I hate you don't leave me

How often don't we hear this expression where NON's find themselves in a relationship with a bpd. Has any NON ever experienced the converse ie. 'I love you, I don't want to see you anymore.' ?

I find your post worded oddly, but I think I know what you're getting at...
I, as a BPD, have often been in a "I hate you, don't leave me" situation... I do it a lot...
More of a "I love, leave me alone" situation...
I've never had one...
I can't stand people leaving me, no matter how much I hate them.

Even if I hate you for real, not just a passing "you messed up, I'm effing pissed and am going to scream at you", you still can't leave me.
You're a piece to my puzzle.
Especially after one of the people I hated most, put a hole in his head on his 21st birthday.
Even if I hate you, you're part of my universe... and I need you...

Heart, no, I never experienced that in the 15 years with my exBPD.

DowntownDC wrote:Heart, no, I never experienced that in the 15 years with my exBPD.

I don't think that you're going to find this sort of thing in a disorder characterized by volatile moods shadowed only by the absolute need to avoid abandonment...
Asking someone to leave you is inducing your own abandonment, and that's just not something a BPD is likely to do... ever...

Thanks Downtown. I think our experiences were similar although my relationship was shorter than yours. I don't claim to speak with any authority but I have read of bpd's, despite their abandonment fears, wilfully breaking up with their partner. Something to do with the twin fear of abandonment & a fear allowing someone to get too close.

Hey Heartman

You might want to read the post here on pre-emptive striking. It suggests that sometimes, when a disordered person knows you may be building up to leaving them, they may leave you first? As in 'If anyone will leave it will be ME!'. In this way they can often convince themselves that they were not abandoned at all but that they left the relationship instead.

Hi heart, and I kind of get what you are saying and can share this:

After the final break up with my ex, I stated to her that I would not be able to handle a just friends relationship. There are just some people you are not able to be friends with after its over, fact of life. I said I would appreciate if I didn't recieve any contact. Of course she got angry saying I really didnt care about her, It was my fault, blah blah.

Two weeks went by and I thought wow this going alot better than I thought, I'm getting back on my feet, no calls, not anything.

Sure enough I started recieving texts on my phone just saying Hi. How are you.

Funny thing was I told her I was going no contact because it would hurt me to stay and I asked her to do this out of willingness to not hurt me.

I did not respond, and thats the way it stays, we shall see if it happens agian

Error.

Heartman wrote:Thanks Downtown. I think our experiences were similar although my relationship was shorter than yours. I don't claim to speak with any authority but I have read of bpd's, despite their abandonment fears, wilfully breaking up with their partner. Something to do with the twin fear of abandonment & a fear allowing someone to get too close.

I broke up with my last boyfriend, despite my fears of abandonment because he was failing at being who I needed.
The loathing outweighed the need, so I found someone to fill the space instead.

Smile I think that you have answered my question when you said that despite your abandonment fear you broke up because he was no longer what you needed. That scenario is very close to home where my ex bpd gf broke up with me very suddenly. Apart from her cheating the 'reason' she advanced for breaking up was that I was really not doing exactly what she had wanted me to do. in other words she wanted certain needs filled & she wanted them filled now. She was not willing to negotiate or give & take.

Heartman wrote:Apart from her cheating the 'reason' she advanced for breaking up was that I was really not doing exactly what she had wanted me to do. in other words she wanted certain needs filled & she wanted them filled now.

Hey Heartman

One of the features of the Cluster B personality is the inability to defer gratification. So although we may see that a relationship is not giving us all we might need RIGHT NOW we hope that in the future this will change, or develop or even that we will change! For a disordered person the waiting is excrutiating and it is easier as Smile says, to move on and see if they can find it with someone else.

However it is also true (I think) that a disordered person rarely knows what they really want. Or perhaps it would be more true to say that what they want changes - sometimes within hours. It is therefore pretty much impossible for anyone to ever provide this - no matter how hard they try. In many ways therefore it is not YOUR failing that you cannot do exactly what she wants - who can? Who ever can?