confused by bpd ex boyfriend

Consumer 0


Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 12:26 pm
Private message

Hi jean,

A question. How long have you been in a relationship with this man?

I'm going to be very "The Rules" about this because I really want you to think about yourself.

The fact that he is still enmeshed with his ex and spending every weekend 150 miles away with his children should be enough for you to want to move on. When is your time? You would never get to have a weekend getaway, for one thing. And the weight and stress of all that travel takes a real toll on a person. Which certainly has been off-loaded on you in some form or other. And all of this has to do with his previous baggage and nothing to do with you. So you're not able to fully enjoy a relationship and all because of previous entanglements. BPD or not, this man is not ready to carry on a healthy, real relationship with any woman.

All of the confusion you are expressing here, imagine what he is going through! He is unsure of his future, he is unsure of his sexual orientation, and he is unable to commit to any woman. This is his life and his outlook. His sense of direction is like a wheel of fortune. Sure, he might come running back to you in a few days, weeks, or months, but do you think, based on what you've experienced, he would be settled and trustworthy and back for the long haul, dedicated to you, your happiness, and your well-being? Let alone capable of developing a serious, long term relationship? To me these texts he's sending would be utter torture, wrapped in the promise of a return engagement, but based on confusion and fear.

What do YOU think you should do?

bbbbbb

Hi again,

...and hard when you see part of the problem in your relationship is being caused by a third party...

I am going to ask you to be very careful with thoughts like this. It's really easy to blame a third party for problems. The bottom line is that he is incapable of carrying on any serious relationship with any woman and incapable of establishing boundaries with his ex. This is a reflection of him, not his ex.

You owe it to yourself to strengthen your own boundaries. After two years his has broken up with you and is now resorting to texting while maintaining some facade of a friendship, when in reality it is a tether to an unhealthy relationship, set up so he can be assured that you are still a part of his life. It's up to you to decide whether being a part of his life is healthy or unhealthy for you. He broke up with you. You owe him nothing. You don't own him any information about your life, your loves, your comings or goings. You are a free and independent woman who could very well be about to embark on a new journey on which she will find everything she wants and needs. Do you want to be tethered to old baggage or do you want to move on?

The best advice I've ever seen in these situations is No Contact. It is incredibly difficult and much more so after such a long relationship. But if you want to give yourself to heal and move on, you will need to have the space to do it in. And contact is not allowing you that space. Block him and avoid the places he frequents. Do not engage with him further. I did a quasi No Contact with my ex and it only prolonged my own pain. If you can't do that immediately, just keep moving in that direction. Eventually you will come to a point where his contact will be less intriguing and fulfilling than your health and happiness.

It's hard, jean, I won't lie. But you are totally worth it.

deleted

jean! Two years and you only saw this man once a week??? Oh, honey, you really deserve so much more.

Hi Jean. Your bf displays many typical bpd traits. For some reason holidays are a major stressor to them. The confused sexual identity is another characteristic.

Your best bet is to go no contact, the first 30 days are critical. The relationship won't get better & will only serve to drain you emotionally. It won't be easy but you will find a lot of support here.

Hi Jean. Your bf displays many typical bpd traits. For some reason holidays are a major stressor to them. The confused sexual identity is another characteristic.

Your best bet is to go no contact, the first 30 days are critical. The relationship won't get better & will only serve to drain you emotionally. It won't be easy but you will find a lot of support here.

deleted

jean, I'm so sorry! I can tell you with total honesty that his response to your scare is abnormal and you definitely deserve better.