Newly Diagnosed... BPD Do you ever....?

Do you ever feel the intensity of your emotions , and they control you , they are the only thing that matter at that instant? Do you ever feel so empty and alone, I cant tell if people are really abandoning me or not. So i create this idealized walled world where im just by myself, and than i feel hatred for everyone because they pushed me away, and so i push them away 100%. The intensity overwhelm your actions, and you don't think about consequence. Its all about right here right now.

Do you ever wake up in the morning feeling the pain, feeling the intensity of your emotions physically controlling you. When you feel the loneliness and pain , its like this hollowness in your chest, and pain in your shoulders, you can feel your face tense and numb at teh same time. And you say to yourself how do i soothe the pain. You cant soothe the pain......

Do you ever wonder why they pushed you away? Do you ever see a couple and feel hatred because they probably feel real love? Do you ever feel like you are not like them, and cant pretend anymore because ot wears you out. Do you feel the pain so hard that you throw up, and your muscles so soar you cant walk anymore. You know what i mean, the pain inside your heart physically like its broken, inside your soulless body.

"I feel" is what makes my world , not logic , not thoughy, but emotions so pure and black or white, that they will destroy me into no sense of who I am. SO i pretend Im somone im not, someone i want to be but cant because its too hard. Than you realize and fall into the endless cycle of shame.....

Ive gotten to the point that i dont want to have relationships anymore, i dont care about firends , girls, or human contact. Yet... im soooooooooo scared of being alone, soooo scared, fear....

I have no escape, i only have my music, my painting and my guitar, and maybe death.

All alone is all we are

allaloneisallweare wrote:Its all about right here right now.

Hello, AllAlone, welcome to the BPD forum. It has BPDs and BPD ex-Partners (Nons), both of whom will try to be supportive. I am one of the ex-Partners. Until some of the BPDers show up, I'll try and give you something to think about -- or, at the very least, a warm welcome to this board.

My understanding of BPD is that, yes, the current emotion can be so strong that it seems to constitute your reality. That intense feeling, however, is not "about right here right now." Instead, it is about the past because it is largely created by something that happened to you in early childhood. This is why therapists train BPD sufferers how to live in the present and respond to what is actually happening around them in the present -- instead of projecting hurt feelings from the past onto the people around you.

We codependent Nons have a similar problem. We tend to live in the past, always thinking we can reconstruct the conditions of the six-month honeymoon we had with our BPD partner. We also tend to live in the future, i.e., always living in anticipation of how wonderful the relationship will be when we succeed at rebuilding the honeymoon. We are far too willing to ignore the present -- even if it lasts 15 years as in my case -- to achieve our honeymoon goal. The therapists therefore teach us to live in the present, recognizing that it is the present that constitutes our real lives.

Also like BPDers, many of us ex-Partners have difficulty dealing with intimacy. That is one reason we are willing to be pushed away every week or so by our BPD partners. At a subconscious level, we seem to enjoy the break from intimacy. I should also note that we Nons also exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a lower frequency and intensity than what BPDs have to deal with.

Finally, we Nons also have pretty much the same escapes that you list: music, painting, a guitar, and eventually death. I mention all this so you realize that we are not altogether different animals. Instead, we share some of your issues and, on the others, we differ only by degree. Welcome, then, to the human condition.

Thank you. IF this is the human condition, than i don't know anymore. Im sorry there's people out there that suffer from bpd and project their own pain onto others, like onto you. Thats not fair, yet it is so..