALLY diagnosed.

I'm sorry she ruined your life, truly.
Doesn't mean that you can lump us all in with her, by any means.
You're on BPD forum, have a LITTLE respect for we with BPD, it's only fair.

Good for you, smileX!!! Everything you said is true.

This is not a board for people in dysfunctional relationships with dysfunctional people who are undiagnosed and their bitter partners and ex-partners.

I know how hard it is to "come out" when you have borderline. The diagnosis is so misunderstood (this board is proof of that). I want the borderlines to feel safe posting here. I don't know why the others don't take their relationship problems to "Divorce" or "Relationship."

But I do know. They THINK they had a borderline ex, they THINK they are the healthy ones, yet they come to this board to lash out at those who are mentally ill ASSUMING that they are like their ex's. I wonder if they realize they are bullying mentally ill people, but I don't really care. It's meanspirited.

I have been told by the mods to let them know if this kind of nonsense goes on here. These posts have NOTHING to do with borderline and everything to do with a person's diagnosis of an abusive ex, if the stories are being presented honestly. They are meant to hurt us.

To counteract some of what is being assumed as borderline, I am diagnosed. I am quite a sensitive person (overly sensitive, but getting better every day) and have never been in trouble with the law, never stalked anyone, never cheated. My abuse was to myself mostly and I lashed out angrily when I felt threatened or abandoned. This does not mean I didn't feel bad about it. I apologized (nobody better tell me I didn't) and felt deep remorse, even suicidal. So I'm not sure what this SO had, but it could be anything including he is/was a substance abuser who was out of control for that reason alone.

Truly, I am shocked at the ignorance out there about borderline, and am not surprised borderlines are afraid to ask for help. But, guys, it's getting so much better. The psychiatric community has revised treatment of borderline and find it quite treatable. Remember that once autism was seen as schizophrenic and that was proven wrong. They were wrong about borderline too, which by the way may be changed to Emotional Dysregulation Disorder in the DSM.

That's really what it is. Many borderlines remit on their own, even without treatment. THERE IS HOPE! The worst part about it is people who are reading old material or who simply think they get it, but don't have a clue. Have a great day and keep your chin up. You're a good, worthwhile person fighting a nasty mental illness. But it can be done!

AGCDEFG wrote:To counteract some of what is being assumed as borderline, I am diagnosed. I am quite a sensitive person (overly sensitive, but getting better every day) and have never been in trouble with the law, never stalked anyone, never cheated. My abuse was to myself mostly and I lashed out angrily when I felt threatened or abandoned. This does not mean I didn't feel bad about it. I apologized (nobody better tell me I didn't) and felt deep remorse, even suicidal. So I'm not sure what this SO had, but it could be anything including he is/was a substance abuser who was out of control for that reason alone.

I'm on the other end of the Borderline Spectrum.
I'm the one that would cheat, stalk and get arrested..
Although I've never been arrested... cuz I'm a fast talker...
But I totally get WHY the nons here are so... upset.
People like me are awful people. I can admit that.
I've taken great lengths to change the way I am but I can't overlook things I've done.
I just... think that Nons should know NOT EVERYONE is like me.

I was worse than I was younger. Most borderlines get better as they get older. The 20's are a bad time. I was just talking to my therapist about this today.

Also, there IS a spectrum for everything, including borderline. There are some who are sicker (pneumonia) while others have a cold. These so-called nons (I'm not sure what they are) have chosen very dysfunctional partners. Maybe some are borderline. Maybe some are substance abusers and acting crazy because alcoholism and drug addiction makes you act crazy. Maybe they are bipolar. Maybe they are NOT NICE PEOPLE. Whatever is wrong with them, they aren't posting here...their ex's have nothing to do with us.

The nons who post here are pretty meanspirited themselves. I don't diagnose them, but I haven't seen one post that wasn't awful. I stopped coming here for a while then finally decided to try to help the borderlines by posting my bullying post. But I never dreamed anything would change because of it. I'm glad that it did. We have enough to deal with without reading about ex's that people think are borderline.

I hope you can find a way to heal...it can be done...but I'm not going to push it at you nor am I going to say that you didn't assess yourself correctly because I don't like when people tell me I'm wrong about myself. I mean, who likes THAT?

Smile I agree with you, I can also understand why 'nons' get so upset when they break up with their diagnosed BPD partner, somebody in another thread said they should go to the relationship forum well I totally disagree, I do not think that folk experiencing 'straightforward' breakups would understand at all. I wish there had been a forum for my ex husband (now best friend) when we parted. I think if my ex partners had been asked what being in a relationship with me was like they would say; 'when it was good it was amazing but when it was bad it was hell', this is not me putting myself down but me taking responsibilty for my actions which pre diagnosis and help I never did.

I have no problem with the nons, its such a shame things have worked out the way they have as I truly believe we could have helped each other.

appliepie

I don't mind the "my ex was a diagnosed borderline" posts... well... I don't read them but I see the validity there...
I don't get the "i think my ex was an undiagnosed borderline, but in reality they could have just been a really terrible person" posts.
That's not valid here. There's no evidence and really they're assuming, more than likely so they can cope. It becomes "my ex had a problem" not "I choose badly"

I do not think that folk experiencing 'straightforward' breakups would understand at all.

You're right; they don't. And I've been through straightforward break-ups, both easy and difficult, and I can attest that they are completely different. People who have not been through it actually think we're making things up. It's impossible to get support from people who have not been through it.

I imagine it would be.
It's like trying to explain to anyone what's going on in my head.
No one believes me. They just think I'm being an attention whore...
So I stopped telling people. ^_^