Suddenly Non

A month ago, I broke up with my bpd-exgf after 7 months. She never hid the fact that she took medication for depression, but BPD never came up until I ended the relationship once and for all ... or at least tried to. Since then, I've done some reading on the subject, but it was always from her perspective - What is it; What does it do; How does it manifest, etc. Only today did I begin looking into it from the other side to discover that the terms "non," "hoover," and "enabler" apply directly to me.

In many ways, I've enjoyed reading other people's experiences because it's comforting to know you're not the only one. That said, I've not found many circumstances similar to my own, though I have no doubt there are plenty. You see, it's not like I want to maintain a relationship in spite of BPD. I wanted the relationship over solely because of it. When things were good, she was the best gf ever. When things were bad she was completely from hell. Never in between. I'm sure I tried to break-up at least once a month during our 7 months together, but she always convinced to me reconsider with promises that I'm sure will surprise nobody here. Once I realized that the bad was far more prevalent than the good, I wanted out, permanently.

She seemed to take the news well at first, and I was a dutiful cheerleader when she began therapy, but I'm convinced now she only did it to get me to reconsider just one last time. It's actually created a new problem because now she's prone to begin hoovering with "My therapist says ..." I sought counseling with the same therapist several years ago and I have full confidence in her, so I'm certain anything my exgf claims as coming from the therapist is a lie. Since we broke up one month ago, I've tried to be a pillar of support for her, be there for her, help her in any way I can, but the simple fact of that matter is that no matter what reassurances I provide and how often I give them to her, it's never enough. She always requires more.

So apparently it's not uncommon for Nons to suddenly find themselves abandoned by their borderliner. In no way do I mean to diminish the pain of anyone who has experienced that, but I must admit with some guilt, I feel very envious of them. You see, I'm at the exact opposite end. My day from the first moment I arrive at work, until I turn off the light at night, is plagued by my ex's efforts to communicate: text msgs, instant messages, emails, phone calls, posting on my online social networking site, chatting in an online game, etc. It's affecting my work and my personal life with my child (I'm a divorced dad). It didn't start out that way but the increase was so subtle that I didn't realize I was drowning until recently.

Ever since we broke up, I thought the best thing would be for her to isolate herself from me, but she doesn't agree (apparently her therapist doesn't either). She tells me that given the exalted status I have in her life, she can't possibly navigate the road to recovery without me. She's expressed to me many times that what she fears most is for me to completely delete her from my life. I discovered that the hard way this past weekend when in a fit of frustration and anger I deleted some photos of her from my online site. I then spent a solid two days hearing her endlessly threaten suicide. I know I am not responsible for her, but that doesn't make it any easier to hear her say, "I'm going to kill myself, and it's all your fault."

Anyway, what I want to know is this: Can I box up the few items of hers remaining at my place and hand them off to her mother? Can I include in that a box containing all the special mementos & photos that were important to her that I hold onto? Can I change my door lock, and request that Security change the gate code? Can I block her cell number? Can I block her email address? Can I remove her from my IM list? Can I de-friend her on the social networking sites? Basically, is it OK for me to completely delete her from my life?

That's what I want to do. That's what I think she needs most at this point, but I've held off doing any of those things because I'm fearful what it'll do to her.

Hello, NewNon, welcome to the BPD forum. Yes, I believe that nearly all of the Nons here -- and many of the BPDs as well -- would advise you to go No Contact with your exGF. One reason is that your continued contact with her is dragging you down and interfering with your ability to care for your child. Another is that your hanging around sends a strong but misleading signal to your exGF that you may eventually take her back. It is unfair to be offering her false hope when the reality is that you want a clean break and have no intention of returning.

Right now, she is trying to control you with guilt and -- as a fall back when guilt is insufficient -- with blackmailing threats of suicide. But she has no control over you if you choose not to give it to her. I believe you should start making that choice.

Normally, most Nons are still in love with the BPDs and thus are having a very hard time "abandoning" their loved one. In such cases -- where the Non actually wants to stay -- the consensus here at the forum is to recommend that the Non consider staying only if the BPD is sufficiently self aware to acknowledge having BPD and to stay in a therapy program long enough (years) to make a difference in behavior.

Of course, that situation does not apply to you. Even if it did, you would be faced with the intractable problem of finding any compelling evidence that she is actually trying to learn to control her illness -- as opposed to simply playing mind games with the therapist. Moreover, you would have to hang around another three years or so in order to give her a fair chance at bringing the illness under control. Hencing, determining that she is really making progress can be extraordinarily difficult to do.

I say this because I spent over $200,000 on the mind games approach. Specifically, I took my ex to 6 different psychologists on a weekly basis for 15 years. If one therapist stopped playing her games, she simply went to another. I thought she might have been improving a little bit but finally realized, at the end of that long period, she had only gotten worse. By "finally realized" I mean I knew she was worse the day she had me arrested on a bogus charge so that, after obtaining a restraining order, she could live rent free in my home until the divorce was finalized 18 months later.

Yes, pack her things and change your e-mail, phone numbers, anything. There is no other way obviously to stop her from contacting you. It is for the better of BOTH of you to stop this sick relationship. Your ex will calm down once she has no access to you and perhaps she will get into GOOD therapy (it exists) and work on her problems, whatever they are. But she won't do it while she's still angry, and being able to pluck your strings feeds into her illness and makes you crazy. I would not allow any contact at all. It is the only way.

Pam, who was diagnosed with Borderline Traits