BPD and Romantic Relationships

m trying to figure this out about myself. I'm not in a relationship with anyone yet, but there's an opportunity. I think it is because being so close with someone scares me. My pattern is to then push them away, because I am quite literally terrified. I panic. I am a lot healthier and more stable on my own, but I get depressed a lot when I'm with somebody. I feel so overwhelmed emotionally, and can't reign it in. I don't have a temper usually, but I fly off the handle at the littlest signs. I hate to say it, but I can get mean and nasty because I want them to hurt as much as I do. I am always afraid they are going to leave. I get clingy and needy, and read every action and word into meaning they do not care. At the same time I want them as far away and as close as possible. It hurts to be with them, yet it hurts to be alone. I keep people at a distance, because I know once they get to close, it is like all hell is unleashed.

Granted, this behavior often pushes them away, so it is a perpetual cycle, self-fulfilling prophecy, but I can't seem to break it. I try, yet I keep hitting a brick wall. It makes me feel as if I don't have the ability to love and/or be loved, although it is what I want most in the world. I feel things so deeply, whether that be despair or euphoria, and having someone get close is one of my main desires, but it is like they are cutting into my soul, and I have trouble handling that vulnerability.

Being a "Non-B" and also someone who is really familiar with this issue, I wondered what your thoughts were. I'm assuming this a "typical" BPD thing, yet the commonality doesn't make me feel any better. The above issues have been the biggest obstacles in my life thus far, that I am having trouble believing can be overcome. I don't like being this way, and if there was anything I could change about myself, THIS would be it. I am fairly competent and accomplished in many other areas of my life, such as work and school, but this close relationships thing I cannot seem to get a handle on.

What seems to work? I know B's can have happy and stable relationships, because I've SEEN it. I'd like to be one of them.

Shelley, how about having therapy to work through these issues? From what people who have at least some traits of BPD told me, the best thing is regular therapy and dealing with any problem that comes up in a healthy way and not letting it take you over. Things like jurnaling and having a calm talk with your partner or talking to your therapist about how you've been feeling are good. Sorry I can't be of more help.

Thanks for your response, of course I appreciate any help I can get. I have seen several therapists over the course of several years, and gone through DBT as well. I know the skills; I think I am just having a difficult time USING them.

Maybe you need one therapist that you can go to for a long period of time so they can work with you. Hold on, I'll see if someone knows more about this than I do.

Hi Shelley,
You are right. there are many B's that have healthy relationships. You know yourself well enough to say you struggle and tend to get depressed in a relationship. I can relate even to the wanting them to hurt like you. But Thank Goodness you know that if you love(care about) someone, you would not wish the kind of pain that you or I know about.

You need to be stable. Only you can control that. I can say you need some sort of inspiration, Self esteem of your own is a good one.

Even with this you might want to consider a good therapist that you have chemistry with. Someone you like and want to please.That makes things so much easier.

If you think you have met the right person, go for it. It is good that you are giving forethought in this.
It is a very good thing. I am proud of you. Love the same way you want to nice, softly, gentle with alot of respect.

I hope this helped,
Red xoxo