confused by bpd ex boyfriend

Hi again Jean. His response to you informing him about the skin cancer demonstrates yet another bpd trait namely a lack of empathy. I spent 3 and a half years with my bpd ex gf & when I told her that I had been in the midst of an armed robbery her response was to tell me some news about a celebrity & what was going on in his life. Abnormal response definitely. Let it go Jean for the sake of your own mental health.

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Jean although I don't hold out to be a relationship expert, I am a NON like you. I can tell you that until late last year I did not even know about bpd. When I came across it I was absolutely astounded as it ticked all the right boxes with my ex bpd gf's behaviour. Since then I have educated myself about it & found a lot of support right here on the forum. One of the problems that us NONS generally have is that of co-dependency. Like you I am also affected by it but am trying to deal with it.

To answer your first question I honestly don't think you owe this person any sort of announcement of intent. He has treated you extremely poorly & has really just messed you about. Secondly you ask what if you can't maintain no contact ? Well then you would be human like the rest of us NONS here. Personally I failed to maintain it & after a few weeks emailed my ex only to receive no resonse. Long story short she is & always will be into her mind games. To persist is to open yourself to even more drama & tantrums & let's face it they really are in a league of their own. I have successfully resumed no contact. If that scenario plays itself out come here for support or if more comfortable conact one of us members privately.

Heartman wrote:I have successfully resumed no contact. If that scenario plays itself out come here for support or if more comfortable conact one of us members privately.

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I have been out of the relationship for approx 1 month now. She has not made any contact with me.I was the one who tried to contact her in a moment of weakness only to get more silent treatment so I know what you mean about how debilitating the silent treatment is.

Ditto, as soon as I expressed a need, shutdown time & more silence.Rem that we are dealing with an emotional maturity of approx 4 years of age.Also bpd's do not understand nor respect boundaries so you end up feeling completely used & manipulated & they ride off into the sunset.

I'll tell you a few reasons it was helpful for me to tell him to never contact me again:

1. It established a boundary (very scary for a Non!)
2. It communicated what I wanted so there was no question what was right or wrong
3. It gave me a sense of power
4. It disciplined me to not make contact with him

You can come up with myriad reasons for not drawing a line in the sand, but the bottom line is that with anyone, BPD or not, if you wanted them to leave you alone, you would tell them. Not telling them is game playing and leaves everyone confused.

If you really want him gone, then tell him. Any action after that will be cast in the light of defying your word and your boundaries. And this is really something that we as Nons need to learn for ourselves. I suspect that we all have issues in that arena if we've engaged in any significant amount of time with a BPD.

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jean, you know what you need to do. You're just not ready to do it.

jeane, I'm going to rewrite some of the things you wrote in your OP, so you can see this in an organized fashion:

[*]He has to travel 150 miles to visit his Children and spend every weekend with them
[*]so she does not know about me (he kept you secret - from who else did he keep you a secret?)
[*]our time together is very limited (once per week for two years)
[*]at Christmas he tells me that he just cant do a relationship anymore because of the ex wife situation
[*]at New Year he tells me that he doesnt know what he wants out of life
[*]he might be bisexual and really ought to discover himself
[*]he tells me that he has met somebody else
[*]He says he wants to stay friends, and keeps texting me (unbelievably selfish on his part)
[*]there didnt seem to be much chance of ever having a proper relationship

And...
[*]For two years you saw him once a week.
[*]On several occasions he gave you the silent treatment that could last over a month.
[*]When you told him about your cancer scare, he dismissed you.

Ask yourself this question. What is there to be gutted over if the ex-wife is actually with a new man and if your ex's new gfriend were to be out of the picture?

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